Have You Had Your Ticker Tinkered With Lately?...

Well... things are moving pretty fast. As fast as a heart beat! Since my day of having really bad heart palpitations... I have been in a frenzied whir of "let's get'r fixed" mode. I am not ready to die. I guess when God wants me to stand up and take notice... REAL notice... he tinkers with my ticker to make me stop in my tracks. He is probably thinking... "Ok, Suzii... If you are not going to fix this weight problem on your own... I am going to MAKE you realize that YOU HAVE to do this! No more dinkin' around!"

So with the fear of dying like my 40-some odd year old friend... taken suddenly by a heart attack... My own self goes into the mode. It first starts with all the thoughts. Tears flow out of fear of losing out on the life that I feel like I have not yet had the chance to do all of the things that I want to. Then... denial strikes...and I eat everything I can get my hands on... yet nothing seems to taste as good as it used to... which only makes me miserable. More thoughts flow through my mind.

I converse with myself inwardly. "So... Suzii... what are we going to do about this? I really need to excersice. But I hurt so bad all the time. I miss swimming... maybe I can go swimming. But if I did I would have to swim fully clothed because ain't no one seein' me half nekkid! I would be so humiliated. I cannot stand to be humiliated or teased. I am 36 years old... grow up... don't worry about being teased... you really need to do something and swimming is easier on your bones and joints... and your whole family would enjoy it. Why not spend the time enjoying your life and having fun with your family than sitting around moping about not being able to do anything fun."

~*still conversing with self*~

"Ok... I will try to think about going swimming. I need to find out about my labwork. Why is that other stupid doctor not getting back with me on my labwork. Thank God I am not dead! Have Rich call our doctor and find out about my labwork. Maybe my palpatations are just because I am dehydrated... heart problems scare me. Don't speak your fears out loud... the devil might hear them! So... I need to find out what is going on. I want my heart completely checked out. I want to either know that something is going on and take care of it... or know that nothing is going on so that I do not worry about it anymore. My doctor's nurse calls me with the results of my labwork. It is basically normal... thyroid is normal... electrolytes are normal... blood count is normal... the test that tells about swelling in my joints is slightly elevated which is better than it has been in the past... YaY! Ok... so now I have an appointment for an echocardiogram... that is a colored ultrasound of my heart. This is a good start... and I am glad my doctor knows how important it is for my own self to know and rule out stuff. I don't wanna die like my mamma did... I am not ready to die. I also have a "King of Hearts" monitor being sent to me to record any "events" that might be going on in my heart. This is good... PROOF... of something... or PROOF... of nothing at all. Reassurance... I need reassurance. March 1st I have an appointment with a cardiologist to look over all of the results and let me know what is what. I need to know. I need to take care of this. I do not want to be caught off guard and find myself in heaven on an early arrival ticket. Not that I don't want to go to heaven... because I do... just not yet."

It is not good to worry about your health. It is good to take any and all steps to learn all you can about your body... and what might be going on inside it. Sometimes just having faith about things... cannot ease your mind. I know that might seem faithless... but it's really not. God gives us a mind to make decisions... he gives us opportunities to take control over things that we might have put on the back burner and not cared for. Sometimes we get "nudged" into doing something about a problem instead of just denying that there even is a problem... or even... he opens our eyes when we have chosen to close them in hopes that the problem will just magically disappear. I believe that faith is intermingled with all of our decisions when they are for our good and well being. Just knowing that I am taking an active role in doing something on my own accord before it is too late... gives me a feeling like no other that I can describe.

Today... I will go swimming. For the first time in close to twenty years. I have let myself miss out on one of my favorite activities for TWENTY YEARS. That is way too long. I am not going to spend my next twenty years wishing I had done something different. Our joy in life is found by doing... and doing what is good and right... for ourselves... and for others.

Take charge of your life... start fresh... learn to live... don't be afraid... don't miss out...

I am taking small teeny steps to gaining the life that is promised to me... I am trying daily to renew my own strength in myself to conquer my fears... and I am growing in the knowledge that when my strength fails... God shares His.