I am not where I am supposed to be...

It's been a while since I have had anything worth saying here.  It's been a while since someone came here to read what I have had to say.  Do people come here?  Why do they come here?  Is this place worth sharing with the world?  Do people actually read what I write?  Maybe some just come here looking for pictures to add to their own sites.  Maybe some just come... see the word God... or Jesus... and click out really fast.

I have been in a spiritual lull... by my own doing.  I have a simple relationship with God.  I talk... He listens... sometimes I hear his voice in my heart.  Yes... Christians hear voices... but only if your heart is open... and only if you have the faith enough to believe that God is real.  (I believe that's why the "therapists" believed my mom was nuts... non Christian therapists don't believe in "the voice of God")

I do believe that God is real.  Jesus is alive.  He walks beside my soul every day.  On the days that I spiritually walk silent... I feel that Jesus walks silently beside me... waiting for me to visit with him.  I have always felt his presence... even when I have felt all alone.

How do I explain how fabulous that feeling is to a non-believer... or to someone who does not understand what God is all about?  How do I explain it to myself?  Myself... believes it by faith.  Faith is believing in things that are unseen.

So why am I in a lull?  I wish I knew.  I start to talk to Jesus... then I stop.  My heart talks to him... more than I do.  I believe he listens to what my heart is telling him.  

Sometimes I feel like a little child... inside myself.  You know... that place in your soul that still need nurturing.  Sometimes I feel like I am sitting in a room with no windows... with my knees curled up to my chest... and my arms wrapped around my legs... with my chin resting on my knees.  Waiting.  Just waiting to be taken out of that room.   Jesus is in that room with me.  He keeps urging me to come outside of the room.  He keeps telling me that it's okay... that he will protect me... but the little child inside that room has never been to the place Jesus is asking me to go to... and she is just a little bit scared that she won't be good enough to make it out there.  I want to go out... so very badly.  I cannot do it alone... and Jesus knows that.  Every effort I make to leave that room seems to fail... because I try to leave it by myself.  I sometimes think that I am strong enough to do it on my own... but I am not.  In my weakness... Jesus takes over for me... He is the strength of my spirit.  If only I could be more like him.

I have tried to share the joy and strength that God has given me in my past... to others.  Some people shrug it off like it is a piece of lint on their shirt.  Others... have soaked in and actually shared some of my past blessings as hope in their own lives.  I want new blessings to share.  I need a new hope.  I need for Jesus to take my hand and help me find the key that will unlock that room and let me out.  I have so much to give... by faith I have so much to give... yet I have not come to the place I need to be in... to share it.