Almost Lost.... But NEVER Forgotten Memories....

When I was a teenager... my Grampy came to live with us. It was during the year that my brothers lived with my dad and his wife. I do believe that I was 15 or 16.

My Grampy was a full blooded German man. He came to America and as the family story goes... He crossed the United States in a covered wagon as a young child to land in California. Knowing my Grampy... He probably had "Gold Rush Fever" as a young man! He was always collecting things that might have value. He saw dollar signs in an old rusty tool! He had a collection of them that he would take from swap meet to swap meet. He would empty out his old VW Bus of all the old rusty collection... and lay them all out on the parking lot asphalt in the hot California sun. I can still see him wearing his blue jean bib overalls with one of those old coin holders attached to his a belt around his waist. I remember always wanting to play with that coin holder! ( I never did get to )


His back yard was a collection of scrap metal heaped up to one side by the fence just beyond the huge apricot tree. Under the apricot tree... were the bunnies that we were allowed to name and play with. Across the other side of the yard were the chicken coups. They were stinky. Unknown to us kids... they would be dinner in a few months or so... bunnies and chickens. I remember one day I went to my Grammy and Grampy's house for a visit. I was about 5. I ran through the front door and hugged my Grammy and asked her where Grampy was. She had told me that he was out back. Excited... I ran out the back door... with my Grammy running after me yelling... "Don't go out there yet!" ... But I kept on going through the door. One time I wish I would have slowed down and listened. I flung open the back screen door and forever burned in my memory was my Grampy... walking up the back yard... in his bib blue jean overalls... carrying dead bunnies... that were dripping with blood. I screamed at him! I couldn't forgive him! He killed our bunnies! I ran into my Grammy's bedroom crying and sobbing. I buried my face into the soft pillows. My heart was broken. My Grampy tried to come in and comfort me... but I remember kicking at him... and not wanting anything to do wtih him. I loved my Grampy with all my heart... and I never forgave him as a child. He was different to me after that. I can't explain a child's mind.

When he came to live with us... I loved having him there. My Grammy had been gone for several years. I had a hard time getting to know him again. He was old and crotchety. He was very grumpy and had become kind of mean. As a teenager... I could not understand why he was that way... now I realize he had some dementia from old age going on. He had been misused and abused by people in Southern California who would break into his home and beat him up and rob him blind. There was no one there to help him out. He became hard and cold towards people... very untrusting. He used to call my cousin and I terrible names in Spanish... thinking we would not know what they meant. He also used to hit at us from his chair with his cane. We learned to walk a large circle around the chair as to not get swatted at. But there were still rare moments that he was loving and kind.

I remember he started to get really sick. What ended up being kidney failure. I... being extremely sentimental... found a bunch of pictures of all of us grandkids. I made a collage of them all and glued them to a piece of cardboard. I put it in a picture frame and set it by his bed. I told him that they would remind him of all the special times we had as small kids with him. He looked at it every day. I would walk by his room to get to mine... and sometimes I would see him holding it. He would put it down real quick if he saw me seeing him!

After my Grampy died.... I had horrible nightmares... every night for about a month or so. My Grampy was the first dead person I had ever seen. I had a hard time going up to the casket. I told my mom I wanted to go... but that I was afraid. She went with me... and I looked really quick and had to leave. My mom had his corneas donated... and the mortician never put anything under his eyelids to make them look normal. His eye socket area was all bruised and purple looking. The mortician also did not put in his false teeth... which caused his cheeks to be all hollow and sunken in. It was a very bad viewing. My nightmare was... I would be in a dark room with his casket. I would walk up to it... look in... and see my Grampy with black hollow eyes and his mouth dark and open... and as soon as I got to his side... he would sit up and reach out for me.

I never got to tell my Grampy how much I loved him.

Last night... I had a dream about him. The first time in years and years. I dreamed that he knew he was going to die... and he wanted to spend time with the people he loved. He went for walks with me and we talked about all kinds of things. Each day he was sicker and sicker. It had snowed outside and he was excited about the snow. He begged me to take him for a walk outside in the snow once before he died. I was in such a hurry to take him for a walk... I could not find my shoes... so I went outside with him... in the snow... barefoot. We walked around for a little while... and the last thing I asked him was... "What did you think of me when I was first born?" He never answered my question... and he slumped over in my arms... and I remember holding him as he passed away... outside... barefoot in the snow.

When I woke up this morning from that dream... I had floods of memories come back to me. I remembered how he used to sing to us as kids. He would put us on his knee and sing some sort of "dee deedle deedle deedle deedle dee" song... then he would stick his false teeth out at us and make us laugh. He did love us. What is even better yet... I have always loved him.

Later on this afternoon... I was scanning the pictures for the previous post titled "Reflections..." I took my Mama's picture out of the frame. Hannah asked me... "What's all those other pictures behind that one?" I looked... and there was a picture of my twin brothers when they were about 5 years old. And... behind that picture... was the collage picture that I had made for my Grampy so many years ago. I sincerely thought that the collage was lost forever. I had no clue where it had gone to. I had searched through my Mama's things after she passed away... I could not find it anywhere... so I had given it up for lost.

I cried this morning... finding it... after all these years... and after my dream last night. It was with me all the time... hanging on the wall... in plain sight... just hidden behind another picture.

It seems like there are alot of things in life that are in plain sight... yet we cannot find them. Some people are searching and searching for the good things in life... and if they just took a good look around them... they would find them. It may take years... but it can be found. I can reckon that one's soul...searching for God... might seem that way too. He is right there... all around you... but maybe He is hidden by something that is keeping you from finding him. It doesn't take much to find him. He is easier to find that that collage of pictures that I thought was lost forever. Like my Grampy's love... God's love is so great! It breaks through any barriers of space and time... and seeks out the very depths of your heart. God wants to love us! We are His children! And... God gives us special people in our lives... to love us... nurture us... care for us. Love lasts beyond eternity. It is the one intangible thing that can be touched.