Words From My Past... to Speechless...

I haven't written anything for a couple of days. I was busy at work... and busy after work... and had to work early... went fishing(!)... had appointments in Spokane... and now...............I can rest! ((and write))

I have decided to post a few things that I have found tucked away inside my bible that I have written in the past. As I sit here and read through them... I can say that I have come a long way since I wrote these. I can still feel the depth of my emotions that I had when I put those words on the paper. It is very healing to my spirit to know that God is faithful and loves us beyond all measure.

The first thing I would like to share is a poem that I wrote on 10-12-00. (Two months and three days after my mother passed away)... it is untitled...

The agony that cuts so deep.
The anguished ripping sorrow.
So ever present tearing my heart.

The pain and tears flow freely
From deep inside a bottomless well.
To heal and find comfort for my heart.

The aching in my arms to reach out.
No more sensation of a touch.
The bond once held in our heart.

The death. The silence.
The end of precious life.
Longing to find peace of heart.

The emptiness forever echoing.
My thoughts so hard to bear.
Weighing like an anchor tied around my heart.

The love. The friendship.
The purely unselfish sacrifices.
Never to be measured by another's heart.

Oh God I miss you mama
Even more as time goes by.
I hate the sadness in my heart.

When I wrote this... I was deep into mourning my mother's death. I honestly could not see me ever healing from it. I have healed. My heart does not cry anymore. Yes, I miss my mother more than words can say... but I know that I will see her again in eternity.

The second thing I want to share is a letter I wrote to God and stuck it in my bible. It was probably written around September of 2002. (I know this because I asked God about 'moving' and we did eventually move in September 2002)

Dear God...
It's me, Suzii. My mom is a new visitor to your house. She is a very special lady. Please give her all your finest. In my eyes she deserves it. She was my best friend Jesus. I'm still not quite sure how I am going to handle not having her to talk with. I miss her very much. My heart is aching and the tears often well up from the pit of my stomach. Does she miss me? I hope that she is pleased with everything I have done to honor her memory. I don't know what plans you have in store for me & my family but I sure hope it brings financial freedom and my successful coffee shop. I also hope you shed some light on prospects of moving or not. Please Jesus... guide our paths... light our way... give us the knowledge and wisdom to choose and do the things that will bring us to the awesome place you must have in store for us. Jesus... touch my heart. Repair the tears... patch the holes. Bring peace to my soul and comfort to my heart and mind.
Oh... and let my mom see all of my successes. I used to like to share them with her. Give her a big hug and kiss for me. And tell her thank you for all that she's done for me. But most of all... tell her that I love her very very much.

Love

Suzii

Well... I do not have my coffee shop... YET! But we did end up moving to Newport, Oregon for two and a half years! It was the most beautiful place in the world to heal the hurts my family was suffering. We healed our relationship there. We learned how to love each other again. We became a little more financially stable than we had been... (and still are striving to reach financial freedom)... I still think about my mother... (alot!)... but the tears don't flow as much... and my heart does not rip apart any longer. The deep aching empty holes that once riddled my heart have been patched over with comfort and peace. My mind and soul can see more clearly now as to the true treasures of this life... and I feel the love of my mother... and family... in every fiber of my being... and I know that THEY know... that I love them as well.

The next thing I want to share was also tucked inside my bible. It was written on an Excell Bakery cake order form. When I was on lunch break one time I wrote it.

Of course you probably wouldn't know it... but it has been about 5 months since I've written anything. My thoughts lately have been preoccupied, stirred up, turned upside down and scattered to the wind. But we have an awesome God who is faithful to us if we are faithful to him. He allows us time to gather and sort and properly file our brains at a pace that is comfortable. Sometimes he may allow it to seem a little uncomfortable. But when you finally do get ready to take control and have a focus, you are more able to clearly see. It's like a gently fog rolling back off of the ocean. The more it dissipates the farther off on the horizon you can see.

I carefully re-tucked all of these notes back into my bible. The past words I have written are a foundation to the words that are yet to come. They keep me focused and allow me to remember exactly what I have been through... and what I was feeling at that time. It is awesome to see how far I have come since alot of those words were written.

Now I would like to share with you a place in the bible. Sometimes you read something in there that just touches you in the core of your heart. You may have read it a gozillian times in the past... but sometimes it just reaches out to you. This is one of those places.

1 Peter 1:3-12 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade - kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. Concerning this salvation, the prophets, who spoke of the grace that was to come to you, searched intently and with the greatest care, trying to find out the time and circumstances to which the Spirit of Christ in them was pointing when he predicted the sufferings of Christ and the glories that would follow. It was revealed to them that they were not serving themselves but you, when they spoke of the things that have now been told you by those who have preached the gospel to you by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven. Even angels long to look into these things."

I am speechless. (Speechless=not capable of being expressed in words)