The Tree Of Life...

I found this picture in an old magazine when my mom was in the hospital, here in Colville, in early May of 2000. She was sick from what we now know was cancer. I was so shocked when I found it! On April 7, 2000... a month prior to finding the picture... I wrote the following:

I believe that if you give your disease to Jesus... lay it at the cross... you will live new with Jesus. Here is where I take my own medicine... so-to-speak. I didn't pick up a bottle to comfort my sorrows. I picked up a fork. It might as well have been a shovel... because I built a wall around my body. I guess I figured that the bigger I was, the harder it would be for things to hurt me. You know... padding from the pain. Well to tell you the truth, I wasn't padding the hurt... I was hurting even more. I realized that with my wall... I was more sensitive, more vulnerable, and more exposed by my wall than I was protected by it. My dad tried to cover up his pain with a bottle. He was an alcoholic for alot of years... now sober. He had a bad childhood... and alot of let downs in his adult life as well. I would love for my dad to know Jesus. I no longer hold bitterness in my heart toward him. All of my tears of pain are gone. I pray that someday the Lord will open his eyes and heart to all the glory, peace and love that God has for him. As I write this I can tell you where I am at in my journey. I am at a place where I can see over the obstacles in my life that I have struggled with for so long... and am still trying to conquer. I desire to be more like Jesus... and I can see the glorious valley on the other side. I can see that in order for me to get over the obstacles... I am going to have to keep myself in God's word and work hard to get myself into shape mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I will win my prize... I will conquer... I will not waste my life... I will strive to reach the place that God wants me to be in... and hopefully with God's grace I will touch someone else's life along the way. My wall that I built around me has many different kinds of bricks. One brick is rejection. I felt severe rejection when my dad left us. It caused me pain... it is now a brick... or a stumbling block if you will. To be perfectly honest, being "morbidly obese" is another brick. What actually caused the reaction of 'fork lifting'? ((Oh my... does that make me a heavy machinery operator?... hahaha... excuse my humor... strange sometimes!)) Rejection is a huge brick... kind of one of my foundational blocks. The one at the bottom. The hardest one to get at. Attached right next to that block would be fear. The fear of being rejected by others. These two bricks turned me into a "loner". Not many friends growing up. Another block would be saddness. Maybe deep down inside, I didn't want to get hurt by anyone... so I didn't let anyone get close. So as my pain (another block) kept growing and expanding... I kept getting larger and larger. Opening up (not closing out) the ridicule, insults, finger pointing and people laughing at me... which in turn caused more rejection, more fear, more pain. My wall kept getting bigger and bigger. A never ending layer of blocks being added. Now I am sitting here wanting to run the race that God has for me. Except you cannot run when there are concrete blocks weighing you down. There is only one way to break down the wall... Jesus.

John 14:6 NIV Bible... "Jesus answered 'I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me'."

I have an image in my mind that I am going to try to describe. When I was little... before the beginning of my wall... I asked Jesus to be my savior and to come into my heart and live in me. Then... my wall started sometime later. All of these things seemed to smother. The wall is now all around me. But Jesus is still in my heart. As I reach inside to grasp any hope I can find... Jesus begins to grow. Making himself more kown to me... like a tree was planted as a seedling in my soul. Now growing and reaching. Grounding firm it's roots. And as I keep reaching toward Jesus, the tree keeps growing. And inside the circle of bricks... this tree reaches upward to the only light it can see which is through the opening at the top of the round cylinder wall which is heavenward. All the while, through the years, and prayers... this little tree starts to grow big and strong. Until finally one day through lots of perseverance the tree pushes one of the little blocks loose. Little by little the tree gets taller and bigger around. Breaking loose the blocks as it grows. Then finally at the end of it's growth, reaching the highest point heavenward, there stands in all of the brightness of the Glory of God... a cross. Strong and firm in its foundation. And at the ground around the base of the cross is a tiny pile of pebbles. No longer of any hinderance to the life that Jesus has for me. There standing beside the cross free from any walls....... well.... I hope you get the picture.

So... about a month after I wrote this... I found this picture!

Jeremiah 17:7&8..."But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."