Hope Filled Heart...

Is it normal for Christians to feel "out of place" in this world? I have always felt "out of place" for one reason or another. The only place I feel like... I know I am where I belong... is in my heart... where Jesus lives.

Maybe it sounds silly... I don't know. It is just how I feel. I don't have to question things from my heart. I feel out of place in my own body. My heart sees who the "real" me is. I am not hiding anything, mind you. It is hard to describe what I am trying to say.

Perhaps the question would be better as: Is it just me who feels out of place in this world... or is it because I am a Christian that makes me feel out of place in this world? Why am I even bringing the fact that I am a Christian into the question at all? Am I confusing you yet?

Here I am. Suzii. My heart of hearts sees me in a certain way both physically and spiritually. I know... only because it is obvious to the eyes... that I don't portray physically how I see myself. There are times when I catch a glimpse of myself in a window or mirror... and I experience emotions that range from extreme shock to sadness... to disbelief. Spiritually... I am not timid... but I am not as bold in person as I would like to be. Inside... my heart bursts and wants to tell everyone about God and his love for them. Get me around people... and I tend to listen and interject God where I feel it would be accepted in a way that would not be offensive to those who are not ready to know or hear about God. I seem to hold back... when my heart screams out silently.

Feeling like I am not what my inner heart sees me as... makes me feel out of place. Kind of like... "If I could just get to heaven... everything would fit and make sense."

I do not have plans of going to heaven before my allotted time is up... but the thoughts of such a wonderful place... sure makes one's heart... long to feel complete. To live in a place where everything makes sense. To walk in a body that you know is for surely the one you should have. To share freely... without any hesitation... how wonderful God is... and to shout it in worship like normal speech... not having to worry about offending anyone. To finally "feel" like you are truly "home".

Does anyone else feel out of place? Or is it just me? Or is it just because I am a soft, sensitive person who wears her heart on her sleeve that makes me feel that way? ((I cried at that commercial on television a few years ago... it was at Christmas time... it was raining and one soldier was at a phone booth calling home for the holiday... and the operator connected all of his buddies to their families with the same quarter... *sniffle sniffle)) I am a funny person... I love to laugh... and I love to have others laugh around me. I am quiet at times... and some people have asked me "Are you ok?"... during my quiet times... I get absorbed deep into thoughts. I can be a million miles away sometimes... and sometimes as close as right inside my own heart. I can be decorating a cake... and be thinking of what heaven might be like... or what the first thing I would say to Jesus might be. Am I wishy~washy? Maybe. Maybe not. Am I honest? Completely. Is this post making any sense? OR... is my mind rambling around on this keyboard as much as it is inside my head?

I would love to sit in a quiet, dark room. With my bible... and soft quiet piano music playing... talk to Jesus for a while... think for a while longer... and fall asleep... and rest as if I were lying on a bed of angels wings.

I love the following verses... they are so hope filled...

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will - to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisom and understanding. And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment - to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ. In him we were also chosen, haveing been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession - to the praise of his glory." Ephesians 1:3-14

I am feeling a little better than I was on Sunday. When I felt like I could not stand any longer... I stood my ground. I cried my prayers... and I made it through a really bad few days. Today... I did ok. I hold tight to the one thing that I know for sure... the one place that I don't feel "out of place"... my heart... where Jesus is.