"Determination"

Update to this post (Sept. 7, 2006)... God and I talked quite a bit... I will always ask Him for His strength... He also gently reminded me that with Him... ALL things are possible.

I was at the end of my rope last night. I sobbed from my gut. I cried to God... and told him that I am not going to ask for his strength any more. I told him that I figured that He probably sat up there in heaven and kept thinking... "It's your own fault that you are the way you are... what am I supposed to do if you don't do anything to help?" I told him that I figured that He probably thought... "How am I supposed to heal you... if you keep eating more stuff that makes you bigger... it can't help the healing process." I told him that I believed that He is the ultimate healer... and that I have begged for so long for a complete healing in my body... but that I was not going to ask anymore... because I am tired of the devil telling me... "See... your God can't heal you... because you are still hurting... aren't you?" I am tired of the devil taunting me and telling me that my God obviously doesn't have wonderful things in store for my life... how could he?... blah blah blah blah blah.............. I am sick of the devil's lies. I am sick of the thoughts against God that the devil puts in my head. So maybe... if I don't ask God and beg him anymore... maybe the devil will lay off and keep away from clouding up my heart.

Yep... I am hurting. Physically, my body feels like perhaps my doctor has misdiagnosed me... surely I should be in a hospital somewhere. Isn't that where they put people to get better? I cannot feel the keyboard to type. All of my fingers are numb... and the pain going up to each shoulder is intense... kind of feels like someone is holding a flamming torch across my skin that radiates all the way down to the bones inside.

Last night, I came home from working a 12 hour shift. I had to do my original job... then after that, because we are so short handed at work... and the cake decorator is on vacation... I had to do her job for several hours after I did my job. I hurt so bad. How do I explain to those around me that they don't realize that each step I took... felt like was going to be my last. My bulging disc that I have in my back was pinching off the nerves to both of my legs... the skin of my legs felt numb when I touched them. It caused my hip to feel like it was going to explode inside my body with each step I took... and just standing in one place. My knees popped and cracked with each step... I could audibly hear them... and had someone been standing next to me... they could have heard it too. My ankles were swollen so bad... they stuck out about an inch over the tops of my shoes. I could have dropped to the floor and screamed in agony. But I didn't... and I won't. I just suck it up and keep on going. Sometimes the pain is so intense... intense isn't a good enough word for it. My daughter has to help me out of the car sometimes. I have to hang on to her shoulders to make it to my front porch steps. I have to use the rail to pull myself up the mountainous 4 steps into my house. Someone that hurts as bad as me... feels like they should be dying... in an intensive care unit.

Do you think I am complaining? I am not. I am explaining.

Why am I explaining this on here? I am about to tell you why.

There is this man at work... he works in a different department in the store than I do... but his locker is right above mine to the right a little. He is the type of guy that thinks he is God's gift to women. His hair is always just right... his clothes... etc etc etc. When I first started working there... he and this tiny little blonde, perfectly petite, counterpart... (whose locker is on the other side with mine in the middle)... they were talking about "working out... dieting... etc." They both seemed extremely stuck up and severely narsisisstic... and I thought... "Oh God... why me? Why do I have to be stuck between these two?" So... that was my first impression of the guy. He always flirts with the other women... just kinda makes me sick.

He had never talked to me other than just "hi" at the lockers... gotta follow the Walmart "10 foot rule" smile and say hi. Almost two years working like that. Then... one evening... I was working a late shift. There we were... by the lockers again. I had brought a shopping cart back with me to the time clock because I was going shopping after work. I had parked it in his way. I said... "Oh, I'm sorry... let me move that out of your way." He said "Oh.... that's ok." Then he did whatever he needed to do at his locker... but then kind of lingered there. He kind of looked like he wanted to talk to me about something but wasn't sure how to. He kind of hem-hawed around. I came back from the time clock which is across the hall from the lockers... and I was limping just a little bit. I felt kind of uneasy... but I asked him... "Is everything ok?"

Well... when you open the door to conversation.... it really opens. He asked me "Can I ask you something personal?" I said, "Sure." He wanted to know how I get around so well... and not even seem to get out of breath. I thought for a little bit and the only thing I could think of was... "Determination." I told him that I had to make it every day... my family depends on me working to survive. Then I asked him why he wanted to know. He then said that he has a family member that is heavy... and she can't hardly walk at all without not being able to catch her breath. He asked if I had ever thought of having to become disabled. I told him... yes... when my back problems first started... I actually thought I was going to become disabled. But slowly I worked my way back from medical leave and took it really slow. I told him I take medications still... just to be able to function for pain management. I told him that I try to hold my head high and do the best I can every day. I also told him that there are days... that aren't as good as others... and I feel like crying as I leave the store at the end of my day.

He told me about his family member... (that I knew was his wife, because I have seen them together before)... that she was denied for disability. I told him about us having to fight for my husband's disability. I told him that I had to get all of his medical records and actually write to our congressman to get disability to change thier minds. I told him that if it is what she needs... to fight for it. I told him that I would help him/her if they needed it... to write letters or whatever.

He asked me about if I had ever thought of getting gastric bypass surgery. I laughed and told him... "yep... every day.... and I would be the first one to get in line for it if they offered it." I then told him... that obviously it is not for me... or it would be easier and less expensive... and I wouldn't have to fight insurance for it. He told me that his family member wants to have it done... NEEDS to have it done.

Our conversation was coming to an end... and he thanked me for talking with him about it. Then he said something to me that gave my heart wings. He told me that he thought very highly of me and thought that what I do and how I get around is very commendable.

It really put my first impression of him in a whole new light. My heart felt so light leaving the store that day. My pain... the stuff I was going through... and the dignity I have in myself... made a difference in someone else's life.

I really don't want to be heavy with medical issues for the rest of my life. I watched my mama die... and when she was living... I watched her in pain... I watched her struggle to get around... I saw her persevere every day of her life. I was always so proud of her for what she could do with what she had as far as her strength that came from within. I guess I inherited her inner strength.

So... the man at the locker... won't ever really know how bad I struggle every day... but I do hope that he notices that I keep smiling... even when I feel like crying.

I put my issues in God's hands. I am tired of feeling like I have to beg. I am tired of praying every day... for the same thing... and I bet God is tired of hearing it.

I will just be determined to do the best I can every day... and hopefully be an inspiration to someone else along the way... and maybe someday... I will wake up and notice a whole new me when I glance in the mirror.

We deal with what we deal with every day... don't we? I know God still loves me.