The Cause... The Effect... The Dream...

I don't want anyone to think that I am "hung up" on my mother's death. I am past the deep severe sobbing type mourning that follows the death of a loved one. I have sat here for the past five years trying to make sense of it all. I still have days where I will be sad in a way that is so deep that it touches every part of my soul... and I sob. It is only because I truly miss the unconditional love that my mama showed to me every day of my life. I could go to her with anything and everything... and she was there for me. I know that my brother's at one point were the "terrible teenagers"... but they loved our mother... and felt as though they could go to her with anything as well. We were all caught off guard when she died. My eyes could see it happening... but my heart was saying... "No WAY! My mother CANNOT die!"

I don't care if anyone reads this or not. This is mainly for me to put it all into words to relieve some of the pain in my heart about her death. For about a month or so my mother had trouble eating. Now that has NEVER been a problem in our family... so it kind of made us all worry. I took my mom into the doctor's office. We thought maybe she was having just stomach troubles... and early on... we had thought it was just the flu. But these symptoms just kept on and getting worse. The doctor wanted to do a scan of her entire body to "see" if there was something happening that they did not realize. Well... they did the scan... and they found a mass wrapped around her left kidney. This was in May of 2000. Her doctor said that she needed to see an oncologist... (cancer doctor)... just so we could be sure of what the scan had found.

Rich and I drove my mom down to Spokane to see the oncologist. My mom and I sat in the little office waiting for the doctor to come in. I asked my mom if she was ok. She said she was scared a little. I told her that I was too. It seemed like the doctor took forever to come in the room. He had been out looking at the scan results. After he came into the room... he introduced himself... and then it happened. He said... "Well... it looks as though you have a tumor wrapped around your left kidney... and your kidney needs to come out right away." I turned to my mother... and instantly saw all bit of life just drain from her soul. She turned white as a sheet... and I knew that she had not "given up"... but she gave into the fact that the reason she had been so sick... was cancer.

I asked the doctor how did he know it was cancer without checking it... and he said that he had seen enough of this in his lifetime to know exactly what it was... and it needed to be out right away. We actually left the office that same day with a scheduled time for surgery to have her kidney removed.

I tried to keep my mom thinking positive. I told her that she will feel better when they get a handle on it now. She would agree with me... and try to be hopeful... but I just saw something in her eyes that she knew that this was the beginning of the end. Her mother, my grammy, had died of cancer. In our family... as in many others... cancer is the big "C". Once ya got it... it's gotchya. My mom had told me one time... "so this is it." She said it really low... and had a sad, far away look in her eyes... yet she smiled at me and said that she would be alright.

My brothers were able to come visit her in the hospital during her surgery for her kidney removal. When the doctor came in to tell us that she was out of surgery I asked him how it all went. He told me that there was a 50-50 chance that they did not get it all. They said that the surgery was a difficult one because once they "got in there and looked around"... that it was worse than they had expected... and the cancer was in the vena cava, which was the large vein that carried blood all through her body. My hopes were still high... that we had the better of the two 50's... and my prayers were steadily streaming toward heaven.

My mom went into a nursing home for a short while after having her kidney removed. This was to ensure that her wound from surgery would heal and she could do ok on her own to get around. Her incision site was very large... and it wrapped around the back left side of her body. She did really well in the nursing home and was able to keep down some food finally. She was released from the nursing home to come home and continue to recover.

My mom was so happy that she got to see "the boys".. my brothers. I had to actually call the Red Cross to find the address where Chris could be reached. He was in the Army. I had no way at the time to contact him. I was really thankful for their help in contacting him.

After my mom settled in at home... she continued to be sick. She would have days where she would do really good... and she would have really bad days. The bad days she wasn't able to keep anything down... or in... at all. Her wound site was healing very well however.

My friend, Thelma, and I had wanted to do a bible study with my mom before we had found out about her cancer. We decided to wait until after her surgery and she was feeling better. We had the opportunity to have just one bible study with my mom. I know that Thelma could probably tell about this better than me... but I will try. At first... I kind of didn't know where in the bible we would start. I had bought my mom a bible like mine... and Thelma had one like that too. We had talked about my mom's feelings of the church abandoning her when she had her nervous breakdowns. My mom was reading through a few places and came across "the verse".

Now let me explain something about my mama. She was a crier. She would get all teary if she was happy to see ya.... and if you asked her what was the matter... she would wave her hands as if to be fanning her face and say.. "Oh nothing." ... while she swallowed the lump in her throat really hard... all the while smiling. It was kind of a thing with her... she would do that if I would read her my poems... she would do that if the Hallmark card someone sent to her really said it just right... she was a crier.

When my mama came across this particular verse in her bible... she cried. This was the verse she found. She opened her bible... and the first one she read was this... "As for you, go your way till the end. You will rest, and then at the end of the days you will rise to receive your allotted inheritance." ~Daniel 12:13~ I, and I know that Thelma too... could see it in her eyes that she knew at that moment that God loved her... and you could see peacefullness and almost like a relief flood across her face. It was almost like it was the Lord telling her that she was going to be ok... just to make it to the end of the days... and he was going to bring her home. How awesome is it to feel that much love from the Lord! That pretty much ended the bible part of our study... my mom had searched... and found exactly what she was needing to hear from God. That was the only bible study we had the opportunity to have with my mama. How precious is our Lord... to comfort those who are dying in their time of need... truly giving comfort to the soul.

My mom never got any better. I was working full time trying to keep my family above water... and trying to make sure that Rich wasn't dying as well. I went and checked on my mom everyday.. doing what I could for her. She also had home nurses come into her house and help her with her medications... and to maintain the dressing on her surgery site. As time progressed, however, she was getting really bad. She would lose consciousness when she would stand up... kind of like just faint. I worried about her being alone and falling. She got to where you would be talking to her... and it was almost like her mind didn't comprehend that you were even there. The blank stare didn't happen all the time... but when it did... it freaked me out! My mom's doctor reassured me that "they had got all the cancer". So my mind is spinning around trying to figure out what was happening. I couldn't stop working... but I couldn't leave her alone either. I had my daughter, Hannah, stay overnight with her on several occasions. Hannah was instructed to call me at work and I would be right there and to call 911 if something happened. Hannah was completely comfortable with this... she loved her grandma so much... and wanted to help. I hated to do it... but I asked her doctor if he thought she would benefit from being in a nursing home here in town that had a good physical therapy unit. He said that she would benefit greatly from that and should be home in no time. I was hopeful... because he did say that they got all the cancer...and I was hoping that she was just weak from not having the other kidney.

I had to leave town for a few days... and I figured my mom would be well taken care of. She was in the nursing home that Rich had worked at for over 10 years and everyone knew she was my mom... I felt completely confident that she would recover soon and come back home. I was quite surprised when I got home. The first thing I did was to go visit my mom. She had gone downhill so badly I was shocked. She rarely would respond to me. She would lay there and stare blankly into the air. I don't even think she knew I was there at times. The aide came into her room to help toilet her... and my mother blacked out and fell with the aide underneath her. Something was devastatingly wrong and I demanded that she be taken to Spokane to a hospital that had a little more technology to figure this all out. I was fighting so hard for her to get better.

That day... she was admitted into Deaconess Medical Center in Spokane. She had a wonderful doctor there that was compassionate and not all into himself like other doctors I have encountered in the past. He took Rich and Hannah and I into a quiet, very comfortable room. He asked me if I my mother had an advanced directive...(living will). I said no... but if she was awake and able... I would help her to fill one out. I never really thought that my mom at that time would be able to show enough clarity in her mind for this... but I was hopeful. He also asked me what I would like for him to do for her. I told him that I wanted him to find out what was wrong with her and if he could... to try to fix it. I told him that I knew she was very sick... but I wanted every possibility of a chance to help her done. He was so polite... and very heartfelt... and he said he would do everything humanly possible to help my mom.

When we went down to visit my mom the next day... she was awake and alert and MY MOM! I was so happy that I had her taken to Spokane. I had a little bit of hope. My mom had written me a list of stuff she wanted me to go buy for her. Her favorite was Carefree Sugarless Gum... the pink kind. And she wanted some sugar free hard candies. I told her I would go as soon as she helped me with her advanced directive. She had a whole day of clarity... that was totally awesome. We laughed... and talked... and just had some good moments together. Her and my husband Rich, spent a few years on unsteady grounds. I think they both deep down inside loved each other but they were both stubborn to admit it. My mom had needed help turning over in bed... and Rich helped her... and I remember her joking... "Don't you look at my butt Rich." We all just kind of laughed it off. My mom told me that Rich was a good man and she was glad I had him. I went to go and get her gum and candy... and we came back to visit a little longer before I once again had to get back home to go to work.

I regret that I was not there for my mother 24 hours a day. It is something I should have just done. I have struggled for so long not being there for her every minute. All I can say is..."I did the best I could"... which for me will never be good enough. I was struggling to keep my job and be the sole provider for my family...(I almost typed 'soul' provider... and I felt at times I was that too... standing in the gap... praying and praying and praying constantly)... and I was struggling for my mom to live... which I had no control over... but I was fighting for her because she could not. I was the one telling the doctor to fight for my mother... and do all you can for her. I struggled... and fought... and prayed so hard.

Her doctor did a test on my mom's heart. He said there was a golf ball sized tumor in my mom's heart acting as a valve flap closing off the blood flow to my mom's heart which was what was causing her to faint. He said that he had called in a heart surgeon and was planning on removing this tumor the next day. All I could think was "Finally! Someone was figuring this all out! And they were gonna fix it!"

The day that my mom was supposed to have her surgery... the doctor told me that I better call family in fast... she was in ICU. I asked if she was going to have the surgery... and he said only if she is stable enough. I immediately called family. My Aunt Dorcille... and my Uncle Wallace... my cousin Denise... and I had to call my brothers. I called Chris and Don first. I feel so bad that I wasn't able to keep them up to date more on what was happening with her...and I feel I let them down. It had only been three months since she had her kidney removed... and she went downhill so fast. They had taken some time to come and see her when she was in the second nursing home... and I don't think they expected it when I told them that they needed to get here fast.

The plan was in effect. Chris was stationed in California... and he got some time off and he was going to pick up Don in Seattle and he was hurrying as fast as he could. I asked him how long he thought it would take him to get to Seattle... in case I needed to get ahold of him. I waited and waited for them to arrive... all the while praying they would make it there before she passed away.

In the meantime... My mom was alert... but very drowsy in ICU. My aunt and uncle came to see her. She was so surprised to see them. She commented... "Oh my goodness... Wallace even came to see me. I can't believe it." She was quite happy about him being the one to bring her sister... my aunt Dorcille. The whole thing was quite somber... and very sad... but it made her feel good for that moment to have them there.

Lots of "in between" time was a blur to me. I then remember being alone in the room with my mom. I guess my aunt and uncle had gone home. I remember my cousin Denise being there at some point... I honestly cannot remember if she saw my mom before she passed away or not... and I apologize for that... but I know that she was there. She was in the family quiet room just across the hallway from my mother's cubicle in ICU... with Rich and Hannah.

When I was alone with my mom... she asked me where the boys were. ('scuse me... I'm crying.) I was holding her hands... with her beautiful fingernails... all bruised up from I.V.'s. I touched her forehead and kissed her cheek. I told her that I called them and that they were on there way as fast as they could go. She told me that she loved them so very much... her babies... and that she loved me too.

The doctor's asked me to please wait for a while in the waiting room... to let her rest a while. When I was in the room... I could see through the little window in the door from where I was sitting... right into her little cubicle. I was crying... and as I looked over to see what the fuss was outside...I could see them racing around in my mother's cubicle. One nurse was on the side of her bed doing chest compressions... and they rushed the crash cart into her... then they closed the curtain to her area. I am not sure... but I think at that time... we were all sobbing. I could feel a pull in my heart. It's almost like I could see in my heart my mother's soul trying to go... but she stayed there on that bed while they were trying to resuscitate her. For what seemed like an eternity I could feel that pull... and it hurt inside my heart so bad... I could feel Jesus in my heart and mind wanting me to let her go... reassuring me... comforting me... and I felt his arms outstretched... and I said through my tears... "Jesus...wrap your arms around my mama and take her home." At the moment I said that out loud in that room... I could feel peace in my heart... no more pulling... I felt her soul release into the arms of Jesus as he took my mama home. I know that some people might not believe this... but that IS what happened. I know that my mama went to her savior and was free from the pain and suffering she had been through. She was free... and I could feel Jesus' arms as they held her close... and I felt peace. I was, of course, extremely extremely extremely sad... (and sad is not even close to the word to describe)... my mother was gone.

Her doctor and several of the people that had tried to help her... came into the room to let me know what happened.... and I already knew. They expressed their sympathies in the dearest and kindest of ways... and I thanked them all for doing all they could for my mama. I let them know through my spattering of splashing tears that were pouring out of my head that what they had done for her meant the world to me. I then was allowed after a while to go in to see her. I held her hand and kissed her. It was only her body... she was in heaven... but that worn out body had just held the precious soul that was my mama... and so a very humble respect was given to it. I saw my mama as a butterfly... beautiful and gracefully released from her cocoon... free and alive making her way to heaven to see those of our loved ones that had gone on before... and to be with Jesus to spend her eternity in a place I one day hope to see her again in.

The hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life... THE HARDEST THING... was calling Christopher and Donald. I was numb. I could not feel the phone... I don't remember dialing the number. I had to tell them that they didn't make it in time. What was I going to say? I didn't have a clue. I tried to think of something before the phone stopped ringing and was picked up... but once they answered... all I could say was... "Mama's gone." and I cried... and cried. I asked them to please still get here... and please be safe. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. If only the doctor had told me to call them sooner...maybe they could have made it. "If only's" played through my head forever... and they sometimes still do. If only I could have been physically with them before I told them... Maybe I should have waited until they showed up to tell them so I could have been with them... maybe... if only... maybe. The only thing that comforts me in the tiniest... is that God knew how things would play out... and it all happened the way it happened for a reason... but... it doesn't sit well with me still. Maybe I am looking for them to forgive me... I don't know.

My brother's were there for my mom's funeral. When they were little... my mom used to take us all to the park for a picnic... and to play in the creek that ran through the park. She used to lay on the bank and watch Chris and Don play in the water. They would pick wild forget-me-not's and put them all over her hair... just covering her head with them... and she loved it. The more she loved it... the more they would pick for her. My brothers had basically only one request at her funeral... they would like to put forget-me-not's in her hair.

I think through the years... we have all mourned in our own ways. I am trying to be strong and make sense of why a 55 year old woman... can be taken by a nasty disease in the matter of three months. I am trying to heal my heart that was broken into a million pieces the day she died. I don't think that I will ever completely heal. I write poems when they hit me... and there is not one single moment that goes by that she is not in my mind. She is in everything that I do.

For the longest time... all I wanted was to have a dream about her. I would pray to God to please let me see her again in my dreams... begging and pleading. For the longest time.. I would not have any dreams about her. Then I started having bad dreams about her. She kept dying in different ways all over again... and I was struggling to keep her alive. I would wake up crying every time I would have a dream like this. So... I started asking God... Please... I just want to feel her hug me again. Knowing in my right mind... that I wouldn't be able to actually hug her... I kind of gave up on that notion. Then one night it happened. I hadn't even thought of dreaming about her for quite a while. I was sure missing her though. But I was trying to deal with it the best I could. I had gone to sleep... not even thinking... just getting rest before work... and in my dream I saw her. She was thin... and beautiful... like she was when she had lost alot of her weight. She was dressed in a beautiful outfit... her face was gorgeous and her hair was perfect. She was standing in a white room with her arms outstretched and I went to her... and she hugged me. It was one of those dreams where you feel like you are really there... and I felt her arms wrap around me... hugging me... and I said to her... "I have waited so long for this."... and my mama said.."I know." That was all that was said... and the hug seemed to last forever. I slept so peaceful... and woke up crying tears of joy. I immediately wrote down this dream. I didn't even need to write it really... I will NEVER FORGET what it felt like to have my mama's arms around me again. She was so warm and soft... completely indescribable really... and she smelled so good... like my mama. I emailed my brothers... I wanted to share my dream with them so badly. I wanted them to feel it as well. I hope they have that feeling... somehow.. someday.. I pray for that.

I wrote a poem a few years ago...

Mommy I miss you... you sweet smiling face....
Tears you would shed... with every embrace...
My heart fell to pieces... when you left that day...
I wanted so badly... to keep your death at bay...
You made me... you loved me... you treasured me so...
It killed part of me... to have to let you go...
You cared unconditionally... in my heart you could see...
All the special places... that formed to make me...
You knew my thoughts... you cherished my laugh...
You are my precious treasure... no jewel can surpass...
Mommy I miss you... I know time heals all pain...
But I so look forward... To hugging you again...
I know in my soul... you are in a better world...
But mommy I miss you... Love, your little girl.

written by Suzii Bunting on 2-26-02