We Learn As We Grow...

I wrote in one of my previous posts about my visit with my dad on the 8th of this month. Not only was the visit with my dad much needed... since the visit I have grown to find a love for my step-mother, Donna, that I never knew I would find. Growing up has taken a long hard road with twists and turns. I am proud to say that I no longer harbor feelings of hatred... and jealousy... and pain... sadness... and all the other stuff that kept my emotional heart hurting inside. I held those horrible things inside for so long growing up... and it is so wonderful to truly be free of them. Losing my mother... and almost losing my husband... has made me realize that life is too short to hold grudges. People can disappear in the blink of an eye... or in some cases... right before your eyes. We need to love the people who are in our lives. I have been writing, via email, to my step-mother Donna since our visit. Alot of heart to heart stuff... good stuff. I asked her if I could publish our conversations in my website... and she has agreed for me to put some of them in here. The reason I wanted to post them here is because I want the world to see... and my brothers... and family... that it is easy to work through uncomfortable situations when all of the people involved open their hearts and communicate... and you just feel a whole lot better inside when you do.

Here are the parts of the emails that I would like to share with you.

The first one is in response to me asking Donna if she would read my post about my dad... and let my dad know what I had written... the purple parts are what Donna wrote to me... and the red parts are what I wrote back in response to her.



From: Bunting's
Date: 04/15/05 15:39:33
To: ( my step mother Donna)
Subject: Re: Hi there

Donna..

I understand alot more now than what I used to. I am glad you responded and told me what you did. I have added some responses to what you wrote to me... look through and read. My words are the red ones..........

-------Original Message-------

From: ( my step mother Donna)
Date: 04/14/05 16:59:00
To: blessrhearts@theofficenet.com (which is me)
Subject: Hi there

Hi sorry it took so long to get back to you . I read your blog and we're not mad about your writng. Your dad was very touched by some of your says and liked hearing all your blog ,he understands were your coming from and me to . I have had alot of this all tagging along behind me for so many years. Alot of the feelings I write about are from my heart as I remember them back then. I am glad my dad was very touched by some of what I wrote about him. I was so glad when he finally talked to me about the childhood memories that I thought he never thought about anymore. It made me feel like he hadn't forgot about all the times we spent together when things were good.
But and there almost always is a but. I would like to explain a few things too. I know you have never been in a relationship were there was a splitup. But it hurts everyone involved and you don't know what to do . This is what happened to your parents. They drift apart one or the other and sometimes both. I know that people drift apart... and I knew that as a child. But when you ARE the child it makes you feel unloved and like you don't really matter. I know that people fall out of love for one reason or another... and I realize that everyone gets hurt. My parents life fell apart... and basically so did mine. I know it wasn't right of me... but as a child... you tend to want to blame the outsider... in this case it was you most of the time... and I sincerely apologize for that... please forgive me? I think somewhere deep down inside my heart... even during all of the turmoil... I was thankful that my dad had you so he wouldn't be lonely. You have your thoughts of what happened but , only know whats in your memory You don't know the other side. There is always another side to a story . And in life people get hurt ,you know that. We have all suffered from all thats happened.
I do want to say that you not born to hate you are not taught to hate and through the years the boys was taught this to . From hearing things all around them. I am not saying this to hurt you but you need to know. I know that my mother didn't like what happened... and she turned her hurt and pain to hate. And she suffered all the rest of her life for it. It is easy to turn pain and heartache into hate. Hate is a strong word... I mostly see it as extreme sadness. My mom was extremely sad and upset that things weren't going the way that she thought they would in her life. I was extremely sad and upset that my dad... who I loved with all my heart... just left. And the boys... you could say that maybe they are just extremely sad and upset that they missed out of having a relationship with their dad... maybe that is what they wanted... I don't know what causes theirs. I honestly don't think hate was really a good word to use. Alot of things make more sense to me now that I am older. And I am alot more soft hearted about all kinds of things. I found great healing in the fact that my dad says he thinks about the times he and I spent together when I was little... before the turmoil... to me... that meant the world. And I only hope someday the boys will forgive and learn to love their father before its to late. I would hate to see that happen cause that would hurt them more. I agree with you that it will hurt them more if they don't forgive. I know this... because I held unforgiveness in my heart for a long time... and it did nothing other than hurt me. Sometimes the initial hurt feelings take a long time to heal... then forgiveness comes about.... and I hope they find that before it is too late.
I also know that you guys did'nt have a lot of money for things but we did'nt have alot either but you got by with what you had . I am thankful that we got by on what we had... I know that there have been times that God has blessed us beyond what we could have even imagined. Things always seem harder when you are going through them... then later... when you think you got it hard... you realize.. "hey... I made it through alot worse times than these" To me... remembering all of that is like thanking God for what I have now... You know? I didn't get much support and had to go to work, but made do with what we had , Shelly and Bob did'nt have it that easy either, they was from a splitup to. Can I tell you a secret? You might already know this... but I need to tell you anyways. I was always jealous of you and Shelly and Bobby. Not because I thought you guys had more money... or more "stuff"... I was jealous because you had MY dad.................and I didn't. Forgive me for that too. But I missed him... alot.
As for the boys we only did what the state told us to do . I know you had to. I don't think badly for that. At the time I wasn't too happy about it... because I felt in the middle of everything. And... I was too young to do anything about it all. God saved me in more ways than one... and he protected us as far as being in places where we actually could have been abused by other foster homes. The ones we were in were fairly decent people. No matter what the circumstances were then... I am thankful for how everything played out through the years... if not for anything else... but to learn from it all. If your mom had'nt gotten better they could have been in foster homes for a long time and I could'nt see that happening. And they would'nt let you have them because you was to young . So what would you have done.?Would it have been any different? I was'nt taking them from your mom ,in my mind I was just taking care of them for her ,after all they was her children. I know that... and thank you for caring for them. Those times were rough on us all I agree... but honestly... I think my mother... deep down in her heart were thankful for the fact that we were all safe and cared for. She really did alot of healing in her own heart and mind about alot of this before she passed away. For several years before she passed away... she never had a bad thing to say about you guys. I think she forgave and asked God for forgiveness for what had been in her heart about alot of things in her life. She was at peace with her life for a long time before her life ended.
There is something else I wish to add, its that I want us all to get along Me too !!! and try to see each other as much as possible., because we love you and miss hearing from you . Our visit was great... and depending on our finances... I would like to be able to spend more time with you guys too. Besides my brothers... my dad is the only other link to my family. Life is too short not to love your family. And all I ask is that you love your father for who he is. I do love my dad. More than you know. More than he knows. No body is perfect... but he is my dad. And the fact that he is making an effort to include me in his life when he can... makes me feel like he loves me too. He does have a lot of good in him and he tries his best to love and take care of us all and I know he has missed the things a father should do with his children. H e did'nt have the greatest childhood , he was abused and left home early to live with his uncle. So no ones life is perfect. Rich and Hannah and I are far from perfect... we just are who we are... like us or not... lol.
So I just wanted to get a few things of my chest and tell you, there's probly more in there but it can hold for now . Hope your not upset with me. I do love you and loved the visit we had it was nice. And would like to do it again soon. Got to go for now write again soon Donna Donna... I am not upset by the things you had to get off your chest. I want to apologize to you for any hurts I have caused you. I figured there would come a day when we would just talk about this stuff. I apologize for all of the mean things I have said to you and my dad... it was out of hurt and pain. It never made me feel better... like I thought it would at the time. Like I said.. it has taken me alot of years to heal my inside heart. I used to love to be included in things when I came to your house in Deer Park when I was younger. It feels good to talk with you about these things now. It has been too long in coming. I don't want you to feel bad about what I asked my dad when I was there. I needed to hear him tell me that at one time in his and my mom's marriage that they loved each other. For so long all I remembered was anger and dislike. I didn't ask him that to hurt you. I needed to know in my own head...from him... you know? My mom will always mean alot to me... her and I went through alot together... our whole lives practically were spent very close to each other. I hurt so bad that she is gone. I know that you know how I feel. But I can honestly say that I do not want to lose you or my dad either. You both mean alot to me too. Love.. Suzii

From: (My step mother Donna)

Date: 04/16/05 14:50:39
To: blessrhearts@theofficenet.com (Me)

Suzii,
Read your answers to me email and you almost had me crying. And before you put it in writing I knew your mom had changed the there at the last few times I seen her .I knew she did'nt hate me anyway. I felt a little more relaxed around her.
I know you say hate is to strong a word ,but the boys and you yourself have used it ,in writings . And it hurts me seeing it because I know it hurts your dad,and I love him.And I am happy that we can write like this and that you are older and wiser .
And yes I knew you was jealous of us ,but Shelly and Bob had their own dad. And you also told me this along time ago .So thats over no more jealousy ,right.
I know you don't have much money to pay to come here and we will try to come there more, but we can keep in contact . O.K.
You don't have to apologize to me anymore for I know how you felt and its alright. As we said all us was hurting, And I don't feel bad about what you asked your dad., of course he loved your mom I knew that.
Also I know you miss your mom , I think of mine alot and wished she was still here. So we all have alot of hurt in our hearts and I pray we all find peace.
So please let us get along and not lose out on what life can give all of us. Thank you for the kind words I really appreciate it all .
And I guess it's alright if you put it on your blog.Write again soon Love
Donna

It really does feel good to heal the hurts we carry inside us... sometimes for years and years.

((Thank you Donna for letting me post parts of our emails. Thank you also for loving my dad. I really do love you both... and no... I am no longer jealous of you guys... I am a part of your family just as you are a part of mine. I just wish we could have been able to get all of this stuff out a long time before now))