Like A Babbling Brook...

I am in an odd state of mind today. And yesterday for that matter. I saw a commercial on t.v. for "locks of love"... you know... the place that takes hair that has been cut and makes wigs for children who have lost their hair because of cancer. Well... yesterday... I wanted to go and get my head all shaved off. All of my hair would surely help a child somewhere... and it grows so fast. Well... I did not do it. Had the people with the scissors been here at my house yesterday... I would have. I could see myself walking into work with my bald head held high... with a huge smile on my face.

Then... last night... I had a dream I was talking on the phone to an old friend whom I have not talked to in a long time. I remember not wanting to hang up with them... it was good to hear their voice... very comforting and reassuring. I actually got up during the dream... went to the bathroom... and when I fell back asleep again... I continued the phone conversation. When I woke up... I wondered about that person all day long. I thought about what they might be doing... they were on my mind all day... and still are. I think I will pray for them. I have had dreams like this before. They usually involve people that I care for a great deal.

I have been thinking alot lately about my life. Where I want it to go... but what would happen if things didn't work out the way I hope. How would I handle situations... what would I say... how would I act. Sometimes I wonder if people acutally realize how deep into thought I am... just doing an ordinary task. Am I nuts? Do other people's brains work like mine? I am not kidding you... I can live a whole lifetime of situations just in a days worth of thoughts. Why? Why do I do that?

A girl that I work with today said something... we were talking about someone I know that left their husband for another man. She said that she would never leave her husband... but she had said that about her first boyfriend whom she had a child with. I had told her that my husband was my first everything... the only one I have ever been with. I told her that I have had other man friends in my life that I love dearly... with all my heart... but none in a relationship other than friendship. She acted like she could not comprehend that concept... then she said... "I wish I could say that about myself." Why does that make me feel like an oddball? She doesn't understand the concept of being able to deeply love others with all your heart. I guess I thought that people just do that naturally. I come from a very loving family. We had our problems... but there was love... and I was taught to love others if they meant something special in your life.

So... I am in a strange state of mind. Wondering if I am not getting something that I am supposed to understand. Is it that I have led a sheltered life and have a really good imagination... or is it that I am scared of what might happen to my future so I try to role play in my mind "what would happen if?"

I seem to have alot on my mind lately... and no place to put it... so I will babble here for a while.

Half of the time... I probably only make sense to myself. Which is probably a good thing. I know one thing for sure... I miss having good conversations with people. There is enough small talk in my day to choke a horse. I used to talk to my mom... about the "deep" things in life... we talked all the time. I wanted to bury her with a phone... but didn't. I miss her. I miss my friend in Washington. I miss my past. I miss the old me that I used to be when I was younger... and I really don't like alot of what I have had to go through in life... but I did it all because I had to... and chose to.

How do we reacapture pieces of life that might have been?... or that was? Yes... memories are good... but... when we are taken from the places we know... and the normalcy of all things comfortable... can we ever get to where we want to be? All of these questions make sense to me... yet I have no real understanding... or comfort in having them float around in my mind.

Maybe I am just bored.