I Need Newness...

Well...

My husband made it through his third abdominal surgery. He has been home now since late Sunday night. His healing has been faster because of the way they did the surgery this time. Instead of cutting him down the middle... they did this one laproscopically. He has about six tiny insicions. With him being diabetic... it takes him alot longer to heal... and this way hasn't been quite as bad. He is still in alot of pain. I would show you pictures of his insides and what the gortex patch looks like... but it is not for the faint of heart. When the doctor handed me the pictures... he said... "Here, these are for you." Then he explained what everything was then said... "Tell Rich he can scrapbook with these!"

Thank you all for your prayers and support through this stressful time for us. The doctor was hopeful that this patch would hold and another surgery would not be needed. I pray he is right in this expectation.

Today is the first day of my vacation. Well... I guess it is my vacation. I never saw a schedule that had my days off on it. In order to get a vacation... we have to request it verbally to our assistant manager and department manager at least three weeks in advance. Then... our assistant manager looks at his litte calendar to see if anyone else has requested days off... then... he allows us to enter our request in a computer at work... then we have to wait for him to "finalize" it in the computer... then we have to wait and see if we actually GET the vacation. Well... because the schedule was made before he finalized my request... I got put on the schedule to work this week.

This alone... caused much chaos.

Things are not going well for me at work. My department manager is quite... well... I cannot find the exact word to completely describe her.

I don't want this post to sound complainy... I just need to vent. I need to collect my thoughts... and I need some clarity. If anyone has any fresh... objective insights to lend me on this situation... please... let me know.

Here is my vent... "Let me 'splain somethin to you..."

For me... as an extremely overweight person... when I am at a job... I have always had to do more than what is expected of me... or do it better than what is expected. I have always felt that to be as good at what needs to be done... (or better)...as others... I needed to prove myself. People seem to look at the outside of others first. When they see a fat person... they see someone who "must be lazy"... or "can't possibly do the job". I know this first hand because I live it on a daily basis. It is sad really that alot of people cannot get past first images. I have always had to out-do everyone else... or at least keep up with the good workers... know what I mean?

Well... Since working at Wal*Mart... I have really had to struggle. More so than with any other job I have ever had. For starters... when I first applied and had my interview... I had to tell them that I absolutely cannot get on a ladder. I thought for sure they would not hire me right there. Have you seen the amount of ladders that Wal*Mart has tied up to shelving in that store!?! They have ladders EVERYWHERE! They told me that it would not be a problem that I could not get on a ladder... and if there was something that I needed that was up high... I could ask for help. Whew! I made it past that one. I also told them that I cannot get down on my hands and knees anymore to do cleaning and such... and I joked about it saying that they would have to call 911 to get me back up off of the floor if I did!

I have come to realize that having a sense of humor about being overweight... helps others to over come their uncomfortablilities around us. People really are uncomfortable around fat people. You can tell they don't know what to say... or how to act sometimes. For instance... lately... we had a new hire in the bakery. I was standing in a place that was a walkway taking a cake order and the new lady wanted to get by me with a bakery rack. I just stood there... because I knew that the rack and I would fit in that same space together with room to spare. She just patiently stood there, uncomfortably, waiting for me to move... and not quite sure what to say. I paused from taking my cake order and said... "You can just go right through... my butt and the rack are friends... you won't bump into me." I had to stop and realize that everyone else I work with used to do that too. I had to tell them basically the same thing... now they just barrel on through because they know me.

It has taken me alot of years to become adaptable to skinny people. I have had to "get inside their minds"... so to speak.

Even with the ladder at work... there have been things that I have needed that were up high. I have adapted myself to be able to get those things without having to get on a ladder... or ask for help. There are only a few times that I need assistance with things. I don't want others to think that I cannot do my job. There was one point during my time at Wal*Mart that my department manager and I was in the freezer together... and I was getting stuff off of the top shelf... and she actually told me that she admired me for how I have figured out a way to get things done for myself.

For the longest time... she enjoyed my presence in the bakery. There was alot of laughter and joking and good times. She had cute little nicknames that she called everyone... and we were all happy and work was fun.

(Wow... I have just developed a huge lump in my throat... and alot of tears. I guess things are not quite what they used to be at work... I sure miss the old days)

I am a very sensitive person. I can cry at the drop of a hat. Everyone knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve in a big way. I am beginning to believe that being sensitive will be my downfall at Wal*Mart.

When my department manager gets stressed out... I can feel her tension. I have always felt it... so severely in fact that she has been stressed out... and I have left work in tears. When I admire someone... I tend to overlook things about them that others might seem questionable. For instance, my department manager, is very vocal about the fact that she has been rehabilitated from drug abuse for several years. She has pulled her life together... and has alot of wonderful things going for her in her life. I admire that kind of strength in a person. It takes alot... of "inside" stuff... to turn your life around for the better. All I have ever wanted from her... is her approval of my work... and to be liked and respected for who I am.

No one can ever anticipate illness. When my back and ankle almost disabled me... I had to take time off from work. I did not take time off from work just to have extra time off... know what I mean? There was a point that I could not walk by myself... or get myself out of my own bed. I literally had to have help with everything... and still am not 100%. I worked very hard to get back to work. I came back to work to soon in fact. I have suffered severe pain at work at times... so much so... that the sweat would be rolling off of me for the mere struggle I was enduring just trying to walk from one place to another. But I did it anyway. The best that I could. There were days that I had sobbing tears running down my face as I made it to my car... and I prayed the whole way that I would be able to even get INTO my car once I got there. I did it because... I knew that not only was I causing my family to suffer by not getting a paycheck... I was causing everyone else at work to have to "work around" not having me there.

I don't know about anyone else... but I cannot stand that! I DO NOT LIKE TO HAVE OTHERS REARRANGE THINGS FOR ME! I used to be the person that others would say that I would show up for work on the day of my own funeral. I guess they call that being in the category of having "work ethic".

This year has been a horrible year for me. I have really struggled at times. And now... I feel I am paying for it. My department manager dislikes anyone who cannot "hold their own"... so to speak. I have heard so many derrogatory remarks about others who do not keep up with her expectations. She used to say that one lady that was there... who is no longer with us... that she was the "leader of the village idiots". She talks horrible about other workers when they are not there... yet when they ARE there... she is their buddy.

The other day... I asked if I could TRADE one day with the other cake decorator... so that I could go down to Spokane to be with my husband after his surgery. I had told her that he had had a really bad night the night before... and that his medications were not working properly. In front of everyone... she very loudly told me that she was tired of changing EVERYONE'S schedule around for ME and that she was NOT going to do it again! I told her to forget that I asked and that it was fine... that I did not want to cause trouble and I would figure something else out. To make a long story short... she wasn't going to have to change EVERYONE'S schedule... and the lady that I wanted to trade with was MORE THAN HAPPY to switch days with me. Well... pardon my french.. but that pissed my dept. manager off.

Ever since my leave of absence (which my back problem was not even work related)... I have been the new leader of the village idiots. She has subtly let me know that she has a problem with my health... and my weight... and at times has told me so. She got mad at me for asking about my vacation... because SHE forgot that she was not suppose to schedule me for this week... because the assistant manager finalized my request AFTER she made it. Well... that doesn't seem like that is my fault. I had answered the phone at work... and it was a co-worker that wanted to talk to her... so I gave the phone to her and went about my work. I actually heard her say... very loudly I might add... "Yeah... I have to change the schedule again for Suzii AGAIN.. for her vacation".

Yesterday, her and I were in the freezer at the same time, she started talking to me about this 720 pound person that she saw on TV that had went to a rehab place and ended up dying. I was very uncomfortable while she was talking about this... I started to get teary... but I didn't let her see it.

Then, when she and I were out of the freezer, she started talking about the same TV show with everyone else. The only thing that was running through my mind was... "Why won't she stop. Doesn't she know how upset she is making me? I want to cry. Can they know that possibly... just possibly... this is making me feel bad?"

She nit-picked at everything yesterday. I try so hard to make sure I do everything right... so that she won't pick on me for something. I figure if I can keep her happy with my work... maybe she won't get on me for something. Well... she always finds something. Yesterday... she let me know that I had left a few crumbs on the floor... because I had scrubbed my floor too early... and the night closer... who is supposed to do the floor again anyways... had to sweep up the few crumbs... so would I please make sure ALL of my crumbs are swept before I go. How trivial is that? The closing girl... probably just didn't want to have to do the floor again... and she is the type that loves to cause trouble for others. (I had maybe fifteen crumbs... tiny ones... I COUNTED THEM!)

I cannot work like that anymore. I cannot be her stress reliever. I am not a village idiot. I love the actual work I do in the bakery... but I cannot work under her anymore. I can just imagine the things she says about me when I am gone. I know it happens... because it happens about everyone else when THEY are gone. I honestly try my hardest to do my own work... and never ask for help. I feel I am being treated unfairly by this woman. She is the kind that always seems to need someone to pick on... TAG SUZII... YOU'RE IT!

I have so much I could hold against her if I were to go to management. Like the fact that she has a horrible "potty mouth". She calls people horrible names. But... that is all be like... her word against mine.

I don't know what to do. I need a full time job to keep my family from being homeless. I need newness. I feel so horrible.

As I wrote in an email to my friend this morning...

"So... I am in need of prayer for the right thing to do... And the proper way to say it and do it. I am tired of coming home in tears... And the stress from it is causing me some severe physical problems that I don't want anymore.

My heart wants newness. I feel so old and scraggly and ugly. I feel used and unappreciated. I feel like it is time for a huge and drastic change... But I don't know what yet. I want newness! I want a new place to live... I want a new body... I want a new job... I want new....different....something... Anything.... That will make me feel alive again."

Any Suggestions? What would Jesus do? This is my vacation... I guess. It is Springtime. It is suppose to be the season of newness.