A Prayer To God...

I was looking for a recipe book to find a cookie recipe for my friend Thelma... and I came across one of my writing notebooks that I thought I had lost. I have been looking for this particular notebook for a long time now. (I even found the cookie recipe). I was looking through the notebook and I found an entry and also a prayer that I had written to God that I forgot I wrote about.

My mama had passed away on August 9th 2000... I wrote the entry and the prayer on November 19th 2000.

Entry:
I have found myself running from God ever since my mom died. I have been running hard against the wind. But the Lord is my shepherd... and everso gently he pulls me back to him. I haven't been able to go to church lately. Sort of convenient when you are running.

Then I wrote:
"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son... that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16

Then on the next page... I wrote the prayer... and I remember I had spent alot of time crying... actually sobbing... in between the first entry... and the prayer.

Nov. 19, 2000
Dear Lord... I am sorry for running away from you lately. The closer I got to you the worse I looked. The more ugliness I saw. It terrified me. I am so imperfect. The more I could see wrong with me - the further away from you I wanted to be because I thought once again... "Who am I?" Compared to you Lord I am but a speck of dirt. The more I saw, the worse I felt. I know that you have called me to write. But when I feel so inadequate I don't even feel like I would do a good job with that. The past few weeks Lord... it has been real convenient to work late on Sunday mornings. I didn't want to go to church to "expose my dirt" or to notice more wrong about me. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able--with all my faults--to live up to all that you expect from me. I was running my race against all the other runners. Pushing against the flow. What I thought would be the easy way out-- ended up making me struggle more and get more tired as I went. I wanted to run the race. But the path marked out for me seemed ominous and hard. I kept seeing all the huge boulders in the path that I was too tired to get around. Tired because I used up all of my energy fighting against you. You who were the champion before the game was ever played. I want to run my race--I want to run it in the right direction. But I want to do more than just run the race-- I want to win my prize. I don't want to get to heaven and show my crown empty of jewels. I don't want my crown to be a rusty old bent up coat hanger with a piece of last years Christmas tinsel hanging off of one side. I can only hope for a crown of the purest gold adorned with the most precious of all jewels. Lord-- tie your leg to mine and let's win this 3 legged race together. For your legs are stronger and faster than mine-- and you know the right direction to run in. I want you to teach me Lord. Give me the words I am supposed to write. Shine your light on my heart and soul. Illuminate my soul. Bring forth all things good in me and discard all things bad. Today when I went to church-- you knew I would feel as though I had a cold hard heart. But you also knew that when you said, "I dare you" that you would get my attention. And it ends up that with just one small whisper of a touch from your grace and love-- what I thought was a cold solid stone heart-- would melt. You have known me since before I was created. You gave to me all that I am. You filled me with your love and have been my shepherd all my life. Gently pulling me back to you as I stray blindly away from you. You knew that the very first bible verse in Christian school that I had memorized would mean so much to me today... November 19, 2000. And you knew that today would be the day that I would read and understand the next five verses after...

"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only son. This is the verdict: light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." John 3:17-21

Lord I want to run the race and be a winner. I want to personally glorify your name. I am asking for your help though Lord. Please keep me close to your side. Keep me focused on the finish line and make me aware everyday of all the reasons why I must finish the race. Straighten my path and make me strong enough to win. Take my worries away Lord... I'm going to let you have them all. With each worry that I give to you Lord, send back a blessing in it's place. Keep my heart strong... not hard, and keep my mind open... not shut. Keep my eyes fixed on you Lord-- Do Not let them be led astray... and keep my pen writing-- so that I can share with others how you have made my life changed and better.

I never finished this prayer.... but I do now.... IN JESUS NAME... AMEN.