Truth...And Love... Can Be Felt Beyond Eternity....

I am happy to say that I have reclaimed my commitment to my body! It is so tough to get things going when your body doesn't want you to! It frustrates me to know end when one thing after another hurts... and all you want to do is make it... and the reason it hurts.... go away!



We have went to exercise for the past two nights. Each day I was able to do a little bit more. Not alot more... but every little bit counts! I am taking the night off from the fitness center. Tomorrow I will start again. I need a day of rest for my burning muscles!!! I was twisting my hair up on top of my head this morning and I could really feel the burn. You know that new-ish cartoon movie with that little guy who rides around in a little spaceship... and the little dinosaur talks funny because he "has a big head and little arms"??? Well... that is just how I felt this morning trying to get my hair done up for work!



I have the next two days off... so all is good.

***

I want to take this moment to say something. I am going to say it in a round about way as to not say it completely direct. When someone does something horrible in their life... and others are witness to it... if you are the person committing the horrible thing... OR... the witness..... don't lie about what happened. I have been reminded in the past few days that the truth can set you free. Being the bearer of said truth... can be a heavy burden to carry. I suppose that if the person committing the horribleness had a conscience... their burden might be hard to carry as well. In this instance... even though the said committer... has been forgiven by said witness... the witness still knows the truth. In my heart of hearts... I feel the committer has built up such a lie that they have thoroughly convinced themselves and those closest to them... that their lie is in fact the truth.



I guess... that since the one the horrible things were committed to has long since passed away... the witness is the only link to the truth. Unless by some miracle the committer entertains the possibility of coming clean and allowing said witness... (and those closely resembling her familial status)... an honest chance to heal.





The following is one of our mother's favorite bible verses... perhaps the one she lived by. I know it is the one thing she has given us children... and it truly carries past all boundaries of eternity.



Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7




God knows the hearts of those in question.

No More Daily Struggles... How 'bout Daily Bread Instead!

I feel like the devil has been fighting me tooth and toenail ever since I paid for a membership to the fitness club. Almost every single day... I have had some sort of ailment keeping me from going. This fitness center... and my desire to get healthy... and live my life for God... is just making the devil madder than a hornet. And being the nasty little hornet that he is... he just keeps stinging me from every direction.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!

I did not make up my heart and mind... to be tormented by the tormentor of hell.

Father in heaven... I am asking for your healing in my body... so that I can complete my goals to live a healthier life... and to live that life to give glory to YOU! I am asking for YOUR SUPERNATURAL STRENGTH in my knees and ankles... so that I may be ABLE... (NOT DISABLED!) I am asking for a renewed and strenghtened togetherness of my heart, mind, body and soul... daily... to get me to the next phase... LIFE!!! I am asking for all of your grace and compassion... please keep husband and daughter's heart, mind, body and soul strong also so they too can complete their goals as well. I am declaring right now that with each step I take to be healthy is like having my foot squashing the devil's head squarely to the ground! I ask this in Jesus' name... Amen.

Happy L-VAD Day! (updates from the Bunting home...)

I'm happy to say that Rich got out of the hospital Sunday afternoon. They never did find out what the cause was from the infection... but they kicked it in the head pretty quick with alot... (ALOT)... of IV antibiotics. Like always... he was extremely eager to get out of there and be home.

Hannah is out of the deli department at work. She had such a hard time in there. It seems she could never do anything to make anyone happy. She always tried to do whatever she could to get along with everyone... but there are alot of "older" women in there that just... for the lack of better words... are not very nice. Han was always getting written up for stupid things that those other women said she was... or wasn't doing... which I believe they were just trying to get rid of her. Not the management... but more so... those women. I work in the bakery of the same store. I talked to one of the front end managers about Hannah telling me that she felt like a failure. I said that maybe the deli was not the right place for her. The front end manager said that she would talk to the store manager about it. Well... we never heard anything for a little while. Then... on the day that Hannah was going to go look for another job... they asked her if she would fill in for someone doing carry-out who was sick. Hannah did it. This past monday was her first day being trained as a cashier. The people at the front end are much more easy going... and a heck of a lot happier. They all like Hannah... and it is a worry off my mind... and... she enjoys it!

I am keeping a personal journal during my weight loss struggle. I have come to the conclusioin as to why I am an emotional eater. I am trying to work it out inwardly. There is alot on my mind lately about it. It all makes sense as to why I am the way I am. Now... I just have to figure out how to conquer it. I have to find another way to deal with the extreme emotional attachments from my life growing up as it pertains to food. Perhaps... the gift that God gave me... IS the key to opening the door to a new way to deal with the hurt and pain that mingles with the comfort that food brings me. We are going to the fitness center tonight when Hannah gets home from work.

I also wanted to wish you all a "Happy L-VAD Day!" It's not valentine's day at our house. Seven years ago on February 13, 2001... Rich was in the hospital having a mechanical heart pump implanted. He was dying... and the "L-VAD" (left ventricular assist device) was what was going to keep him alive until he got a heart transplant. Which... he then got the transplant on June 16, 2001. God gave me SEVEN extra years of life with him. Thank you God! Hopefully many more to come.

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. I hope that God reaches inside your hearts and blesses your lives. He is the giver of life. He is the breath I take. He just IS!

I need a hug...

(I believe this picture is from the comic strip Calvin and Hobbs...I found it online)


Things have been a little stressful here the past couple of days... well... this past week... I should say. Monday started out a normal day. Rich had a doctor's appointment... normal checkup to see how his new insulin was working for him. No biggie. We decided that after the appointment we would go to the fitness center... which we did.



Tuesday... Rich noticed he had a big, red... and slightly feverish patch of skin on his abdominal area. It hurt a little bit... but he figured that he had just done something to it at the fitness center the previous day and didn't realize it.



Wednesday... Rich noticed the patch of redness getting quite large. It was even more sore... and it was starting to worry ME a little more than it was worrying him. See... since he is on anit-rejection medication to keep from rejecting his heart transplant... his medications keep his immune system lowered. He really doesn't have a very good chance of getting rid of any kind of infection very well on his own. That night... I drew a circle around the outer edges with an ink pen... and I told him that if it got bigger by morning that I was calling the doctor. He finally agreed.



Thursday was my day off. His redness was even bigger... by a few inches all the way around where I had circled. The doctor agreed to see him if we were able to be there by 5pm. The doctor took one look at it and said that he needed to be admitted right away to the hospital. They got him started on 3 very powerful IV antibiotics. They took cultures of it to see what it is. Rich should know tomorrow what the infection is. The doctor that took the cultures said that "something" is growing in the blood sample that he took... but he doesn't know what it is yet until tomorrow. He did seem to rule out a couple of scary things... PRAISE GOD! He did tell Rich that if he had waited one more day to call the doctor... that the course of action that they would be taking would be a whole new ball game because it would have gone into his blood stream...and possibly affecting his heart.



I am still worried about all of this. I know that the bible says we should not worrry... but it is really hard not to. Life is so fragile. The joy of living is precious... as opposed to dealing with horrible sickness.



I used to be alot stronger than I am now... emotionally. Or... maybe I am strong still... and am just worn out from one thing after another.



I know that I have Hannah... my daughter. She is a good source of support and humor. We rely on each other when Rich gets sick. We have had to for the past 11 years now. Every time Rich has gone into the hospital... she says we have to be like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich... we have got to stick together. Her and her dad thought of that when he was first sick and she was about 8 years old.



It seems like such a long time ago... yet it seems like yesterday. On one hand... it makes me feel old... and on another hand... it makes me want to be young again and catch up on all we missed out on!



I am in such a hard place emotionally. I feel like if something were to happen to him... I would be stuck here in this place. This state and part of the country that I have never lived in before. I am lucky I live so close to my work! I get lost around here... ALOT! I have driven around in circles more than I have ever wanted to! When we go into downtown... Rich has to be with me to tell me which roads to turn next on.



The only people I know here... are my co-workers... and my in-laws. No one here has that comforting... loving... "come here and just let me hug you" personality. My family that I grew up with... was very loving. Very compassionate. Very close. So close that they become a part of every breath you would take... every thought you would think. We truly loved one another... and were not afraid to show it.



I dearly miss that. I had a handful of (one) friends... that felt like family. She lives 2500 miles away now. I miss hugs. I miss not having to explain my life to people. I miss people who KNOW me. I miss having a close friend to go and just share things with. Times like this... are when I miss it most.



I pray that Rich will be alright. He has to be alright. We have been through so much already.

This whole thing makes me sound selfish. But you know what? I'm not. I give out alot of love and support. Sometimes I just feel all empty inside. Say a prayer for us if you think of it. Mostly for Rich. He is tired of being sick all the time. He gets frustrated when one thing seems to happen right after another. He is worn out from hospitals and doctors. He is tired.

It would be nice to be able to concentrate on living... and having that life more abundantly. It would be nice. It seems that we are constantly taking one step forward... and a few steps backwards.

I feel lost.



Hug someone that you love. That simple form of compassionate human contact... can heal more than any medicine ever created.

"Wow! Look at her GO!"

The expression on the face of the monkey... says it all. I imagine that's what everyone at the fitness center looks like when they see me for the first time on the treadmill! ((which... by the way... I have gotten used to... took me a while to forget about wanting to be in control of the ground below me!))

The expression could also be used for how I feel about myself. Like... OH my GoSh!!! I am actually exercising!

It could also be used to describe how I may look catching my breath after going 33 and 1/2 minutes on speed #3.5 for the first time ever in my life... only the third day in! **Note to self... catching your breath... it's a good thing!

It's an all around feeling good kind of picture... and that is how I feel... pretty darned good!

I have tried to not leave drool marks on things that tempt me. (which sometimes seems to be everything!) I have been as good as I can be with eating better... ok... I fibbed... I could be better... but I am learning!

I did not get depressed when I gained two pounds this past week... and Rich lost six. I was a little more determined though!!!

So yeah... Look at that little monkey face... and think of me! Know that I am having the time of my life "Reclaiming... MY LIFE!"

I am enjoying the time I spend with Hannah and Rich at the fitness center... I feel bad on the days that we cannot make it... and I look forward to going all the time.

I am also loving the fact that I have seemed to be an inspiration to people that I work with. I see alot more apples and bananas in the break room! AND... a couple of people are feeling the pressure... and have been exercising on their own at home... and one of my close co-workers and her husband... are thinking about joining a gym also!

I have always wanted to be an inspiration to others... perhaps... I will touch someone's heart after all.