I need a hug...

(I believe this picture is from the comic strip Calvin and Hobbs...I found it online)


Things have been a little stressful here the past couple of days... well... this past week... I should say. Monday started out a normal day. Rich had a doctor's appointment... normal checkup to see how his new insulin was working for him. No biggie. We decided that after the appointment we would go to the fitness center... which we did.



Tuesday... Rich noticed he had a big, red... and slightly feverish patch of skin on his abdominal area. It hurt a little bit... but he figured that he had just done something to it at the fitness center the previous day and didn't realize it.



Wednesday... Rich noticed the patch of redness getting quite large. It was even more sore... and it was starting to worry ME a little more than it was worrying him. See... since he is on anit-rejection medication to keep from rejecting his heart transplant... his medications keep his immune system lowered. He really doesn't have a very good chance of getting rid of any kind of infection very well on his own. That night... I drew a circle around the outer edges with an ink pen... and I told him that if it got bigger by morning that I was calling the doctor. He finally agreed.



Thursday was my day off. His redness was even bigger... by a few inches all the way around where I had circled. The doctor agreed to see him if we were able to be there by 5pm. The doctor took one look at it and said that he needed to be admitted right away to the hospital. They got him started on 3 very powerful IV antibiotics. They took cultures of it to see what it is. Rich should know tomorrow what the infection is. The doctor that took the cultures said that "something" is growing in the blood sample that he took... but he doesn't know what it is yet until tomorrow. He did seem to rule out a couple of scary things... PRAISE GOD! He did tell Rich that if he had waited one more day to call the doctor... that the course of action that they would be taking would be a whole new ball game because it would have gone into his blood stream...and possibly affecting his heart.



I am still worried about all of this. I know that the bible says we should not worrry... but it is really hard not to. Life is so fragile. The joy of living is precious... as opposed to dealing with horrible sickness.



I used to be alot stronger than I am now... emotionally. Or... maybe I am strong still... and am just worn out from one thing after another.



I know that I have Hannah... my daughter. She is a good source of support and humor. We rely on each other when Rich gets sick. We have had to for the past 11 years now. Every time Rich has gone into the hospital... she says we have to be like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich... we have got to stick together. Her and her dad thought of that when he was first sick and she was about 8 years old.



It seems like such a long time ago... yet it seems like yesterday. On one hand... it makes me feel old... and on another hand... it makes me want to be young again and catch up on all we missed out on!



I am in such a hard place emotionally. I feel like if something were to happen to him... I would be stuck here in this place. This state and part of the country that I have never lived in before. I am lucky I live so close to my work! I get lost around here... ALOT! I have driven around in circles more than I have ever wanted to! When we go into downtown... Rich has to be with me to tell me which roads to turn next on.



The only people I know here... are my co-workers... and my in-laws. No one here has that comforting... loving... "come here and just let me hug you" personality. My family that I grew up with... was very loving. Very compassionate. Very close. So close that they become a part of every breath you would take... every thought you would think. We truly loved one another... and were not afraid to show it.



I dearly miss that. I had a handful of (one) friends... that felt like family. She lives 2500 miles away now. I miss hugs. I miss not having to explain my life to people. I miss people who KNOW me. I miss having a close friend to go and just share things with. Times like this... are when I miss it most.



I pray that Rich will be alright. He has to be alright. We have been through so much already.

This whole thing makes me sound selfish. But you know what? I'm not. I give out alot of love and support. Sometimes I just feel all empty inside. Say a prayer for us if you think of it. Mostly for Rich. He is tired of being sick all the time. He gets frustrated when one thing seems to happen right after another. He is worn out from hospitals and doctors. He is tired.

It would be nice to be able to concentrate on living... and having that life more abundantly. It would be nice. It seems that we are constantly taking one step forward... and a few steps backwards.

I feel lost.



Hug someone that you love. That simple form of compassionate human contact... can heal more than any medicine ever created.