Gotta Get It Outta My Head...

I wrote this on September 26, 2000. 48 days after my mother passed away. After she died, my mind tried to justify her life. My heart wanted to make sense out of all that she had suffered. I spent alot of time in prayer and mourning. I felt like I was the one left to explain it all... to get stuff out in the open... to realize and heal what was hurting... to release what was crammed in my heart from years past... but mostly I felt a huge pull to never forget anything and everything about my mother. What I wrote tries to explain all those "crazy times" that I have spoken of before that my mother endured for a series of years.

September 26, 2000
People who know me, know that I am writing this book. They have ask me all the time what the book is about. I have so many opportunities to share God with people. Sometimes it is overwhelming. It's like I know what I know--but how do I say it to someone? How do you share the love of God with them without being offensive or pushy? I want them to know that God is real and he loves each and every one personally. My purpose in life is to let people know that they are not alone in their sufferings that they may be going through. I have felt alone many times during my life. But it is only now that I realize--God was with me.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 NIV Bible
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

This is how I feel. God's grace is sufficient for me--Suzanne Michelle Bunting--and His power is made perfect in our weakness. Because of my weaknesses and my hardships and my difficulties-- I can share God with others who may have the same struggles. God's love brings us through our hardships. God's grace allows us to come through those times with peace, understanding, knowledge and compassion. All to glorify God, who in turn justifies our pain and sufferings, making us stronger.

I had to grow up real fast as a pre-teen. There was a long period of time -years- to be exact, that my mother suffered "nervous breakdowns". My mom as far as I know--has been a born again Christian since she was a youngster. I know that she asked Jesus into her heart at a young age. I also know that when she suffered through these "breakdowns" she was still a Christian.

I am going to just lay some stuff out on the table here. I'll tell you how I saw it--how I witnessed it--and how I see it now. I believe that Satan can torment us. God knows Satan tempts us... and he can torment us too. (Even Christians) I saw it happen. It happened to my mom, and my mom was a Christian! Spiritual warfare... battle between good and evil. All my life I've had it said to me that if you say it and believe it in Jesus name it will be done.

I have a funny family story-you know those that get passed on for years and years. I can tell you the basics of the story. My grandma always rebuked things in Jesus name. I guess something had happened to one of my uncles as a child--I don't recall if it was that he was just feeling ill or what-- (this is one of those things that I wish my mom was still alive to tell me)... but anyways, the one child said to the other..."Just puke in Jesus name and you will feel better!"

I don't know what started my moms depression. I don't know the trigger. All I know is that she went through some pretty strange things. I believe tha Satan wants all people to perish. Especially God's children. He fights to the end of our lives for our souls. He even fights for Christian souls. If he can get one of those then he can flaunt it to God.

Ephesians 6:10-20 NIV Bible
(The Armor of God) Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against the flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all of this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should."

My mom would see evil "hallucinations". She would hear things. She was in a battle. A battle for her soul. She was suicidal several times. She was lethargic at times. She would lock herself in her bedroom "to keep you kids safe". (She would say). I honestly feel that Satan tried to take control of her mind. He put fear in her. Now-please keep in mind--when alot of this was going on I was the age of 10-16. So this stuff went off and on for several years. A household had to be run. Meals had to be prepared. My brothers needed cared for. I grew up fast. Now mind you... I did not do everything... But I felt like I had to make sure my family stayed together. I tried to make things seem normal. I tried to be there for my mom--UNCONDITIONALLY--I loved her. There were times that I was scared. Other times I was embarrassed. And only by the Grace of God did we make it through all of it.

My mom and I, later on in our lives, talked about all that happened during those years. She told me that through the whole time of her "breakdowns" she spent alot of times on her knees praying in tongues. I saw it. She did. For hours and hours at a time. Crying and pleading with God. She was afraid of all that she went through. She said that one time she had been praying and laying on her bed and she felt a pressure on her leg. She said she could actually see the impression on her leg. She said it was a comforting feeling. As she told me this... she would press her hand onto her leg in what I guessed was the exact spot.

She told me also of one time that she was on her hands and knees bent over the side of the bathtub washing her hair. She was just getting ready to go somewhere. She said she got this feeling like someone was hovering behind her and over her. She said that she had chills and she heard an evil voice say..."I want your soul!" She said that she stood up and turned around and screamed "In Jesus name I rebuke you Satan and you will NEVER have my soul!"... she said then it was gone.

I also remember my mom once calling me into her bedroom. she had the window open wide and she was breathing in deep gulps of air from outside. I asked her what she was doing. She said "I can't stand the smell. I am trying to get fresh air." I told her that I didn't smell anything. She said, "You can't smell it?" I said, "No... what does it smell like?" She said that she could smell burning bodies. My thought is this... Satan and his demons live in hell. Hell is fire. Those who die and go to hell would burn. If one who lived in hell were to have the stench of hell around them--meaning Satan--wouldn't he smell of burning bodies? I don't know. But if Satan was tormenting her--maybe she did smell the stench of hell. I know that she believed the smell was really there. I know that I didn't smell it. She was living a different reality than me. And I know that to her--her reality was real. I accepted that. I also know that I had to try to talk her back to my reality. I went into her room and told her that I didn't smell anything. I would sniff the air and tried to make her realize that honestly- I didn't smell anything. I told her that she should come out of her bedroom because the rest of the house didn't smell like that. I eventually got her to leave her room. I never knew what was going to happen next. I had to be open and prepared for anything. I often say that it was like I always had to watch what I said. I tried to make sure that I never said anything that would trigger my mom. I kind of had to "talk on egg shells"... instead of "walk on egg shells". I always had to show her compassion and understanding even though I didn't understand what exactly was going on. This stuff didn't go on all the time. It happened in waves. Looking back now... I wonder... how did I--a teenager--know what to say or do in these times... and all I can say is "There for the grace of God go I".

My mom would stand out in our back yard and yell at the top of her lungs. She would go for rides by herself and she said she would just scream as loud as she could in the car with the windows rolled up. I remember one time she told me she was walking around town in her nightgown. She had been hospitalized and thought she was in a motel and could come and go as she pleased. She was "going out for coffee".

My mom at one point started sleeping on the couch. She couldn't sleep in her room anymore. I got up and went into the kitchen for something and my mom scared me. She was standing in the dark holding a large kitchen knife. I asked her what she was doing. She said that someone was in the house. I tried to tell her that no one was in the house. I went and looked around. I was scared but I had to prove to her that no one was there. I came back to her and told her that I looked through everything and no one was in the house. She said that she had to kill them to protect us. She looked at me and said, "He is right behind you, don't you see him?" I said... "Mother... LOOK!" and I waved my hands around in the air like I was showing her empty space and I said "there's no one here". I told her to put the knife in the kitchen... that she didn't need it. No one could get in our house. I went through and looked all the doors and windows. By the Grace of God she put the knife in the kitchen. I was so afraid that she would hurt herself. I think back on it now and what if she actually saw--in her reality--an evil presence standing behind me. What would have happened if that evil presence hated God's children so much that he would mentally distort someone's vision so much that she would have thought she was killing an intruder and actually, not knowing it, killed me? It could have happened. But it didn't. Jesus was my protection. He had ultimate control over all these situations. No actual physical harm came to any of us--absolutely nothing! I believe that all of us-- even my mother--was protected by the blood of Jesus. I also believe tha I am still here... even though my mom is now in heaven. I am here... and I intend on exposing Satan's evil scheme... and let all of the world know that Jesus is our salvation that can bring us through any trials and sufferings victoriously unscathed!!!

Now I know that there are people in this world who are skeptics. Even through my discussions I have had with a friend... she has told me that many Christians don't believe... that as a Christian one can be oppressed by Satan. Now I did not know this. How could they not believe it? In the Websters Dictionary International Edition the definition of oppress is: 1. to burden of keep in subjugation by harsh and unjust use of force or authority, tyrannize. 2. to lie heavy upon physically or mentally; weighdown; depress; dispirit. 3. to crush or trample; overwhelm. See synonyms under ABUSE, LOAD, PERSECUTE.

The definition of oppression is: 1. the act of oppressing. 2. subjection to unjust hardships; tyranny. 3. Mental depression; langour; dulness of spirits. 4. a sense of weight or of constrictions. 5. that which oppressess or is hard to bear; privation; hardship; cruelty.

Now God's word says... Psalms 9:9 NIV Bible "The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble." and verse 10 says... "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."

Now--"those who know you"... wouldn't they be Christians? Verse 9 doesn't say that the Lord is a refuge for the oppressed non christian. I know for a fact that my mother was a Christian. I know for a fact that she was filled with the Holy Spirit and had the gift of speaking in tongues. 1 Corinthians 12:1-11 NIV Bible... "Now about spiritual gifts, brothers, I do not want you to be ignorant. You know that when you were pagans, somehow or other you were influenced and led astray to mute idols. Therefore I tell you that no one who is speaking by the Spirit of God says, "Jesus be cursed", and no one can say, "Jesus is Lord," except by the Holy Spirit. There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men. Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. To one there is given through the Spirit the message of wisdom, to another the message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues. All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he gives them to each one, just as he determines." I know for a fact that she was fighting Satan's oppression. I witnessed it. I know for a fact she fell on her knees for hours and hours, days upon days, praying in the Spirit. I watched her do it. She was taking refuge in her Lord who was her stronghold in times of trouble. And I know for a fact that the Lord did never forsake her because she sought him.

In God's word... Psalms 12:5 NIV Bible "Because of the oppression of the weak and the groaning of the needy, I will now arise," says the Lord. "I will protect them from those who malign them." Again in Websters... Malign means to speak slander of. Now because of my mothers oppression by Satan... many people in this world... such as doctors and phychologists, neighbors, friends, people at church, people in town... didn't speak too kindly of my mother during these times. They told her she was "unfit"... not a good mother... etc etc. Well... the Lord protected us from all that. The laws of this world took it's hold on our family. My mother spent time in a mental hospital (voluntarily... so she could keep her children)...and my brothers and I spent time in other foster homes and such. My mother...even through all this was trying to save her family. She loved us and we loved her... no matter what we were going through at the time. We were protected by the Lord.

Psalms 72:4 "He will defend the afflicted among the people and save the children of the needy; he will crush the oppressor."

Pslams 72:14 "He will rescue them from oppression and violence, for precious is their blood in his sight."

God was our protector; our defender; our rescuer... our savior was with us watching out for us.