What a Heart is...

I was gently nudged by God today... in a forceful kind of way. I left work on my lunch break... determined that I would walk out that front door... go to my car... get in... and drive away never to return. I was ready! I planned out the whole scene in my mind 30 minutes before I ever left for lunch. I worked with a clenched jaw... tightly closed lips... and with a bit of fervor with each movement. I was mad. Some people just need the stupid slapped out of them! Well... I figured it was others that needed the stupid slapped out of them... but when I got to my car and sat down and slammed the door... I was me who "got slapped" for being stupid. I wasn't slapped hard. It was more like I said... a forceful nudge right in the middle of the back of my head.

I turned the key... but it did not go all the way. (Thank God because had I got the dumb thing started... I would have drove away!) The key stopped in the "let's play ya a song Suzii... so we can teach you a lesson" mode. Well... for some reason... my "earlier this morning praise and worship cd" was still in play mode. (Go Figure!) So there I sat... tears welled up in my eyes...ready to crank over the engine and speed uncontrollably out of the parking lot... and I heard the following:



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And there I sat. In the parking lot. Listening... learning... and loving God. You can hear a song a thousand times... and LOVE it!... but the first time you really "hear" it... just drops you in your tracks. I felt as if angels from heaven were singing the song to me. I know that I have shared this song here before... but... I'm gonna do it again... just because!

The song had previously been stopped at this: ..."As the place you're called to labor... seems so small and little known... it is great if God is in it... and He won't forsake His own. Little is much... when God is in it... labor not for wealth or fame... there's a crown and you can win it... If you'll go... in Jesus name. When the conflict here has ended... and our race on earth is won... He will say If you've been faithful... 'Welcome home my child well done.'"

Ok... so picture me in my fit of anger, frustration, and hurt feelings... huffing myself out to the car... ready to take matters in my own hands... only to turn into a sniffling, sobbing, snot flinging, "I love you Jesus" cry baby!"

God is so good. He forcefully nudged me into perspective. As I sat there... pouting... like a child that has been grounded from their favorite toy... I ate my lunch. (With an actual "I'm pouting... and you can't make me stop" look on my face.) I thank God for Him seeing into this situation. He saw beyond my hurt and anger. God saw his opportunity to remind me that HE was the reason I even have that job!

So after I ate... (all the while listening to the rest of my cd)... I decided to make lists of things I liked and didn't like. Trying to put MYSELF into perspective. ((I wonder if God makes up lists like this? Do you think he would put "Suzii's temper tantrum" on his "Things I don't like" list?))

Things I love:

God
My family
My friends
The perfect "colored" cup of coffee on a day off while I am still in my jammies.
Sterling, My dog when he curls up beside me with his paws bent and tucked under him, then he looks up at me, sighs, and falls asleep.
Standing on the shore looking out over the ocean feeling the mist from fog on my face... knowing that "I" am more important to God than a tiny grain of sand.
Acceptance.
To be loved.
Having money so as to not have to worry about NOT having it.
To know I am appreciated.
To make a difference in other's lives.
Rain/Thunderstorms.
Memories I have of my mother.

My favorite TV shows:

CSI Las Vegas
CSI Miami
Crossing Jordan
24
Ghost Whisperer
Survivor
NCIS
Emeril Live
Paula's Home Cookin'
Iron Chef America
(Most any type of cooking competition shows or other cooking shows on the food network)
Extreme Makeover Home Edition
Three Wishes
Over There
(probably not too many more...hopefully)

Things I like to do:

Computers
Cook
Write (should be in the Love to do list)
Think
People watch (like in a mall or department store... I'm not a stalker!)
Swim
Bike rides
Road trips! Yeah! Windows down... Music up! OH YEAH! (LOVE
Watch a sunset on the beach on the Oregon Coast (LOVE)
Anything that has to do with a beach... bonfire... smores... toes in the sand... lighthouses... seagulls... kites... shells... etc etc etc.
Collect sand and dirt from all over the world in antique bottles.
Collect windchimes.
Photography (given the means)
Watch movies/dvd's
Go shopping
Watch big flakes of snow fall silently like big feathers at night in the glow of a street light.
Rake leaves.

Things I don't like (in general)

Satan
Liars
Cheaters
A messy house
My job... periodically... often... more often than often... *sigh*
Being hot... NO WAY... NO HOW!
People who talk on cell phones and drive (scary)

(About myself)

My body
My weight
My hair right now (needs fixin')
PAIN

Things I would love to do someday...

Lose all of my excess weight that seems to be choking the life out of me.
Restore a 1973 Chevy Camaro (my first car...which I don't have anymore).
Complete one of those confidence courses... complete with overcoming fear of heights (so I can climb ladders at work and not have to have a ladder buddy all the time).
Soak in a hot tub EVERY DAY.
Write a book or two or seven.
Own a "real" house...(build my house that I designed that is rolled up on paper in my dresser drawer).
Bring a soul to Jesus... or a thousand.
Hug my mamma again.
Get to heaven.

Looking at my lists... I have noticed that there is not very much that I don't like. I suppose I could always find more things to put on it. Generally I am pretty easy going and like to get along with everyone. I get frustrated easily when I cannot "make peace" in stressful situations. I always feel like I want to "fix" things. Emotional things... heart stuff.

Well... that was my yesterday.

Today... I am requesting some prayer for my husband.

Last night we were watching "Ghost Whisperer". It is about a lady who can "see" spirits who have not crossed over "into the light". She supposedly helps them to say goodbye.. or help their loved ones find closure. Well... last night... the "spirit" was that of a young man who had died in a bicycling accident. Many of his organs were donated. The spirit wanted the lady to help him find out who his heart went to. To see what kind of person had it... if they were a good person... and if they were taking care of it.

Those of you who know me... or have read my blog for a while... know that my husband had a heart transplant 4 years and 4 months ago. His donor was a 16 year old boy named Sam Brown. We have met his grandma. We have a picture of Sam at his prom with his girlfriend that was taken one month before his tragic accident that took his life. The picture is sitting on my entertainment center along with other family picutres. Sam is a part of our family now. His heart... is what keeps my husband, Rich, alive.

It takes alot for Rich to become emotional while watching tv. There have been a few shows that he has watched that he has ended up with "something in his eye". Rich became so emotional during the show last night that he could no longer watch it. He had me record it... and we went to bed.

The comment that was made on the show was this...

The lady had found the heart recipient. She had went to one of his support group meetings. Outside of the meeting she caught up with him and asked him about how he feels about his transplant. She asked him if he felt guilty about someone dying for him to live. That is where Rich could no longer watch.

Before this... when I had first come home... I asked Rich the normal questions... "What have ya been doin' today?" He was really quiet and somber... but he was outside trimming down the roses for winter. He kept trimming and trimming and once in a while would rub his eye as if he "had something in his eye". I knew he was feeling badly about something... and I knew that if I prodded... he would get angry and clam up tight. So I waited... knowing that in a few more moments... he would let me in on his thoughts... even if it came out in only a couple words. Well... this time... it was only one word that explained to me what was going on with him.

"Randy".

Randy was Rich's brother. Randy was born 2 years TO THE DAY after Rich. They shared the same birthday. When Rich was 11 and Randy was 9... a horrible accident happened that took the life of Randy. They were "just looking at the gun".............

Rich was Randy's babysitter that day. He feels responsible for Randy's death. I always tell him that it was an unfortunate accident that just happened. I always tell him that God took Randy back home with him. I always tell him that God knew before you were both born... before you were ever created... what every day of your lives would be. I tell him that God knew that Randy would come back to him on that day. I also tell him that when he (Rich) was saved that night that he "crashed" and went on a ventilator... that Jesus forgave every sin and took every burden away from him.

My husband... I feel... thinks he has the blood of two young lives on his hands. I say he has the blood of Jesus in his heart! He is feeling guilty for being alive... when two others cannot be. He always wonders what the two would be like... or what they would have or could have done with thier lives. I say... "What are you going to do with the life you have been given?" Make it make a difference to someone else. Pay your life forward! Give back what you think you took...(which he didn't take anything). Be thankful for the life you live... feel blessed for what you have been given.

I think Rich hears me... but he is not listening. He really needs Jesus to wrap his arms around him. He needs comfort in his soul. He needs to find his own way to pay honor to the lives he feels he has to carry. He needs to let Jesus carry them... so he can figure out how HE wants to live!

Please pray for Rich. He has been given a second chance to live! Let him know in his soul that the breath he takes in... is God given... and sweet. I know his emotional heart breaks... His physical heart beats... But his spiritual heart needs a great big God hug.