Seek... and You Really Shall Find It....

Once again this year... the wonder of Christmas spirit fell heavy on my heart.

For me... that warm and fuzzy feeling doesn't come from "Black Friday"... It doesn't come from beating the old lady out of the cheapest pair of socks at the department store... it doesn't come from getting the last computer during the 5 hour mad blast sale that only really lasts 10 minutes.

It does not come from putting up a Christmas tree... it doesn't come from the twinkly lights and stuff hanging from it's branches. Even though in my house... each ornament is special... some I have from when I was a child... some from when my brothers were little... some from when my daughter was a baby... I even have a few old crayon icicles left that my Mama made us when we didn't have enough money to buy ornaments. One year... close to when my Mama passed away... I did cry when I found those crayons... two pieces of red yarn were taped to each side of the crayon and tied in a bow about two inches from the top of the crayon. Out of a box of 24... through the years... I only managed to end up with about 4 or 5. Still tied in bows by my Mama's own hands... still hanging on my tree like little colored icicles... symbolizing happiness during sometimes not so happy times. (I think a couple of them got colored with... the tips are not as sharp!)

Working in a store as a cake decorator... kind of takes the fun out of holidays. Holidays in a bakery are alot of hard work! If you have never worked in one... you would never understand it... but it can get absolutely crazy! You would be surprised how many little old ladies come in and say... "I need to order some of my homemade holiday bread... so my family won't be upset that I forgot to bake it!"

I always wonder where I will get my Christmas spirit from. Don't get my wrong... I love the lights and the baked goods and seeing a beautifully wrapped gift waiting anxiously for it's intended new owner to give it a little shake before tearing it open! But... I refuse to let myself forget what the true meaning of Christmas is.

Christmas is meant for celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ... my savior! And how does one get a warm and fuzzy feeling from anything other than something that comes from the Lord?

Every year it happens. I wonder what will happen to make me find that feeling. You know the feeling I am talking about... and if you don't... I pray some day you do find it! It is the feeling that comes over you when something special happens to make you realize that God is wonderful and he has blessed you beyond any monetary amounts in any bank account. You could be the poorest person in the world... and still be richly blessed by his love.

I noticed more about myself and having difficulty finding the Christmas spirit after my Mama passed away. It has been alot harder to find joy in material things since not having her around to give a hug to. She is not gone from my life. I feel her presence in my heart and mind every single minute of every single day... but to know that her physicalness is no longer here to call up and just say Hi to... is hard.

My daughter, Hannah, knows all about my dilemma during this time of year. For me it is a big deal. What happens if the big day... December 25th rolls around some time... and I still have not had that feeling? Something will be desperately wrong! I equate it to eagerly seeking out God with all my heart and soul... because He is the reason to give joy for the holiday!

Hannah always asks me when something Christmasey happens... "Did you find it yet mom?" Usually my reply is... "Not yet... but you will know when I do." This year... being in our new place here in a new state... has been strange... less strange I guess than just being unfamiliar. So... we put up our tree... Hannah said... "Did you find it yet?" "Nope" She bought all new colored icicle lights and put them up on our porch... "Did you find it yet?" "Nope"..... I tell her all the time that it takes something special... and I can't just make myself find it. I never know where it will be coming from.

One year... it was on January 4th. Rich had almost died on Christmas eve in 1996 from congestive heart failure. ALMOST died. God wasn't ready for him yet. Hannah was at my mom's house. She was about 8 years old. I went down to the hospital to get him... but she did not know it yet. She thought he was still in the hospital. She knew we were waiting to have Christmas when her daddy got home. She wanted a bike so bad that year... so waiting... was hard. We hid the bike 15 miles away at a friends house... so she had no clue. Anyways... I had gone down to the hospital to get him. I took him home and turned on the Christmas tree lights. I got him all settled in on the end of the couch that was kind of hidden by the tree when you first walked in the door. Then... I went to my mom's and picked her up. She was tired and it was late... so I told her to go in and get in her jammies and get ready for bed and we would go to the hospital the next day to see if daddy could come home yet. Before I had gone to get him...earlier in the day I had gone to get her bike. I put her bike up in the kitchen with a big bow on it. She walked through the door... looked at the tree and said something about wishing daddy would come home so we could have Christmas with him. She walked right past the tree and headed toward her room. Then from behind the tree... Rich said his famous... "Ho Ho Ho... Merry Christmas!"

The look in her eyes... and the love in that room that cold January 4th night... was the Christmas spirit.

Another year it was on December 8th that I found it. We had just moved to Newport Oregon. I had not seen my twin brothers since my Mama's funeral. Chris had some leave time from the military and he and Don decided to spend some time with me and my family. They only had one day... basically about 24 hours. Don had brought his new wife Jessica whom we had not met yet. It was truly one of the best days of my life! They spent the night... we made the ultimately best vegetarian spaghetti ever... and spent some time on the beach the next day after having breakfast together. I will hold that day in my heart for as long as I live. I have not seen my brothers since then.

This year I wondered and watched and waited to see what would make my Christmas spirit come. It came from somewhere I would have never expected it. That's what makes me love finding it so much! I was at work. I was decorating a white cake with peachy colored roses. We have a group of mentally challenged adults that come in once in a while with their caregiver. They always come back to the bakery to get one of our free cookies that we hand out to the kids. We had iced Christmas trees to hand out that day. I said... "Wow! We have Christmas trees today!" Their eyes got so excited and they clapped their hands and were so happy they were getting special cookies. There was only two men that had come with the caregiver this day. Usually there are about 5 or 6 men and women. I gave them their cookies and they said "Thank you!"

The one man there always asks if Brittany is working. He thinks that Whitney is Brittany. I smiled and said that Whitney was in the back working hard. He said... "Brittany is working hard." Then he said to my other co worker... "You are Mary right?" She smiled at me. I said... "Her name is Donna." He said... "Donna! That's right... Donna!" Then he asked me... "Is your name Brittany?" I said... "No... my name is Suzii" He said... "Suzii" His caregiver said... "Come watch and see what she is doing to this cake... watch... she is going to make a flower out of icing." He came over and was watching from the other side of the glass. I made each rose and then showed him them before I took them off of the rose nail... then I showed him how I cut it off the nail with scissors... and then put it on the cake. Then I turned the cake around and showed it to him. He stood there like a fascinated child... eating his Christmas cookie... and watching in amazement.

Then it happened. I did not expect it. And it brought me to tears. I started to make another rose... and he said... "My mom used to do that" I said... "She did? Your mom used to make cakes?" He said... "My mom used to do that... but she's in heaven now."

I instantly got chills all over my body... yet my heart felt warm just like it had been hugged.

I looked up from my rose and said..."So is mine! My mama's in heaven too!" I had a lump in my throat... I was going to tell him that my Mama used to make cakes too... but I could not talk. I had tears welling up in my eyes and I smiled at the caregiver. She said to them... "Let's go and we will come back again to watch sometime." I heard him tell her as they walked away... "My mom used to do that."

My Christmas spirit was especially warming in my heart this year. I will never forget. I have such a heart for people who are mentally challenged... they are so strong to live life and just be who they are. They have no choice in the matter. Some... like little children in a grown up body... whose excitement for the day might come from the trip to the local grocery store for a free cookie. I wonder if they know that they have touched my soul?