Where Is What You're Looking For?

It's kind of funny how when I am searching for something... it is usually right where I have looked a gozillian times. I have actually seen it... looked right at it... and passed right over it because my brain did not connect that it was actually there. Perhaps you have done it too. Looking for the car keys... or maybe a pair of sunglasses... in a hurry to get out the door for work... and there the keys lay... right in front of your face on the table... and the sunglasses are on your head. Yet we cannot see the things we search for because our mind is worried about being late. Our brains are in frantic mode trying to hurry to get to the destination.

That's how I have been lately with my relationship with Jesus. I feel like I have been frantically searching for him everywhere. Almost like looking around everywhere with my eyes closed. Something inside me was saying... "I have got to find him... I have got to hurry... before I am too late... "

I had to literally stop.
To find him.

I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 5 years old. I have known of him all my life. I was taught about God... "the heavenly father"... Jesus... who is God's son... and the Holy Spirit... and all of the wonderful things in the bible since I was very little. I feel like there has never been a time in my life that I have not known. Yet... here I was... stumbling around... looking for something that is right here inside me. In my soul. In my heart. My mind was busy scurrying around... not slowing down enough to realize that the voice inside my heart was saying..."Slow down... Suzii... It's me... Jesus... I am right here."

Today... I slowed down. Today I heard. Today... I am listening. Today... I will not stop listening.

I was thinking about all of the things I have learned about Jesus during the years in my life. I knew what kind of friend he could be when I was alone and friendless in school. I knew what kind of comforter he was when my family was falling apart during my parents divorce. I knew what kind of protector he was for my brothers and I when we spent some time in foster care for a short time. I knew what kind of giver he was when we always had something to eat... we never went without a meal... and a little bit of money always seemed to stretch so far. I knew what kind of healer he was when he was healing up the open wound in my Mama's left side where they took her cancer filled kidney from... even though her body was dying on the inside from the cancer... he showed me the miracle of healing. Her wound healed completely before she died. Don't ask me... "Well... if he is such a great healer... why didn't your Mama get healed of cancer?" Don't ask me that. I have asked that question more than enough times myself. Know what my answer is? It has taken me alot of years to find the answer to that one. I was shown an awesome miracle in her death. Not just in the healing of her skin... while she was yet dying. I felt what it was like to fight for someone else so hard to keep them alive. I was fighting in my soul to keep her alive. I knew Jesus was there the day she died. Call me crazy if you want to... but he was there. As the doctors brought the crash cart in... I saw the nurse climb up on the bed with my mom to give her C.P.R.... and I felt... through all of the chaotic pain of tears and breakage of my heart... I felt Jesus. My Mama was ready to go be with Jesus. I felt her want to go. I felt the urgency in which she wanted to go. I felt Jesus waiting there to take her with him to heaven. It was odd to have all of this going on in my soul while everything was going on in her ICU bed. Sitting in that room that they reserve for family... my husband, daughter, and cousin were there...(the only ones I remember being there)... I finally said out loud... "Jesus... take my Mama in your arms and take her home with you!" I immediately felt her soul leave and felt such an awesome peace. A kind of peace that is indescribable. Just as she left... the nurse stopped C.P.R. It all happened at the same time. Then the doctor came in and told me she was gone. But I already knew. I also knew Jesus was my support when my husband needed a new heart. He became my energy to keep going. There are times I cannot tell you how I got from point A to point B... I just know that I had made it. Jesus was there also when Rich and I decided to save our marriage... that we were worth saving. Jesus was there when we made the decision to pack up and leave the west coast to live here closer to Rich's mom. I know he was there... He is right here... in my heart. He has been there when I needed a job... and he knew we needed a place to live.

He still provides... He still protects... He still comforts... He still guides... He is still my friend.

He is still there... even when my mind cannot see him. I have been too busy to stop and realize. I have been hurrying too fast to try and get to the "destination". I will never make it to the place God intends for me to be spiritually, physically, and financially without Jesus. I know that there are many blessings in store for my family and I.

The bible says.. in Ephesians 4:14-19 "For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Those are the blessings I seek. To be "filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

~*~

When I hear the voice of the Lord... It is like a clap of thunder that whispers. When I seek the face of the Lord... It is like seeing an old friend again for the first time. When I search my soul... I find Jesus... in my heart... my friend... my protector... my provider... my comforter... my savior.

~*~

When things go wrong in my life... it is my own fault. I try to do things on my own. If I were just to follow God's will for my life... instead of being stubborn... I might get a lot farther along with the things I know I should be doing. God leaves me little hints along the way. Usually I am too busy to "get it". There are somethings in life that we need help with. Obedience to buckle down and do what I am supposed to do... instead of what I WANT to do... is the big thing I need help with. The task before me is going to be quite an undertaking. I have to "kill my giant"... BEFORE... I can have victory. I was trying to have the victory party first. I have been trying to ignore the giant... but he doesn't seem to go away.

~*~

If I let Jesus in on it... instead of searching around blindly... perhaps I will find what I have been searching for all these years. After all... he has been there with me through it all... and he is still here with me now. In Deuteronomy 31:8 it says... "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

I know that those words were not spoken directly to me in the bible... but I believe that the bible is full of life for us today. I believe that the words spoken so many years ago are still alive and hold strength for us to live our daily lives by. I believe that the bible... God's Word... holds many promises and blessings for us if we just seek them out.

There sat my bible... right by my bed. Right in front of my eyes. I had to just stop and look. I have looked around in alot of other places lately to find what was sitting right there on the table.