God's Dream For My Life...

I have spoke of the 'vision' that God gave me for my life in another post before. I know in my heart that what I saw was in fact what the Lord wants for me. I feel it more strongly with every day that goes by. It seemed for a while that I was stuck in a place and was not moving in any direction. I asked myself... and God... if maybe it was only my hopes that the vision I saw was a dream from God. I know it is from God... and I know that I am still "a work in progress" toward the gifts that he has given me. I am not at a standstill in my quest for the great things that I know lie ahead for me and my family. I am, however, at a place where I need to let God take over for a while... while I work on something that is truly keeping a part of me from that vision. It kind of goes hand in hand... and is the biggest obstacle keeping me from moving forward right now. God is faithful to me... and I have been faithful to him. He has shown me how easy it is to turn past hurts into heartfelt and sincere love and forgiveness. That is only a small part of God's dream for me. I cannot say it is my dream... I honestly cannot. I would have never decided in a million years on my own what he wants for my life. I am very thankful for the blessings he has given me along this journey. Alot of the blessings have come in the form of hardships and heartaches... and the fact that I have still thanked him for being there for me constantly during those times. When I was enduring the hardships and heartaches... I felt alone and forgotten about by God. When you are knee deep in the turmoil of it all... it is hard to see but right before your eyes. I have learned to speak the truth of God's dream to my heart. I know that I truly desire to be in the midst of what he wants for me... and to be able then to look beyond... to yet maybe even more that God may have in store for me. Like I said though... I have an obstacle. Let me tell you about the dream that God has given to me... his dream... that he wants me to fulfill. I was in the midst of my mother dying... and my husband almost dying... and financially slipping of the face of the earth... and in physical pain and turmoil... and all kinds of other 'stuff' going on in my life... and I saw no end in sight. I was taking an over abundance of prescription pain pills to try to take my physical pain and emotional heartaches away. I did not ever overdose... just always enough to make me numb... and allow me to function without feeling. My heart was so very saddened though. I did not even feel like a human being. I did not want to live the rest of my life this way... and I didn't see anything better for my future at that time. I laid in my bed one night alone. Rich had not wanted to go to bed yet... he was doing something and would be in later. I was so depressed and emotionally worn out that I didn't even care. I laid there crying and just sobbing to God. I yelled at him a little bit. I told him that my life was horrible... and how could he do that to me... and what did I ever do to him to cause me such pain and torture... you name it... I said it. As I laid there in my pillow of tears with a bottle of those prescription pain pills in my hand... I said, "God... you better show me what you have planned for my life... before I decide to end it right now." And then I told him that I was too tired to try to figure out subtle little hints... I needed to "see" it as plain as day... and feel it in my soul and know it was from him. I told him this was it... because I was too tired to care and I didn't want to live this life anymore if this was all there was going to be to it. What happened next... could only be from God. My eyes were closed... yet I was awake. In my mind... it was like I was watching a little snipit from a movie. As I laid there watching... I started shaking uncontrollably. I was not cold... nor was I having a seizure... but I was shaking so much the entire bed was moving. If Rich would have been in bed with me... he would have wondered what was going on... and probably rushed me to the hospital. I was not ill... nor was I having any medical problems to cause me to shake like that. I believe it was God shaking me and saying... "Snap out of it Suzii... and "SEE" what I have planned for your life!!" In my vision... I saw me. Very slender (which is a dream in itself for me)... I was standing in front of a group of ladies. I was wearing a white lace dress... my hair was a medium golden brown... and it cascaded in loose curls down to the middle of my back. Not only was I gorgeous... but I was standing in front of these ladies telling them about what God has done for me in my life... and talking about a book that I had written. I remember seeing my friend, Thelma, standing in the back of the room against the wall as I spoke. It was very comforting to see her there as part of my life. Then... just before the little snipit of the movie in my mind was over... I heard what I believe to be the silent voice of God thundering through my heart. He told me what the name of the book was going to be... and he told me that I would write it to reach out to his people... and that it would glorify him. Then I fell into a sleep that I will never forget. I slept so comfortable and so peaceful. It was like taking a nap in the arms of God. I slept and felt no worries... and when I woke up... I was more rested than I had been in months prior to this happening. The next few days... I had thought hard about what I had seen. I knew this truly had to be from God. I could have never thought of it on my own in a million years. All I could think about was that it would take me completely out of my comfort zone to stand in front of so many people like that! I understood the part about the writing. Writing has been a desire of my heart from a young age. It took me a long time to tell anyone about this. For fear mainly that I would be laughed at. I knew I could tell my friend, Thelma. I knew she would understand and encourage me to follow towards what I had known in my heart to be from God. It has been alot of years since that night. There have been times that I have wondered if I would ever get there. I keep that dream alive in me every day. God has been faithful to me through the trials and 'dry spells' I have been through since then. I have come up against many setbacks that I thought I would never get through... but I kept the image that I still hold in my mind from that night... hoping to one day reach the place that God has in store for me. I feel that writing here... on this website... is just the beginning of a fine tuning process that I must go through. I have little clues about what all is supposed to go into this book that God wants me to write... but I really don't know yet how to get started. I have struggled with the "getting started" part. It is really the hardest part. I have finished the book... "The Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson today. Today I realized... and I have been feeling it for a while now... (and Bruce's book confirmed it for me).. that I need to give God's dream back to him. I really have no clue how to really get it all going the way it is supposed to be. I don't want to run head long into this... and ruin it for God. It has to be his dream! He is the one who will perfect it... I cannot. I can only be the one to carry it out. I actually took a nap this afternoon feeling light hearted and happy to feel God's presence in my life. I asked God when I finished reading the book... to please... show me what else I needed to do before I can help make his dream a reality in my life. As I slept... I once again saw the same vision I saw so many years before... and when I woke... I knew what it was that I had to do. I have to overcome the biggest obstacle of my life. I have tried to think in the past that I could make God's dream come true... even if I wasn't physically ready to. I was trying to rush it... to get finished... and then work on the hard parts. Well... it won't work that way. I have to beat my giant... before I can win. I was not standing in front of those ladies in a white lace dress size 6X. I was slender... and very nice looking... and in good health. See... I just wanted to get to the book part. I was too afraid to overcome the losing weight part. Maybe I thought in my head that if I just went ahead and wrote God's book... that he would overlook the fact that I didn't "look" quite like I was supposed to. Well.............. God doesn't work that way. So... for now... my outlet for writing will be here... on my website. I need to bring down my giant... (lose my weight)...and conquer the biggest giant keeping me from walking into God's promise. I guess God is going to make me work for it a little bit. I just wanted the easy way out. My giant is staring me in the face... everyday. It taunts me... it shames me... it points it's ugly finger at me... and I refuse to take it anymore! So at this point I ask to be kept in your prayers. This will be the hardest part of my journey thus far. I say that looking back on all that I have already been through... and I say... Yes........ it is going to be the hardest thing to conquer.... but I will make it to the other side. Thank you Thelma for being my encourager. Thank you God... for picking me!