So Much Lost... Yet So Much Gained...

Recently I have been stressing out about things. Finances... or lack there of. Worries about things that we need... and things that we have lost. Not lost in the sense of..."Gosh darn it... where did I put my keys?" But lost in the sense of the years that have gone by... the hopes and dreams that a once 18 year old woman thought she could achieve... the time that was put on hold during all the illness and 'stuff' that we have been through in the past 8 years. I know that I should not worry... but I do. God knows that I do... and in the back of my head he tells me..."Knock that off Suzii... you know that I can handle things better than you can!" So why do I still worry? Well... because I am living in the moment of the stress. It is hard sometimes to "see the road ahead of you" and not know which way 'things' are going to go.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to this life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow? They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~Matthew 6:25-34~

According to my bible... these are words from Jesus himself! Yet I still worry. It is hard to live from paycheck to paycheck... and sometimes from paycheck to NO paycheck.

I am very thankful for the "things" I have in my life. I know that there are many more people in this world that have ALOT less... and some have nothing at all. We still desire to live 'just a little better'. Or... 'if we only had a little more money'. Or... 'how many more meals do we have left until payday?' Or...'how many more trips to work can I make with the gas that we have?'

When Rich had to quit his job because of his heart failure... we spent 8 months just struggling without money. I look back on it now... and I wonder how we did it. Rich's co-workers had set up a little fund at a local bank that we used for paying some of our bills. And... Alot of the bills just didn't get paid. Our credit went down the tubes REALLY fast! It is sad that this world revolves on credit. There are so many people out there that don't have any... or they have had a really bad run of luck... but they have jobs and are trying to make it.

Rich and I, when we first got married, would make "5 year goals". We would go for a ride and just talk about where we would like to see ourselves in 5 years. One time our goal was to own a nice reliable car. We worked really hard. The next 5 years we wanted to be buying, or own our own place to live in... and have enough money to pay all of our bills with some to spare. When Rich got sick.... our "5 year goals" came to an abrupt stop. We started living day to day... hour to hour. Rich's favorite saying... and his life motto is "live life one day at a time".

I remember sitting in our mobile home that we were buying before he got sick and saying to myself..."We are finally living a comfortable life... our bills are paid... and we have money left over!" I was so proud that we had done what we wanted so badly just a few years prior. I regret saying that now. I regret ever getting that comfortable and feeling that secure. Not long after that our world was sent into a downward spinning spiral... kind of like when you see a funnel cloud come out of the sky... and it destroys everything in its path.

Even though we struggled so hard... fighting to live... scraping to survive... I still would thank God for what we did have. I used to cry to him and pout and ask him... "Why us?... What did we ever do to deserve this?" I can honestly sit here today and say that God wanted me to learn how to be sincerely thankful for the tiniest of blessings that he has given us... and he wanted me to realize and learn that the "things" of this earth... mean nothing when you are gone. It is the fragile and precious gift of life itself that he wanted us to appreciate.

After my mom passed away... I got all her "stuff". Some of her "stuff" went to my brothers... and some of her "stuff" went to a community closet for those less fortunate who might need wheelchairs, or a hospital bed, or a bedside commode. All of the "stuff" that went with being sick... we gave away... we wanted no part of it. But what made me realize that the things of this world don't matter? I will tell you. I have some of my mother's things in my house. Little nick nack type things. Things that my mind has memories of us buying together. Memories of how she used to display all of her little treasures around her house. All of those things... that are now in my house collecting dust... are full of thoughts of her. But I would throw all of those things into a great big bonfire to have just one hug from my mother again.

It is really not the things of this world that matter. I am very thankful that I have been blessed with a job ever since Rich has become disabled. And I am thankful that he is allowed his disability. Without that... our financial situation would be even worse. I am thankful that we have been blessed with a reliable car ever since all this has happened. We have lost several cars.. but have been blessed with another in its place. I am sad that the house we were buying that we had to sell to keep it from being taken away from us is no longer ours... but I am very thankful we have a place to rent. It is the biggest place we have ever lived in (not counting base housing when Rich was in the Air Force). I am thankful for the community food bank. We don't go there all the time... but there are times when we really do need it. I am thankful that we do not have to be on welfare... we have used it in the past... and it is there for those who really need it. I am thankful for the fact that Rich and I figured out that we really do love each other still. We almost lost each other a few years ago. I remember how close we came to him taking Hannah and moving to Ohio with his mother without me. At the time niether one of us cared. We had gotten so caught up in the funnel cloud... it was hard to focus on what was really happening around us. We were so busy trying to deal with the "stuff" of this life that had been thrown at us... we forgot how to love each other... we forgot how to live beyond the tornado. I am thankful that even though I am severly overweight... I am able to hold down a full time job on my feet every day. I pray to God every day that my health gets better and am able to enjoy a full long life with the family I have struggled so hard to keep!

The most important thing I am thankful for... is God himself. He has carried us through some rough waters (so to speak). I look back on it all now... and all I can say is "Thank you Lord... whewwwwww!"

I used to hate the fact that Rich changed his motto to "live life one day at a time"... I wanted another 5 year goal. But I have come to the conclusion that every day is a good day... and I am glad to wake up and have my family with me. We get behind on all of our bills... but somehow we make it. I pray for our finances to get better and have enough to have money left over. I love to share all of the blessings that God has given us. I give my life to him day after day after day. God is the reason we are still here... He is and always has been the protector of my life.