We Learn From Our Mistakes

Remember the rainbow and what it symbolizes in the story of Noah?

Genesis 9:12-17 "And God said, 'This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.' So God said to Noah, 'This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth.' "

This picture that I posted... Yaquina Head Lighthouse~at sunset~Newport, Oregon... reminds me of the covenant I have with my husband.

We have been back in Washington state for a year now. 3 and a half years ago... our lives together as a family... almost came to an end. I am going to tell you about something that is extremely hard for me to talk about. It is very hurtful to me... and my family... to remember.

A few years prior to three and a half years ago... stress took its toll on our lives and marriage. We had been struggling to keep my husband, Rich, alive. He suffered for several years from congestive heart failure. During a time when he actually started feeling "a little better"... I struggled to keep my mother alive. She lost her battle to cancer... within 3 and a half months after being diagnosed. Then... Rich became very ill again. He then needed a mechanical heart pump... a heart transplant... and emergency surgery for a strangulated bowel (which was a complication from the removal of the heart pump). During this whole time... we had a car repossessed because we could no longer afford it... we racked up alot of medical bills... our financial situation was spiraling downward completely out of control.

We forgot how to love each other during this time. Rich and I both did things... that were really wrong. We never physically cheated on each other. We did cheat on each other emotionally... and immorally.

The internet can be a very good thing. But... it can be a tool of the devil as well. Rich started talking to other women on the internet. He told those women all the things I longed to hear. I started talking to other men on the internet. Trying to find what I needed my husband to give me. Love, compassion, understanding, acceptance, friendship. Rich and I grew apart in a very big way. We tried talking about our issues... and it always ended up in silence... months and months of complete silence. The only words we spoke to each other were just enough to keep our lives barely afloat. What hurts the most about the whole situation... was the fact that our daughter, Hannah, witnessed and went through the whole thing.

I kept trying to fight for my marriage. Then... I just gave up. I decided to hurt Rich back. This person I was talking to on the internet wanted to meet me. I agreed to pick him up at the airport. The whole time during this situation... my heart and mind "just wanted to get back at Rich". I never had any intentions of cheating physically. ((and I never really ever wanted to hurt Rich... deep down)).

The whole entire way down to the airport... my mind kept telling me..."I should just turn around and go home." But I felt like the atmosphere at home was hopeless. I felt like whatever I said would not be heard. So I kept going. I picked up this awful excuse for a person. I could feel God all around me... his protection. He was probably thinking..."If you are intent on being stupid... then I need to at least keep you from danger." I met this person. Drove around showing him the town. Got a diet coke at McDonald's. Went to a mall. ((staying in very public places)). I kept hearing that everknowing, firm, strong, yet gentle voice of God. He kept asking me... "Is this really what you want?" The entire time my stomach was physically ill. I was sick. My emotions were completely void of existence. My heart was at it's lowest point in my entire life. My soul felt completely empty. Yet I still felt God around me... and all I wanted to do was to get home to my family... that I realized I loved more than I thought I did. I found a glimmer of hope through my stupidity. The person was promptly returned to the airport. It was now time to face what I had done. I went home. My husband... to my surprise... was still there. I thought for sure he would be gone with my daughter.

That night was the hardest night in my entire life. Rich and I talked. Lots of tears... lots of emotions. We decided that we were going to try to make a fresh start.

The place we had such a wonderful time together as a family... before my mother passed away... was Newport, Oregon. As a family... we loved that place. It is, in my mind, the most beautiful place on this entire earth. We collectively decided that I would try to find a job online in Newport. If I could find a job there... we would move there and try to start over. I did alot of praying through this whole time. Rich made a conscious effort to spend less time in chatrooms. And I stopped talking to everyone on the internet.

We were very close, at this time, to losing the mobile home we were buying. We decided to sell it to pay off what we owed on it and to have enough money to rent a uhaul and enough for rent and a new start... IF I could find a job.

Within two weeks... I found a job at a sister facility to where I was working so all I had to do was transfer.... we sold our home... and were in Newport. Truly a work of God... to happen that fast. We lived in Newport for two and a half years. The first year still had a lot of hard feelings and silence in it. Slowly we learned how to have fun together as a family. Slowly we remembered how to love each other. Slowly... but for sure... we came together as a family unit as friends. God is so faithful and so loving and so compassionate... but mostly... he is so forgiving.

James 1:12-18 "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, his is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created."

We moved back to Washington a year ago. To the same town we left. We came back as whole different people. Wiser, more loving, and most of all... we came back home as best friends. I love my husband with all my heart and soul. I regret the circumstances that almost tore us apart. I have asked my family for forgiveness... and I have also forgiven my husband. It feels so good to have the love and companionship that we have found in each other.

There are times when I think about this all with shame and disgust. When those feelings spring up... I ask God for forgiveness... and I thank him for being with me... and for his faith in my family.

When I look at this picture of the lighthouse... I remember the promises that Rich and I made to each other. I remember the love we have for each other. It is kind of like our covenant to each other. Every sunset... even non-coastal sunsets... confirm in my heart and soul that God's love travels deep and pure... and to be touched by just one drop of God's love is to truly be blessed.