"...Your Joy Will Be Complete."

Today, my friend Thelma and I, got up early and met at the Colville city park again. This was the second time this week. The first day we walked around the park once... stopping halfway... to rest and visit on a much needed picnic table. It is amazing how many hills are actually around that park. Driving in your car... it all SEEMS flat... but that is not really the case! When you are walking around it... you realize that there is a gradual uphill grade... so slight that to an out of shape person... seems like a mountain! The first day... we stopped periodically to find air to breathe. Today... the little hills... weren't quite as mountainous to me... and I didn't need to stop quite as much. We stopped again at the much needed picnic table to rest a bit and visit... share God. After sitting for a while... I NEEDED to get back up again... before I couldn't. We made it around to the cars again... and decided to go around again! It was great! We made it completely around the park... without stopping at the picnic table... in 15 minutes!!!! I was quite breathless... but managed to stay alive! And it FELT SO GOOD!!! I really enjoy this time. I pray we can continue to meet for our "walkie-talkies" for a long time to come! I feel like each step I take... brings me one step closer to the rest of my life and closer to the dream that God has for me. I don't even hurt from all the walking... I actually feel pretty good. My mind is alert and open... and my thoughts on many things feel clear.

I have come so far in my life spiritually, emotionally, mentally... the past several years were pretty rough and rocky... and yet here I sit and can look back into all of those thoughts and emotions that I once had and still feel them through the words that I had written during that time. I have learned so much. Sometimes it feels like the rough times we went through were like another lifetime ago... but it wasn't. And at the time... it felt like we would NEVER get through them.

I wrote this to God... six days after my husband Rich had a mechanical heart pump implanted into his abdomen:

Feb. 19, 2001 8:47pm
Dear Lord...
This is the first time I have been able to even clarify in my mind what consists of a prayer. You have taken our lives down a new, and at times, a scary road. A road that has been traveled by others - but is still unknown to us and our situation. You have had your hand in all of this the whole way and when I have a chance to pause now and again - I can see your presence clearly. And since I have taken this moment that has been given to me - this moment to take a fresh breath... to regroup... and hopefully get some rest - even though this moment will be brief -- I thank you for it. And also - before I lose this window of clarity, I need to ask you for a few things. I need your support physically. Allow me strength and endurance. I need you to support us financially and with insurance for Rich's medical needs. Allow for us an over abundance and some reassurance. I need you to bring me the proper attitude for others who want to understand where we are in this journey, and mostly for those who have no understanding whatsoever. Allow for me to have compassion and forgiveness. I need for you to balance me emotionally and mentally. Allow for me a release for stress, anxiety and tears. Bring my soul some happiness... pure inner joy. I also need for you to give me whatever I need to be a good mom - and wife - and yet allow me the time to find and be myself as well. Lord... I am once again putting these all in your hands... requests and all. Continue to take us by the hand and lead us along this path you have helped us on. Guide us, protect us and just make yourself known to us and those around us. My window of clarity is closing. Jesus name... Amen. 9:17pm P.S. Don't forget my book... YOUR BOOK. John 16:17-33 "Some of his disciples said to one another, "What does he mean by saying, 'In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me,' and 'Because I am going to the Father'? They kept asking, "What does he mean by 'a little while'? We don't understand what he is saying." Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, "Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, 'In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me'? I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. so with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. Though I have been speaking figuratively, a time is coming when I will no longer use this kind of language but will tell you plainly about my Father. In that day you will ask in my name. I am not saying that I will ask the Father on your behalf. No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God. I came from the Father and entered the world; now I am leaving the world and going back to the Father." Then Jesus' disciples said, "Now you are speaking clearly and without figures of speech. Now we can see that you know all things and that you do not even need to have anyone ask you questions. This makes us believe that you came from God." "You believe at last!" Jesus answered. "But a time is coming, and has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home. You will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. I have told you these things so that you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

((I then wept with my face buried on the pages of my bible.))

I felt at that time... like I had asked for so many things from God... I felt like when I read this verse in the bible that even though we were going through so much grief... that it would soon be turned to joy... and that no matter what the world threw at us... we would be ok... because Jesus had overcome the world! It was quite a relief to know that we were not alone. I took comfort in this... and comfort was what I needed most... because the journey was so long during Rich's heart surgeries and illness. I give all glory to God... Rich's mechanical heart pump surgery... AND his entire heart transplant... AND an emergency surgery for a strangulated bowel (which was a complication from the other two surgeries)... were completely covered by insurance by my employer at Excell bakery. I had no rights, officially, to this insurance. The store was cutting everyone's hours... and I was cut to 32 hours per week. Only full time employees were allowed insurance. I called my employer and explained to him what was happening in my family... and as I felt I was begging him for insurance... he stopped me and he said..."You have too much to worry about without having to worry about insurance. You will keep your insurance... because I have been there... and I know what you are going through." I hope God blesses Terry Sparrow for that. My family and I have been very blessed... during that time... and now. We never lacked anything. Somehow... we had enough to always get by and get to where we needed to go... and food to eat... and a place to live... and a full time job for me... and disability income for Rich. But mostly we have been blessed with intangible things like love, friendship, forgiveness, and so many more things beyond what can even be described. It is because I let God handle things in my life... instead of me trying to do it all. We can do NOTHING... compared to what God can do for us. We usually screw it all up... and with God... it is done right the first time. We make things harder than they need to be. It is hard to really and truly GIVE OUR TROUBLES TO GOD... but... it's easier to let him handle it... than to try and carry it all ourselves. Once again I say... be faithful to the Lord... and he will return the favor. He does not want us to suffer... when we go through trials... we need to lean on him... and he will bless us for it. I never wanted to ask for things for myself... but no one else knew exactly what we were going through. How can we receive hope and strength and endurance and health and happiness and joy... if we don't ask for it? All of those things are rightfully ours. Don't let Satan steal those things away from you! And like the above verse said..."Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."