...Make Straight Your Way Before Me...

It is hard to look down the road of our lives to see what may be yet to come. It is easier to look back on what we have done in the past... and what we may have accomplished in life so far. I get so tired of looking behind me all the time. I have based who I am today... on who I have been in the past. I don't like some of what I have been. I don't like some of the things I have done. I don't like parts of who I am today.

I don't want to keep looking behind me to see where I am going... I will probably end up tripping over a rock somewhere. I have already ran into huge obstacles that I have kept a blind eye to. Am I making any sense? I don't know.

What I do know is this... I used to be a strong person.

I used to be able to just DO anything that needed done. When times are tough... I just go into survival mode and do anything and everything I need to to get by... that... I can still do... but only by the grace of God.

Why do I have to be in survival mode to be that way? Why can't I just give all things to God? Why is it so hard for me to keep myself refreshed in the Lord?

I let the things of this world get to me so much. I am a million times more sensitive about things than I ever used to be. Don't get me wrong... I have always tried to be a sensitive and caring person. That has never changed about me. But more recently... I have felt like my soul is exposed for everyone to take stabs at. Every tiny little comment that is made... I take the wrong way... and I take it personally... and it hurts. I used to be stronger than that.

At work... I feel like I will never be able to do anything to please "those who are supposed to matter". At home... I feel like I let my family down... out of my lack of physical ability to do all of the things that I know need to be done... be it fun... housework... whatever.

Personally... I have really let myself down.

My inner self cries alot. Not tears of self pity... but tears of... "What have you done to Suzii?" I am not who I am supposed to be... the "Me"... that I know is inside me. I don't feel as though I am close enough to God. I don't feel like I have treated myself physically... like I should treat myself. I am almost ashamed of who I am today.

I never expected to journey down the roads we have traveled down in life so far. And... I can't really see what lies ahead. I frustrated my husband, Rich, today. We got a community college pamphlet in the mail today. I told him that maybe in the fall... if all things worked out for it... to take some classes with Hannah when she goes. He basically said... "Here we go again... are you ever going to be happy in anything you do?"

The only thing that will make me happy... is to finish the books I have wanted to write... provide for my family beyond just "getting by"... and become the person physically, emotionally, and spiritually that I know God wants me to be.

What's it going to take to get there?
So far I have no clue.

I made a promise to my mother before she died... and I haven't even been able to keep that.


Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil; with you the wicked cannot dwell. The arrogant cannot stand in your presence; you hate all who do wrong. You destroy those who tell lies; bloodthirsty and deceitful men the Lord abhors.

But I, by your great mercy, will come into your house; in reverence will I bow down toward your holy temple. Lead me, O Lord, in your righteousness because of my enemies - make straight your way before me. ...

...Let all who take refuge in be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield. ~Psalm 5:1-8 & 11-12