Kinda sad...

I am kinda sad today. I don't really know why... just am. I was reading through some of my brother, Chris' posts on his website. http://eirrann.blogspot.com/

I was also reading my cousin, Denise's posts on her website. http://pharoahstreasure.blogspot.com/ I hope you guys don't mind me posting your sites.

I feel so distant from the people that I love. I really enjoy the fact that I can just click a little button and join them for a while in their world. It is just not the same as having a nice hot cup of perfect coffee while sitting on the couch with them. I miss the people in my life that I have not seen much of. I was really missing my dad and his family... and I thoroughly enjoyed the visit I had with them! It was the best ever in years. I am really missing my other little brother, Don and his new wife Jessica. I hurt so bad inside that I was unable to attend the reception of their wedding. I can never turn back time and join them on that special day. I really hate the fact that just not having reliable transportation kept me from that day! I wanted so badly to meet Jessica's family. If they are anything close to her... they are fabulous people. I am also really missing my mom today. We moved back to Colville because of Rich's heart transplant doctors. Moving away from them was hard. There is comfort in knowing that they are once again caring for Rich. But being back in Colville brings back memories of my mama. She is buried here in the cemetary on the hill just below the Colville mountain with the "C" and the cross that sits overlooking the valley. This is really a beautiful place. It is nothing compared to the ocean though... which I am missing as well. I have not been to alot of places in this world. I just collect parts of it in antique bottles in the form of sand or dirt. I have only been "just across the border" in Canada. I have never been to mexico... even though I used to live in southern California as a child. I have been to many states in our country... and have seen both the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. I love reading about my cousin and brothers adventures in this big world of ours. I don't know if I will ever leave this country. Like I have said in a comment on one of my cousin's post... I feel safe inside the red velvet ropes. I kind of think of all the things in life that I have wanted to do... and I look at myself. How come I didn't do more with my life? How come I write about sad things? How come I have so much emotion in my heart that always lumps up in my throat? How did I get as fat as I am? I never wanted to be 454 pounds at 36 years of age. There you go... I said it... (never actually thought I would EVER tell my weight to anyone). But really... that is what is keeping me from my happiness. Don't get me wrong... I have joy in my life. I laugh and joke around at work... and I have fun being with my family, Rich and Hannah... (and our little puppy "Sterling" is a hoot!) I am sad today mostly because of the pain in my body... which is caused because of my weight. On the same page though... I am thankful that I have what health that I do... and am able to work 40 hours a week on my feet to be the sole provider for my family. I am dealing with the hurts and pains hidden deep in my heart from "things" in the past... and it is good to get all of that out. It is hard though... to be a 150 pound woman and carry around the equivalent of 30 (extra) ten pound bags of potatoes. It is hard enough to carry in one 10 pound bag of potates from the car to the house... yet I have 30... attached in various places all over my body. No one but myself is to blame. During the death of my mother... and the illness of my husband... and STRESS about it all... I took comfort in food. You know the kind... the hot super cheesey and sweet gooey kind of food that "makes you feel better". NOT!!! What I miss really bad... is my mama's words of comfort. She had been there. She knew what it was like to have pain in places of your body that should never hurt. She knew what it was like to be fat. She knew what it was like to have to deal with that battle. She knew what it was like to lose it too! She always had just the right thing to say to me to comfort me... or to just let me know that I was not alone. What pains my heart the most is the promise I made to her that I have not yet been able to keep. I went to my mom's house one morning for coffee and to just talk. I was tired from work... and hurting. She told me that if she could give me one thing... it would be the feeling she had right after she had run up a flight of stairs in high heels and never got out of breath and didn't hurt. I promised her that I would try to lose my weight so that I too could enjoy that feeling. It saddens me that I have not yet been able to succeed in this quest of mine. She has been gone now for 5 years this August 9th... and I still haven't freed myself of what keeps me from doing things in life I miss and enjoy.