Well Hello There!

How are we all doing today? Fine I hope! I got finished at work today... and hobbled back to sporting goods to get a thingy that goes with Rich's fishing license that we never got when we bought it. I was hobblin' pretty good... but I made it. I have decided that it is really horrible when your feet hurt at the end of the day. When your feet hurt... life is basically miserable. I have an appointment with my doctor sometime soon...(and if I were to go out to the car and look at the little yellow card, I would know when it is). They scheduled me for a time long enough for a physical. (eeewwwwwwww!) I am going to go in there and just spill all of my problems out on the table. If my feet didn't hurt so bad... I think I would just turn around and kick myself in the bottom! But NOOOO... I need to go to the doctor to do it! I have some worries... that I do not want to have become realities. I don't want to say that they are fears... because Satan would just LOVE that! He would have all the ammo he needed then to ruin my life... and I REFUSE to let him do that. They are however issues that need to be addressed by my doctor and myself... and perhaps some tests are in order to rule stuff out.

I know the name of what it is I have. It is called "fatladyitis". Now I do not mean that in a mean way. It's really true! People who are overweight have problems. I know that the easy solution would be to lose weight. hahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAhahahaha! Easier said than done! I have tried all of the diets... except the pills and the strange ones that make you eat odd things.

I have been overweight ever since I was 5 years old. I have a picture of me when I was 3 in a bikini!!!!!!! I can actually say that I have been in one! All of the women on my mom's side of the family have this tendency to be large... and if they are not large... the possibility is there. Oh yay... I got the gene... woopty-doo. I honestly believe in heredity... and lifestyle... and cravings are the cause of people being overweight. Personally... I just love food...I love to cook it... I love to eat it... and am addicted to it! It's true! I don't eat tons of it... and there are some days that I don't eat much at all. I have heard all of the dieting concepts... and do's and don'ts... and I say great! If it works for you... do it! I know what works for me... and yet I am still fat. I lost over 75 pounds on a personally modified Atkins-type style of eating. I could not do without fruit and take away my pasta and bread and I will over eat it just to have some. So I modified it. We ate mostly according to the meats and cheeses... had some veggies... and small amounts of starchy foods... so that our bodies didn't crave what they were being deprived of. I never exercised during that time... but I was on the move at work as a medication assistant in an assisted living facility. (On my feet and runnin' from the time I got there til the time I got home). I felt good... and I looked good. The picture of me on my profile section of this website was after I had lost all of that weight. (I put it there as an inspiration to myself... not to be deceptive of what I really look like.) Our financial situation turned and that way of eating became obsolete. That is a very expensive way to eat. It is definitely not a "poor man's" diet. You can buy a box of pasta at Wal*Mart for .68 cents... a can of spaghetti sauce for .88 cents... and a loaf of french bread for .94 cents and you can feed a family of three (large) people and have left overs for the next day for all of $2.50. So... when the funds are low... guess what people have for dinner? It's a fact of life in this country. I had better food in my house when I was on welfare. When you have a job... and are trying to make ends meet... and you have to either pay a bill... or buy groceries... you tend to go with the least expensive meal you can find.

I do the best at losing weight if I exercise myself to death... and eat a well balanced and small portioned diet. Unfortunately... I have gained so much weight... that it is hard for me to exercise. I hold a full time job on my feet and some days it is all I can do to make it back to the time clock four times a day...(which is probably like a mile away! Wal*Mart supercenters are huge!)

So where am I going with this? Well...I am just a few days into being 36 years old. I sit here... in my house... and think about all of the things I would love to be able to do.

I would love to get up out of a chair... and have my body feel no pain... anywhere! I would love to walk to the bathroom and not be out of breath. I would love to own a bike... and ride it to work! (6 miles one way!) I would love to buy swimming passes and actually go swimming! (something I have not done in years). I love to swim and bike... or at least I used to. I would love to mow my own yard. I would love to show the people at work that I can run circles around them. There are some days when I feel pretty good that I can! I just wish I could do it all of the time. I would love to wear a pair of jeans again. I would love to buy clothes off of a rack at Wal*Mart instead of from a catalog. Right now... I make my own shirts... just to have them big enough to cover all my parts. One thing I cannot stand... is a woman or man... who is overweight... and they have fatty parts hanging out of their clothes. What I cannot stand more are the ones who do it on purpose! They should take some pride in themselves and make themselves look as good as they can. My thing is this... everyone knows your fat... you don't have to go around showing it off. And I mean this for myself. If my parts aren't covered... I feel horrible. Maybe other people in my situation don't think of that... but I do. How we hold ourselves... makes a difference in how people view us. Us meaning the overweight society. When you take pride in yourself... I have found that others tend to look past your size... and see you for who you are. Which by the way... is fabulous! Being overweight I have also had to prove myself to my employers. I have been turned down for jobs... of have turned them down... because of the way the prospective employer stereotyped me into a "fat person who probably can't get the job done." So... with every good job I have had... I have worked myself silly... and given 200% to prove that I can be just as good... as anyone else. And that has really paid off for me.

I know that anyone of us can walk out of our door in the morning and drop dead on our doorstep without any prior notice. But I don't want to hurry that process along. I want to be healthy enough to give life a fighting chance. Rich got a second chance at life when he was given the gift of life from his heart donor. We got a second chance as a family to learn how to love each other again... Now I want us to have the chance to really LIVE! I was 28 years old when Rich got sick. That is just the beginning of time really! A time when you are just starting to figure out life... and how you would like to live it. All of that was put on hold... and so was my own health.

I had to literally put myself on the back burner. I knew I was doing it... but I had no choice. I did not have time to worry about myself... I had too many other things to concentrate on... like making sure my family stayed alive.

My biggest regret... is that Hannah now is overweight. Yep... she got the gene too. I hurt inside for her. I know what she goes through at school. I know how mean and hurtful other kids can be to an overweight kid. I even know... unfortunately... how mean and hurtful some adults are too! I don't know if people realize it... but sometimes fat people get some really horrible looks and comments from other adults.

During all of the stressful times of Rich being sick... I took comfort in food. I no longer had my mama to go to. I was pretty much stuck with myself for comfort as Hannah was too young for me to pour my worries out to. So I found that hot cheesy foods... were so comforting. Fresh warm donuts right from the fryer... were so comforting. All of the foods that you love to eat... but should restrict how you eat them... were so warm and fuzzy to your soul. There is truth to "comfort food". It is a for real concept.

Now that the basic STRESS of trying to stay alive is over... I want to go out and LIVE! But the result from the stress... is keeping me from everything I want to do. I save my energy for work. I have to. I need to work full time for my family and household to survive. We learned how to play when we moved to the Oregon Coast for two and a half years. And what a beautiful place to play in! God's masterpiece.

So here I am. Almost ready to go BACK to the doctor. I want heart tests done to rule me out for having congestive heart failure like my mother and my husband both had. CHF runs in the family history as well. I do not want it... and I will not allow it in my body. I also want to rule out any cancer questions. I do not want it... and I will not allow IT in my body either! I refuse to have it in there. I am going to get checked out... for my own PEACE of mind. I am also going for some encouragement. My doctor has been our doctor ever since I was pregnant with Hannah. 18 years. He is kind... and he will give me some good suggestions I am sure.

What I really need is prayer. I have prayed for myself... which I feel so selfish for doing. I have asked God to turn every cell that is in my body that is bad... into a cell that is good... and to get rid of all of the cells that need to be gone. I have prayed for perfect health. I have prayed for a miracle... which I believe can happen in my body. I believe in the faith of the woman who touched just the hem of Jesus' garment and was healed instantly. "When Jesus had again crossed my boat the the other side of the lake, a large crowd gathered around him while he was by the lake. Then one of the synagogue rulers, named Jairus, came there. Seeing Jesus, he fell at his feet and pleaded earnestly with him, "My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live." So Jesus went with him. A large crowd followed and pressed around him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had given all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, "If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed." Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering. At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, "Who touched my clothes?" "You see the people crowding against you," his disciples answered, "and yet you can ask, 'Who touched me?'" But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." ~Mark 5:21-29~ I believe those miracles are still available for the receiving. God can heal in the blink of an eye. And I want to be completely healed and healthy. I want to glorify him and shout it to the world that God is the reason for my life, my health, and for the very breath I breathe! I want to fulfill my promise to him... and the promise that I made to my mother. I also want all of this for my daughter and husband too. I want us all to wake up for years to come and enjoy the life that the Lord has given to us... together. *In Jesus Name... Amen*

I would like to also have healing for those like myself who need it. I feel for you... I know what you are going through. Circumstances are different... but yet we are the same. I see myself as God sees me... and that is not a fat woman. I have been given a glimpse of what God has in store for my life... and I want to live it... healthy!