God's Dream For My Life...

I have spoke of the 'vision' that God gave me for my life in another post before. I know in my heart that what I saw was in fact what the Lord wants for me. I feel it more strongly with every day that goes by. It seemed for a while that I was stuck in a place and was not moving in any direction. I asked myself... and God... if maybe it was only my hopes that the vision I saw was a dream from God. I know it is from God... and I know that I am still "a work in progress" toward the gifts that he has given me. I am not at a standstill in my quest for the great things that I know lie ahead for me and my family. I am, however, at a place where I need to let God take over for a while... while I work on something that is truly keeping a part of me from that vision. It kind of goes hand in hand... and is the biggest obstacle keeping me from moving forward right now. God is faithful to me... and I have been faithful to him. He has shown me how easy it is to turn past hurts into heartfelt and sincere love and forgiveness. That is only a small part of God's dream for me. I cannot say it is my dream... I honestly cannot. I would have never decided in a million years on my own what he wants for my life. I am very thankful for the blessings he has given me along this journey. Alot of the blessings have come in the form of hardships and heartaches... and the fact that I have still thanked him for being there for me constantly during those times. When I was enduring the hardships and heartaches... I felt alone and forgotten about by God. When you are knee deep in the turmoil of it all... it is hard to see but right before your eyes. I have learned to speak the truth of God's dream to my heart. I know that I truly desire to be in the midst of what he wants for me... and to be able then to look beyond... to yet maybe even more that God may have in store for me. Like I said though... I have an obstacle. Let me tell you about the dream that God has given to me... his dream... that he wants me to fulfill. I was in the midst of my mother dying... and my husband almost dying... and financially slipping of the face of the earth... and in physical pain and turmoil... and all kinds of other 'stuff' going on in my life... and I saw no end in sight. I was taking an over abundance of prescription pain pills to try to take my physical pain and emotional heartaches away. I did not ever overdose... just always enough to make me numb... and allow me to function without feeling. My heart was so very saddened though. I did not even feel like a human being. I did not want to live the rest of my life this way... and I didn't see anything better for my future at that time. I laid in my bed one night alone. Rich had not wanted to go to bed yet... he was doing something and would be in later. I was so depressed and emotionally worn out that I didn't even care. I laid there crying and just sobbing to God. I yelled at him a little bit. I told him that my life was horrible... and how could he do that to me... and what did I ever do to him to cause me such pain and torture... you name it... I said it. As I laid there in my pillow of tears with a bottle of those prescription pain pills in my hand... I said, "God... you better show me what you have planned for my life... before I decide to end it right now." And then I told him that I was too tired to try to figure out subtle little hints... I needed to "see" it as plain as day... and feel it in my soul and know it was from him. I told him this was it... because I was too tired to care and I didn't want to live this life anymore if this was all there was going to be to it. What happened next... could only be from God. My eyes were closed... yet I was awake. In my mind... it was like I was watching a little snipit from a movie. As I laid there watching... I started shaking uncontrollably. I was not cold... nor was I having a seizure... but I was shaking so much the entire bed was moving. If Rich would have been in bed with me... he would have wondered what was going on... and probably rushed me to the hospital. I was not ill... nor was I having any medical problems to cause me to shake like that. I believe it was God shaking me and saying... "Snap out of it Suzii... and "SEE" what I have planned for your life!!" In my vision... I saw me. Very slender (which is a dream in itself for me)... I was standing in front of a group of ladies. I was wearing a white lace dress... my hair was a medium golden brown... and it cascaded in loose curls down to the middle of my back. Not only was I gorgeous... but I was standing in front of these ladies telling them about what God has done for me in my life... and talking about a book that I had written. I remember seeing my friend, Thelma, standing in the back of the room against the wall as I spoke. It was very comforting to see her there as part of my life. Then... just before the little snipit of the movie in my mind was over... I heard what I believe to be the silent voice of God thundering through my heart. He told me what the name of the book was going to be... and he told me that I would write it to reach out to his people... and that it would glorify him. Then I fell into a sleep that I will never forget. I slept so comfortable and so peaceful. It was like taking a nap in the arms of God. I slept and felt no worries... and when I woke up... I was more rested than I had been in months prior to this happening. The next few days... I had thought hard about what I had seen. I knew this truly had to be from God. I could have never thought of it on my own in a million years. All I could think about was that it would take me completely out of my comfort zone to stand in front of so many people like that! I understood the part about the writing. Writing has been a desire of my heart from a young age. It took me a long time to tell anyone about this. For fear mainly that I would be laughed at. I knew I could tell my friend, Thelma. I knew she would understand and encourage me to follow towards what I had known in my heart to be from God. It has been alot of years since that night. There have been times that I have wondered if I would ever get there. I keep that dream alive in me every day. God has been faithful to me through the trials and 'dry spells' I have been through since then. I have come up against many setbacks that I thought I would never get through... but I kept the image that I still hold in my mind from that night... hoping to one day reach the place that God has in store for me. I feel that writing here... on this website... is just the beginning of a fine tuning process that I must go through. I have little clues about what all is supposed to go into this book that God wants me to write... but I really don't know yet how to get started. I have struggled with the "getting started" part. It is really the hardest part. I have finished the book... "The Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson today. Today I realized... and I have been feeling it for a while now... (and Bruce's book confirmed it for me).. that I need to give God's dream back to him. I really have no clue how to really get it all going the way it is supposed to be. I don't want to run head long into this... and ruin it for God. It has to be his dream! He is the one who will perfect it... I cannot. I can only be the one to carry it out. I actually took a nap this afternoon feeling light hearted and happy to feel God's presence in my life. I asked God when I finished reading the book... to please... show me what else I needed to do before I can help make his dream a reality in my life. As I slept... I once again saw the same vision I saw so many years before... and when I woke... I knew what it was that I had to do. I have to overcome the biggest obstacle of my life. I have tried to think in the past that I could make God's dream come true... even if I wasn't physically ready to. I was trying to rush it... to get finished... and then work on the hard parts. Well... it won't work that way. I have to beat my giant... before I can win. I was not standing in front of those ladies in a white lace dress size 6X. I was slender... and very nice looking... and in good health. See... I just wanted to get to the book part. I was too afraid to overcome the losing weight part. Maybe I thought in my head that if I just went ahead and wrote God's book... that he would overlook the fact that I didn't "look" quite like I was supposed to. Well.............. God doesn't work that way. So... for now... my outlet for writing will be here... on my website. I need to bring down my giant... (lose my weight)...and conquer the biggest giant keeping me from walking into God's promise. I guess God is going to make me work for it a little bit. I just wanted the easy way out. My giant is staring me in the face... everyday. It taunts me... it shames me... it points it's ugly finger at me... and I refuse to take it anymore! So at this point I ask to be kept in your prayers. This will be the hardest part of my journey thus far. I say that looking back on all that I have already been through... and I say... Yes........ it is going to be the hardest thing to conquer.... but I will make it to the other side. Thank you Thelma for being my encourager. Thank you God... for picking me!

Some Days Ya Got It...

Some days ya don't. Instead of writing today... I have been reading a book that my friend, Thelma, gave me to read. Actually.. I did most of the reading of it last night in bed. Today I have spent deep in thought about it all. It is kind of odd that I don't read alot of books... but when she gives me one to read... it is one that I NEEDED to read! She always shared inspiratonal books with me... and honestly... everytime I read them... it is like they were written JUST FOR ME! This book is wonderful... and God knew I needed it... RIGHT NOW! The book is called "The Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson... with David & Heather Kopp. Let me tell you something... this book is awesome! If you have been given a dream by God... and you are wanting to make the dream happen... read it! In this book the main character is called "Ordinary"... I see myself in this book as I read it. So... today... instead of writing... God and I have been "thinking together". My heart has been praying... and my soul has been yearning to reach through to "the land of promise".

My Little Brothers... All Grown Up

It is hard to keep mascara in place when you try to keep tears from flowing down your face. Dabbing the corners of your eyes with toilet paper just doesn't work! I must have dabbed a little too long on my right eye... cuz one steady stream flowed down my left cheek before I could catch it. I was not crying tears of sadness or pain. They were tears of understanding and love for my brothers words from his blog this morning. Even though he is thousands of miles away starting his new life with his new bride Katya in Germany... I still feel so close to him in my heart and mind. He and his twin brother Don are tucked deep inside my heart where I put them when they made their first appearance in this world 26 years ago. His post this morning was very touching... and it stirred the deep cavern of memories and emotions that I have kept hidden from the eyes of many for so long. There are so many good memories that I have with my brothers when we were young. Compared to the handful of really aweful ones... the good ones outweigh them beyond comprehension. I too remember Chris' recollection of them being dragged away from our home kicking and screaming. But the thing I remember also that brings a tear to my heart... are the four tiny hands reaching up to me and my mother begging us not to be taken. 20 little fingers trying to grasp any part of us that they could to stay. Two little spirits crying out in heart wrenching sobs. A pain that I prayed would someday find a peace in thier souls so as not to cause them a lifetime of pain and torment. Yes... those were hard times... but we all came out pretty good I think. To "grow up" shows us that past circumstances sometimes were beyond our control and only happened for the best at the moment. They are part of the tattered colorful pieces of fabric in our lives that make up who we are today. I am so grateful to hear the words from my brothers heart. It floods me with an almost motherly love for them. I helped so much in the raising of them... I guess that becomes natural. What I love the most in my life... are those who "belong" to me... (my family...all of them)... and the memories that I have with them in it. I hope in the future I will be able to share those happy moments from my childhood spent with my brothers. I have so many good things about them I need to let them know about... help them to remember that their life "growing up little" was only bad in parts. My mama made sure that we had alot of fun together. Even if it was going for a ride together to get an ice cream cone. The days of happiness and joy really do overpower the days of sadness and misunderstandings in our lives. And love is what keeps us bound together beyond the borders of this world.

If I Could Save 'Sand' In A Bottle...

The ocean for me holds a special bond. I cannot really explain it... but I feel it in my soul. When I stand at the shoreline and gaze far out into the horizon... I feel the universe is connected. I feel God's power... and his grace... his intensity... his softness... his beauty... his creativity. I just feel God all around me. When he created the oceans and the beaches he truly put his heart and soul into it. The jagged cliffs that reach up toward heaven... set softly down on a blanket of sand. The waves that billow out of the depths that reach the entire length of the shoreline come quietly at times to brush against the shore. Sometimes a rage of boiling water gnashes its teeth along the cliffs and sandy beaches completely gnawing and eating away at its boundaries. The beauty of God's masterpiece comes at sunrise and sunset. The morning sky is a softly brushed canvas with gentle pastel shades of lavendar and pink and a soft peachy color that sneaks up over the sleepy grey sky of night time. The evening sky is lavashed with brilliant streaks of orange and irridescent pink and sometimes a deep red and purple... add a few string-like clouds and it glows in layers spanning as far as the eye can see. At times... on a stormy day... there are thousands of shades of blacks and greys and whites... like a charcoal and pencil sketch with depths as deep as the ocean itself.

Many times I have asked God... "Why God? Why am I worth something to you? Who am I?" God answered me. In my heart I heard him say... Look how many grains of sand there are on the entire earth. I know how many grains there are... and I know where I have put each special one. I know where the waves of the ocean take them. I gave them to you to remind you how much you mean to me. If I took so much care to make them... then I truly love you.

Have you ever stood on the shore... with the waves lapping at your feet... and tried to count just one finger full of sand? God is so awesome! He gave us natures beauty. All of the true treasures of the ocean lay deep within. They are not gold or silver... but life and color and beauty into depths that are beyond our imagination. He painted this earth for us. There are so many colors I don't even think we can hit the tip of the iceburg trying to define all of them! His beauty and love is all around us. It is in everything we do... and everything we see around us.

I love the ocean... and everything that goes with it. I collect lighthouses and seashells and "stuff". I have taken up a new collection of collecting sand from different places. I go to a second hand store and find an inexpensive antique bottle to put each one in. It is so amazing to look at all of the differences in each bit of sand. Some have large rocks... some have broken shells... some are finer than the finest sugar. They all have different colors and textures. It is amazing how much work God put into just dirt! The differences are just as equal to the differences he made in each of us. My collection... I am hoping... will turn into sand and dirt... from all over the world! I want to see all that God has given us... see the land he created. I have not traveled far... but I send my friends who go on vacation with little ziplock baggies!

I am in awe of God and all of his wonders. I truly bow to him and his power and again... his softness and his creativity. We are created in HIS image! He must truly love us!

Genesis 1
The Beginning 1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
3 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.
6 And God said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." 7 So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. 8 God called the expanse "sky." And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.
9 And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. 10 God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God saw that it was good.
11 Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds." And it was so. 12 The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. 13 And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.
14 And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, 15 and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so. 16 God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. 17 God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, 18 to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. 19 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.
20 And God said, "Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." 21 So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. 22 God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth." 23 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.
24 And God said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind." And it was so. 25 God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.
26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground."
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.
28 God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."
29 Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. 30 And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food." And it was so.
31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.
Genesis 2:1-3
1 Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.
2 By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. 3 And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

Summer Is Coming... I Can Smell It!

Spring is my most favorite time of the year. It is the time God chose for new growth... Rebirth... And a newness to all things that became grey and withered with the hardness of winter. People can also be in a stage or form of winter. Winter is when seedlings lay dormant waiting to push through the frosty hard ground to be warmed by the sunshine. People who write... For instance... May have times when all kinds of thoughts mull around inside just waiting to burst through onto paper. For me... Watching the seasonal change from winter to spring... Inspires me. My creativity is at it's peak in the springtime. I have recently decorated the most beautiful cakes... And I have been able to get out some of the thoughts that have been mulling around in my mind for so long.

I love it when the weather is nice... Like during the summer. But I enjoy it's heat beside an airconditioner. I prefer a nice thunderstorm... hail... rain... grey clouds. I think had I gone down a different road in life... I may have ended up a storm chaser. Instead... I chase around the storms in my head. All of the "stormy" times of my life... swirl around until they gain enough force to burst out of the cloudy haze of my brain.

I am a thinker. I am perfectly content just sitting quietly with my own thoughts. I can travel down many paths and relive happy moments and just relax thinking. I was sitting outside this afternoon after work... And I could smell it coming..... Summer! The smell of fresh cut grass. The sound of dogs barking in the distance. Watching my own doggy's ears perk up when he hears them. The wonderful smell of someone BBQ'n somewhere! Like I said... I love spring... but summertime holds wonderful memories for me as well.

School is out! I hated school. There were parts about it I liked... Like the learning aspect of it. I did not like dealing with other stupid teenagers and all of their dramatic crisis and wanna-be grown up attitudes. I was always glad to have school out.

Summer brought my mom and my brothers and I to the Chewelah city park. This park is beautiful. It has a small refreshing creek that runs through it. Two metal bridges crossed the creek... one at the north end of the park... the other at the south end. It has tall wonderful trees that shade almost every inch of the park. We would take a picnic lunch and plan to spend all day there. We would watch my brothers play in the water... And sometimes I would join them! My mom and I would sit and talk for hours.

That park and summertime brought another seasonal favorite to town. "Chataqua"... an art fair/carnival/food festival type gathering would invade every square inch of the park... And the road beside the park... And along the roads around the park. Any inch left open between booths were swarms of people wandering through the maze of other wandering people.

I can still smell the fresh corn dogs and funnel cakes and the local firehouse bbq'd hamburgers wafting through the air. There was alot of preparations that went into this festival of fun... For the fair itself... And for my cousin and I. The week of "Chataqua" was just about the only time that my cousin was able to spend some time at our house during the summer. Sometimes I was able to go to hers... but Chataqua week was a ritual... a rite of passage... a must! We HAD to have money to spend... And lots of it! So we started at the beginning of the week scrounging around for our ever famous "YARD SALE"! We sold anything and everything... at a cut rate price! We went through my mother's garage full of boxes that had never been unpacked for years and years. We would use the excuse... "We will clean out the garage for ya!" And that... we did! I will never forget when we sold "the chair". My mom had an old...(I guess this was apparently REALLY old chair)... that was perfect!...((for a yard sale)). My mom had a heart attack just about when we told her that we got a whopping (well under $20 dollar) price for it! We thought we hit the jackpot... And my mother's eyes could have popped out of her head. See... according to her... it was not supposed to have been sold. She used some excuse like an antique or something! Geeesh! Anyways... My cousin and I would usually round up a good bit of Chataqua money before the weekend... And my mother's garage got a little cleaner every year.

We used to have all of our money planned out too. We HAD to have enough to buy a foam "lizzard on a stick"...(a painted piece of foam that was shaped to look like a lizzard... attached to a wire coat hanger type thing that looked like a leash... And they could be walked!). Quite a fascinating little toy. We also had to have enough money for a couple of rides... something to drink... a few carnival games.... And of course... COTTON CANDY! So these yard sales were a must! They were as essential as breath.

My cousin, Denise and I, we were kind of an odd pair.(still are in fact). We used to wear different colored socks... And we would trade one so each of us could have different socks on. We would then roll up our pantlegs... (this was to see if anyone noticed we had different colored socks on). This was all in preparation for the celebration we were about to partake in. Money in hand... off we went. We would walk across town to the park. The whole way we would laugh and giggle and talk... wondering if there was anything new this year at the carnival. We would make our way through the slow meandering "old people"... aka: adults... straight through to the cotton candy booth. Our eyes would sparkle and our faces would light just trying to pick out which color we wanted. We would give our money to the cute carnival guy... And giggle as we walked off tasting the first taste of sweet summer melting into liquid sugar on our tongues... periodically asking... "What color is my tongue?"

We would spend the entire day looking at the art displays... finding all of the jewelry booths... I imagine we looked at everything twice or three times... just to be there. As we walked by... we would note the prices of the various snow cone booths... because we knew we would be hot later... And we wanted the cheapest (and biggest) snow cones in the park.

One year... along one of our loops around the park... we saw a little kid that had just let go of a balloon. We decided to stand in the open fire lane of the park and see how long we could watch the balloon until it left our site in the heavens. We stood around with our heads turned upward staggering around mostly because we were getting dizzy trying to keep our eye on this tiny microscopic speck of a balloon. Our giggling and laughing was interrupted by some rude teenagers. We kept our eyes still fixed heavenward... but they came up to us and said... "What are you guys looking at?" We told them we were watching a balloon that a little kid had let go of... to see how far we could watch it until it disappeared. They wanted to know what balloon... so we pointed at the balloon while we still staggered around dizzy looking up at it. The insisted that there was no balloon... then they asked..."What are you guys on? We want some!" (meaning drugs)... that made us SO MAD! How dare they! I think at that point we stopped looking at the balloon and told them that we were "High on life and maybe they should try it!" We were so mad at them for spoiling our fun. I glared at them as we walked away with a "you are so stupid" look. They took an innocent childlike fun... And smeared it all up with the mud of the world that so many people get caught up in. We didn't let it ruin our day though. We just talked about how stupid those teenagers were... And how sad it was that they could not enjoy the balloon as we did. I think back on it now... And I still can see that balloon. I can still smell the wonderful smells of the park... And hear the carnival rides in the background.

The Chataqua festival still comes around every year. I don't go to it much anymore. Once in a while... maybe. But it is never the same. It holds the nostalgia of my youth... but it has lost it's luster to me. The memories I hold are more precious to me than anything I could ever buy there. As I drive by in my airconditioned car... I slowly and patiently wait for all of the people meandering toward the park...(since they have to park 4 or 5 blocks away). I enjoy the smells as I drive by and I always smile when I see a child in a stroller holding a balloon. Sometimes I will stop and buy a bag of cotton candy... just because.

Those wonderful summer days of Chataqua were always followed by a picnic type dinner at my house... And a little bonfire in our back yard... And of course s'mores. As the coolness of evening settled in... we would sit outside and talk about our adventures of the day... while listening to crickets and swatting misquitos. We would tell my mom of all of the wonderful things we saw... And asked her if she was going to go with us the next day. Our enticement was... "You can go and sit at the stage and listen to the music if you get too tired waiting on us". She would set us up with another s'more and we would get so sticky and black from the burnt marshmellows and the melted chocolate. We never knew it though until we went into the house to wash up before we went to bed. The whole days adventures still sparkling in our eyes... And all the sights and sounds of our fun still whirring like the ferris wheel and it's twinkly lights going around in our minds. We finally went to bed... And we would lay there and count the rest of our money and talk all night about what kind of things we might do at Chataqua the next day... until finally we both fell asleep.

Every once in a while when I drive through Chewelah... I drive by my mom's old house... And I remember all of the good times we had there.......

Well Hello There!

How are we all doing today? Fine I hope! I got finished at work today... and hobbled back to sporting goods to get a thingy that goes with Rich's fishing license that we never got when we bought it. I was hobblin' pretty good... but I made it. I have decided that it is really horrible when your feet hurt at the end of the day. When your feet hurt... life is basically miserable. I have an appointment with my doctor sometime soon...(and if I were to go out to the car and look at the little yellow card, I would know when it is). They scheduled me for a time long enough for a physical. (eeewwwwwwww!) I am going to go in there and just spill all of my problems out on the table. If my feet didn't hurt so bad... I think I would just turn around and kick myself in the bottom! But NOOOO... I need to go to the doctor to do it! I have some worries... that I do not want to have become realities. I don't want to say that they are fears... because Satan would just LOVE that! He would have all the ammo he needed then to ruin my life... and I REFUSE to let him do that. They are however issues that need to be addressed by my doctor and myself... and perhaps some tests are in order to rule stuff out.

I know the name of what it is I have. It is called "fatladyitis". Now I do not mean that in a mean way. It's really true! People who are overweight have problems. I know that the easy solution would be to lose weight. hahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAhahahaha! Easier said than done! I have tried all of the diets... except the pills and the strange ones that make you eat odd things.

I have been overweight ever since I was 5 years old. I have a picture of me when I was 3 in a bikini!!!!!!! I can actually say that I have been in one! All of the women on my mom's side of the family have this tendency to be large... and if they are not large... the possibility is there. Oh yay... I got the gene... woopty-doo. I honestly believe in heredity... and lifestyle... and cravings are the cause of people being overweight. Personally... I just love food...I love to cook it... I love to eat it... and am addicted to it! It's true! I don't eat tons of it... and there are some days that I don't eat much at all. I have heard all of the dieting concepts... and do's and don'ts... and I say great! If it works for you... do it! I know what works for me... and yet I am still fat. I lost over 75 pounds on a personally modified Atkins-type style of eating. I could not do without fruit and take away my pasta and bread and I will over eat it just to have some. So I modified it. We ate mostly according to the meats and cheeses... had some veggies... and small amounts of starchy foods... so that our bodies didn't crave what they were being deprived of. I never exercised during that time... but I was on the move at work as a medication assistant in an assisted living facility. (On my feet and runnin' from the time I got there til the time I got home). I felt good... and I looked good. The picture of me on my profile section of this website was after I had lost all of that weight. (I put it there as an inspiration to myself... not to be deceptive of what I really look like.) Our financial situation turned and that way of eating became obsolete. That is a very expensive way to eat. It is definitely not a "poor man's" diet. You can buy a box of pasta at Wal*Mart for .68 cents... a can of spaghetti sauce for .88 cents... and a loaf of french bread for .94 cents and you can feed a family of three (large) people and have left overs for the next day for all of $2.50. So... when the funds are low... guess what people have for dinner? It's a fact of life in this country. I had better food in my house when I was on welfare. When you have a job... and are trying to make ends meet... and you have to either pay a bill... or buy groceries... you tend to go with the least expensive meal you can find.

I do the best at losing weight if I exercise myself to death... and eat a well balanced and small portioned diet. Unfortunately... I have gained so much weight... that it is hard for me to exercise. I hold a full time job on my feet and some days it is all I can do to make it back to the time clock four times a day...(which is probably like a mile away! Wal*Mart supercenters are huge!)

So where am I going with this? Well...I am just a few days into being 36 years old. I sit here... in my house... and think about all of the things I would love to be able to do.

I would love to get up out of a chair... and have my body feel no pain... anywhere! I would love to walk to the bathroom and not be out of breath. I would love to own a bike... and ride it to work! (6 miles one way!) I would love to buy swimming passes and actually go swimming! (something I have not done in years). I love to swim and bike... or at least I used to. I would love to mow my own yard. I would love to show the people at work that I can run circles around them. There are some days when I feel pretty good that I can! I just wish I could do it all of the time. I would love to wear a pair of jeans again. I would love to buy clothes off of a rack at Wal*Mart instead of from a catalog. Right now... I make my own shirts... just to have them big enough to cover all my parts. One thing I cannot stand... is a woman or man... who is overweight... and they have fatty parts hanging out of their clothes. What I cannot stand more are the ones who do it on purpose! They should take some pride in themselves and make themselves look as good as they can. My thing is this... everyone knows your fat... you don't have to go around showing it off. And I mean this for myself. If my parts aren't covered... I feel horrible. Maybe other people in my situation don't think of that... but I do. How we hold ourselves... makes a difference in how people view us. Us meaning the overweight society. When you take pride in yourself... I have found that others tend to look past your size... and see you for who you are. Which by the way... is fabulous! Being overweight I have also had to prove myself to my employers. I have been turned down for jobs... of have turned them down... because of the way the prospective employer stereotyped me into a "fat person who probably can't get the job done." So... with every good job I have had... I have worked myself silly... and given 200% to prove that I can be just as good... as anyone else. And that has really paid off for me.

I know that anyone of us can walk out of our door in the morning and drop dead on our doorstep without any prior notice. But I don't want to hurry that process along. I want to be healthy enough to give life a fighting chance. Rich got a second chance at life when he was given the gift of life from his heart donor. We got a second chance as a family to learn how to love each other again... Now I want us to have the chance to really LIVE! I was 28 years old when Rich got sick. That is just the beginning of time really! A time when you are just starting to figure out life... and how you would like to live it. All of that was put on hold... and so was my own health.

I had to literally put myself on the back burner. I knew I was doing it... but I had no choice. I did not have time to worry about myself... I had too many other things to concentrate on... like making sure my family stayed alive.

My biggest regret... is that Hannah now is overweight. Yep... she got the gene too. I hurt inside for her. I know what she goes through at school. I know how mean and hurtful other kids can be to an overweight kid. I even know... unfortunately... how mean and hurtful some adults are too! I don't know if people realize it... but sometimes fat people get some really horrible looks and comments from other adults.

During all of the stressful times of Rich being sick... I took comfort in food. I no longer had my mama to go to. I was pretty much stuck with myself for comfort as Hannah was too young for me to pour my worries out to. So I found that hot cheesy foods... were so comforting. Fresh warm donuts right from the fryer... were so comforting. All of the foods that you love to eat... but should restrict how you eat them... were so warm and fuzzy to your soul. There is truth to "comfort food". It is a for real concept.

Now that the basic STRESS of trying to stay alive is over... I want to go out and LIVE! But the result from the stress... is keeping me from everything I want to do. I save my energy for work. I have to. I need to work full time for my family and household to survive. We learned how to play when we moved to the Oregon Coast for two and a half years. And what a beautiful place to play in! God's masterpiece.

So here I am. Almost ready to go BACK to the doctor. I want heart tests done to rule me out for having congestive heart failure like my mother and my husband both had. CHF runs in the family history as well. I do not want it... and I will not allow it in my body. I also want to rule out any cancer questions. I do not want it... and I will not allow IT in my body either! I refuse to have it in there. I am going to get checked out... for my own PEACE of mind. I am also going for some encouragement. My doctor has been our doctor ever since I was pregnant with Hannah. 18 years. He is kind... and he will give me some good suggestions I am sure.

What I really need is prayer. I have prayed for myself... which I feel so selfish for doing. I have asked God to turn every cell that is in my body that is bad... into a cell that is good... and to get rid of all of the cells that need to be gone. I have prayed for perfect health. I have prayed for a miracle... which I believe can happen in my body. I believe in the faith of the woman who touched just the hem of Jesus' garment and was healed instantly. "When Jesus had again crossed my boat the the other side of the lake, a large crowd gathered around him while he was by the lake. Then one of the synagogue rulers, named Jairus, came there. Seeing Jesus, he fell at his feet and pleaded earnestly with him, "My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live." So Jesus went with him. A large crowd followed and pressed around him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had given all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, "If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed." Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering. At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, "Who touched my clothes?" "You see the people crowding against you," his disciples answered, "and yet you can ask, 'Who touched me?'" But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." ~Mark 5:21-29~ I believe those miracles are still available for the receiving. God can heal in the blink of an eye. And I want to be completely healed and healthy. I want to glorify him and shout it to the world that God is the reason for my life, my health, and for the very breath I breathe! I want to fulfill my promise to him... and the promise that I made to my mother. I also want all of this for my daughter and husband too. I want us all to wake up for years to come and enjoy the life that the Lord has given to us... together. *In Jesus Name... Amen*

I would like to also have healing for those like myself who need it. I feel for you... I know what you are going through. Circumstances are different... but yet we are the same. I see myself as God sees me... and that is not a fat woman. I have been given a glimpse of what God has in store for my life... and I want to live it... healthy!

((Don't be mistaken...))

I realize that alot of my posts are heavy hearted. But do not be mistaken... there are alot of happy times in my life too. The reason for this blog... is to heal my heart... and to reach out into the universe in hopes to let just one person know that they are not alone in their sufferings. I just wanted to say that... again. :)

The Cause... The Effect... The Dream...

I don't want anyone to think that I am "hung up" on my mother's death. I am past the deep severe sobbing type mourning that follows the death of a loved one. I have sat here for the past five years trying to make sense of it all. I still have days where I will be sad in a way that is so deep that it touches every part of my soul... and I sob. It is only because I truly miss the unconditional love that my mama showed to me every day of my life. I could go to her with anything and everything... and she was there for me. I know that my brother's at one point were the "terrible teenagers"... but they loved our mother... and felt as though they could go to her with anything as well. We were all caught off guard when she died. My eyes could see it happening... but my heart was saying... "No WAY! My mother CANNOT die!"

I don't care if anyone reads this or not. This is mainly for me to put it all into words to relieve some of the pain in my heart about her death. For about a month or so my mother had trouble eating. Now that has NEVER been a problem in our family... so it kind of made us all worry. I took my mom into the doctor's office. We thought maybe she was having just stomach troubles... and early on... we had thought it was just the flu. But these symptoms just kept on and getting worse. The doctor wanted to do a scan of her entire body to "see" if there was something happening that they did not realize. Well... they did the scan... and they found a mass wrapped around her left kidney. This was in May of 2000. Her doctor said that she needed to see an oncologist... (cancer doctor)... just so we could be sure of what the scan had found.

Rich and I drove my mom down to Spokane to see the oncologist. My mom and I sat in the little office waiting for the doctor to come in. I asked my mom if she was ok. She said she was scared a little. I told her that I was too. It seemed like the doctor took forever to come in the room. He had been out looking at the scan results. After he came into the room... he introduced himself... and then it happened. He said... "Well... it looks as though you have a tumor wrapped around your left kidney... and your kidney needs to come out right away." I turned to my mother... and instantly saw all bit of life just drain from her soul. She turned white as a sheet... and I knew that she had not "given up"... but she gave into the fact that the reason she had been so sick... was cancer.

I asked the doctor how did he know it was cancer without checking it... and he said that he had seen enough of this in his lifetime to know exactly what it was... and it needed to be out right away. We actually left the office that same day with a scheduled time for surgery to have her kidney removed.

I tried to keep my mom thinking positive. I told her that she will feel better when they get a handle on it now. She would agree with me... and try to be hopeful... but I just saw something in her eyes that she knew that this was the beginning of the end. Her mother, my grammy, had died of cancer. In our family... as in many others... cancer is the big "C". Once ya got it... it's gotchya. My mom had told me one time... "so this is it." She said it really low... and had a sad, far away look in her eyes... yet she smiled at me and said that she would be alright.

My brothers were able to come visit her in the hospital during her surgery for her kidney removal. When the doctor came in to tell us that she was out of surgery I asked him how it all went. He told me that there was a 50-50 chance that they did not get it all. They said that the surgery was a difficult one because once they "got in there and looked around"... that it was worse than they had expected... and the cancer was in the vena cava, which was the large vein that carried blood all through her body. My hopes were still high... that we had the better of the two 50's... and my prayers were steadily streaming toward heaven.

My mom went into a nursing home for a short while after having her kidney removed. This was to ensure that her wound from surgery would heal and she could do ok on her own to get around. Her incision site was very large... and it wrapped around the back left side of her body. She did really well in the nursing home and was able to keep down some food finally. She was released from the nursing home to come home and continue to recover.

My mom was so happy that she got to see "the boys".. my brothers. I had to actually call the Red Cross to find the address where Chris could be reached. He was in the Army. I had no way at the time to contact him. I was really thankful for their help in contacting him.

After my mom settled in at home... she continued to be sick. She would have days where she would do really good... and she would have really bad days. The bad days she wasn't able to keep anything down... or in... at all. Her wound site was healing very well however.

My friend, Thelma, and I had wanted to do a bible study with my mom before we had found out about her cancer. We decided to wait until after her surgery and she was feeling better. We had the opportunity to have just one bible study with my mom. I know that Thelma could probably tell about this better than me... but I will try. At first... I kind of didn't know where in the bible we would start. I had bought my mom a bible like mine... and Thelma had one like that too. We had talked about my mom's feelings of the church abandoning her when she had her nervous breakdowns. My mom was reading through a few places and came across "the verse".

Now let me explain something about my mama. She was a crier. She would get all teary if she was happy to see ya.... and if you asked her what was the matter... she would wave her hands as if to be fanning her face and say.. "Oh nothing." ... while she swallowed the lump in her throat really hard... all the while smiling. It was kind of a thing with her... she would do that if I would read her my poems... she would do that if the Hallmark card someone sent to her really said it just right... she was a crier.

When my mama came across this particular verse in her bible... she cried. This was the verse she found. She opened her bible... and the first one she read was this... "As for you, go your way till the end. You will rest, and then at the end of the days you will rise to receive your allotted inheritance." ~Daniel 12:13~ I, and I know that Thelma too... could see it in her eyes that she knew at that moment that God loved her... and you could see peacefullness and almost like a relief flood across her face. It was almost like it was the Lord telling her that she was going to be ok... just to make it to the end of the days... and he was going to bring her home. How awesome is it to feel that much love from the Lord! That pretty much ended the bible part of our study... my mom had searched... and found exactly what she was needing to hear from God. That was the only bible study we had the opportunity to have with my mama. How precious is our Lord... to comfort those who are dying in their time of need... truly giving comfort to the soul.

My mom never got any better. I was working full time trying to keep my family above water... and trying to make sure that Rich wasn't dying as well. I went and checked on my mom everyday.. doing what I could for her. She also had home nurses come into her house and help her with her medications... and to maintain the dressing on her surgery site. As time progressed, however, she was getting really bad. She would lose consciousness when she would stand up... kind of like just faint. I worried about her being alone and falling. She got to where you would be talking to her... and it was almost like her mind didn't comprehend that you were even there. The blank stare didn't happen all the time... but when it did... it freaked me out! My mom's doctor reassured me that "they had got all the cancer". So my mind is spinning around trying to figure out what was happening. I couldn't stop working... but I couldn't leave her alone either. I had my daughter, Hannah, stay overnight with her on several occasions. Hannah was instructed to call me at work and I would be right there and to call 911 if something happened. Hannah was completely comfortable with this... she loved her grandma so much... and wanted to help. I hated to do it... but I asked her doctor if he thought she would benefit from being in a nursing home here in town that had a good physical therapy unit. He said that she would benefit greatly from that and should be home in no time. I was hopeful... because he did say that they got all the cancer...and I was hoping that she was just weak from not having the other kidney.

I had to leave town for a few days... and I figured my mom would be well taken care of. She was in the nursing home that Rich had worked at for over 10 years and everyone knew she was my mom... I felt completely confident that she would recover soon and come back home. I was quite surprised when I got home. The first thing I did was to go visit my mom. She had gone downhill so badly I was shocked. She rarely would respond to me. She would lay there and stare blankly into the air. I don't even think she knew I was there at times. The aide came into her room to help toilet her... and my mother blacked out and fell with the aide underneath her. Something was devastatingly wrong and I demanded that she be taken to Spokane to a hospital that had a little more technology to figure this all out. I was fighting so hard for her to get better.

That day... she was admitted into Deaconess Medical Center in Spokane. She had a wonderful doctor there that was compassionate and not all into himself like other doctors I have encountered in the past. He took Rich and Hannah and I into a quiet, very comfortable room. He asked me if I my mother had an advanced directive...(living will). I said no... but if she was awake and able... I would help her to fill one out. I never really thought that my mom at that time would be able to show enough clarity in her mind for this... but I was hopeful. He also asked me what I would like for him to do for her. I told him that I wanted him to find out what was wrong with her and if he could... to try to fix it. I told him that I knew she was very sick... but I wanted every possibility of a chance to help her done. He was so polite... and very heartfelt... and he said he would do everything humanly possible to help my mom.

When we went down to visit my mom the next day... she was awake and alert and MY MOM! I was so happy that I had her taken to Spokane. I had a little bit of hope. My mom had written me a list of stuff she wanted me to go buy for her. Her favorite was Carefree Sugarless Gum... the pink kind. And she wanted some sugar free hard candies. I told her I would go as soon as she helped me with her advanced directive. She had a whole day of clarity... that was totally awesome. We laughed... and talked... and just had some good moments together. Her and my husband Rich, spent a few years on unsteady grounds. I think they both deep down inside loved each other but they were both stubborn to admit it. My mom had needed help turning over in bed... and Rich helped her... and I remember her joking... "Don't you look at my butt Rich." We all just kind of laughed it off. My mom told me that Rich was a good man and she was glad I had him. I went to go and get her gum and candy... and we came back to visit a little longer before I once again had to get back home to go to work.

I regret that I was not there for my mother 24 hours a day. It is something I should have just done. I have struggled for so long not being there for her every minute. All I can say is..."I did the best I could"... which for me will never be good enough. I was struggling to keep my job and be the sole provider for my family...(I almost typed 'soul' provider... and I felt at times I was that too... standing in the gap... praying and praying and praying constantly)... and I was struggling for my mom to live... which I had no control over... but I was fighting for her because she could not. I was the one telling the doctor to fight for my mother... and do all you can for her. I struggled... and fought... and prayed so hard.

Her doctor did a test on my mom's heart. He said there was a golf ball sized tumor in my mom's heart acting as a valve flap closing off the blood flow to my mom's heart which was what was causing her to faint. He said that he had called in a heart surgeon and was planning on removing this tumor the next day. All I could think was "Finally! Someone was figuring this all out! And they were gonna fix it!"

The day that my mom was supposed to have her surgery... the doctor told me that I better call family in fast... she was in ICU. I asked if she was going to have the surgery... and he said only if she is stable enough. I immediately called family. My Aunt Dorcille... and my Uncle Wallace... my cousin Denise... and I had to call my brothers. I called Chris and Don first. I feel so bad that I wasn't able to keep them up to date more on what was happening with her...and I feel I let them down. It had only been three months since she had her kidney removed... and she went downhill so fast. They had taken some time to come and see her when she was in the second nursing home... and I don't think they expected it when I told them that they needed to get here fast.

The plan was in effect. Chris was stationed in California... and he got some time off and he was going to pick up Don in Seattle and he was hurrying as fast as he could. I asked him how long he thought it would take him to get to Seattle... in case I needed to get ahold of him. I waited and waited for them to arrive... all the while praying they would make it there before she passed away.

In the meantime... My mom was alert... but very drowsy in ICU. My aunt and uncle came to see her. She was so surprised to see them. She commented... "Oh my goodness... Wallace even came to see me. I can't believe it." She was quite happy about him being the one to bring her sister... my aunt Dorcille. The whole thing was quite somber... and very sad... but it made her feel good for that moment to have them there.

Lots of "in between" time was a blur to me. I then remember being alone in the room with my mom. I guess my aunt and uncle had gone home. I remember my cousin Denise being there at some point... I honestly cannot remember if she saw my mom before she passed away or not... and I apologize for that... but I know that she was there. She was in the family quiet room just across the hallway from my mother's cubicle in ICU... with Rich and Hannah.

When I was alone with my mom... she asked me where the boys were. ('scuse me... I'm crying.) I was holding her hands... with her beautiful fingernails... all bruised up from I.V.'s. I touched her forehead and kissed her cheek. I told her that I called them and that they were on there way as fast as they could go. She told me that she loved them so very much... her babies... and that she loved me too.

The doctor's asked me to please wait for a while in the waiting room... to let her rest a while. When I was in the room... I could see through the little window in the door from where I was sitting... right into her little cubicle. I was crying... and as I looked over to see what the fuss was outside...I could see them racing around in my mother's cubicle. One nurse was on the side of her bed doing chest compressions... and they rushed the crash cart into her... then they closed the curtain to her area. I am not sure... but I think at that time... we were all sobbing. I could feel a pull in my heart. It's almost like I could see in my heart my mother's soul trying to go... but she stayed there on that bed while they were trying to resuscitate her. For what seemed like an eternity I could feel that pull... and it hurt inside my heart so bad... I could feel Jesus in my heart and mind wanting me to let her go... reassuring me... comforting me... and I felt his arms outstretched... and I said through my tears... "Jesus...wrap your arms around my mama and take her home." At the moment I said that out loud in that room... I could feel peace in my heart... no more pulling... I felt her soul release into the arms of Jesus as he took my mama home. I know that some people might not believe this... but that IS what happened. I know that my mama went to her savior and was free from the pain and suffering she had been through. She was free... and I could feel Jesus' arms as they held her close... and I felt peace. I was, of course, extremely extremely extremely sad... (and sad is not even close to the word to describe)... my mother was gone.

Her doctor and several of the people that had tried to help her... came into the room to let me know what happened.... and I already knew. They expressed their sympathies in the dearest and kindest of ways... and I thanked them all for doing all they could for my mama. I let them know through my spattering of splashing tears that were pouring out of my head that what they had done for her meant the world to me. I then was allowed after a while to go in to see her. I held her hand and kissed her. It was only her body... she was in heaven... but that worn out body had just held the precious soul that was my mama... and so a very humble respect was given to it. I saw my mama as a butterfly... beautiful and gracefully released from her cocoon... free and alive making her way to heaven to see those of our loved ones that had gone on before... and to be with Jesus to spend her eternity in a place I one day hope to see her again in.

The hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life... THE HARDEST THING... was calling Christopher and Donald. I was numb. I could not feel the phone... I don't remember dialing the number. I had to tell them that they didn't make it in time. What was I going to say? I didn't have a clue. I tried to think of something before the phone stopped ringing and was picked up... but once they answered... all I could say was... "Mama's gone." and I cried... and cried. I asked them to please still get here... and please be safe. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. If only the doctor had told me to call them sooner...maybe they could have made it. "If only's" played through my head forever... and they sometimes still do. If only I could have been physically with them before I told them... Maybe I should have waited until they showed up to tell them so I could have been with them... maybe... if only... maybe. The only thing that comforts me in the tiniest... is that God knew how things would play out... and it all happened the way it happened for a reason... but... it doesn't sit well with me still. Maybe I am looking for them to forgive me... I don't know.

My brother's were there for my mom's funeral. When they were little... my mom used to take us all to the park for a picnic... and to play in the creek that ran through the park. She used to lay on the bank and watch Chris and Don play in the water. They would pick wild forget-me-not's and put them all over her hair... just covering her head with them... and she loved it. The more she loved it... the more they would pick for her. My brothers had basically only one request at her funeral... they would like to put forget-me-not's in her hair.

I think through the years... we have all mourned in our own ways. I am trying to be strong and make sense of why a 55 year old woman... can be taken by a nasty disease in the matter of three months. I am trying to heal my heart that was broken into a million pieces the day she died. I don't think that I will ever completely heal. I write poems when they hit me... and there is not one single moment that goes by that she is not in my mind. She is in everything that I do.

For the longest time... all I wanted was to have a dream about her. I would pray to God to please let me see her again in my dreams... begging and pleading. For the longest time.. I would not have any dreams about her. Then I started having bad dreams about her. She kept dying in different ways all over again... and I was struggling to keep her alive. I would wake up crying every time I would have a dream like this. So... I started asking God... Please... I just want to feel her hug me again. Knowing in my right mind... that I wouldn't be able to actually hug her... I kind of gave up on that notion. Then one night it happened. I hadn't even thought of dreaming about her for quite a while. I was sure missing her though. But I was trying to deal with it the best I could. I had gone to sleep... not even thinking... just getting rest before work... and in my dream I saw her. She was thin... and beautiful... like she was when she had lost alot of her weight. She was dressed in a beautiful outfit... her face was gorgeous and her hair was perfect. She was standing in a white room with her arms outstretched and I went to her... and she hugged me. It was one of those dreams where you feel like you are really there... and I felt her arms wrap around me... hugging me... and I said to her... "I have waited so long for this."... and my mama said.."I know." That was all that was said... and the hug seemed to last forever. I slept so peaceful... and woke up crying tears of joy. I immediately wrote down this dream. I didn't even need to write it really... I will NEVER FORGET what it felt like to have my mama's arms around me again. She was so warm and soft... completely indescribable really... and she smelled so good... like my mama. I emailed my brothers... I wanted to share my dream with them so badly. I wanted them to feel it as well. I hope they have that feeling... somehow.. someday.. I pray for that.

I wrote a poem a few years ago...

Mommy I miss you... you sweet smiling face....
Tears you would shed... with every embrace...
My heart fell to pieces... when you left that day...
I wanted so badly... to keep your death at bay...
You made me... you loved me... you treasured me so...
It killed part of me... to have to let you go...
You cared unconditionally... in my heart you could see...
All the special places... that formed to make me...
You knew my thoughts... you cherished my laugh...
You are my precious treasure... no jewel can surpass...
Mommy I miss you... I know time heals all pain...
But I so look forward... To hugging you again...
I know in my soul... you are in a better world...
But mommy I miss you... Love, your little girl.

written by Suzii Bunting on 2-26-02

My Brothers

This is a picture of my twin brothers! It was taken their senior year. They are 10 years younger than me. The left is Donald Ryan Clough and the right is Christopher Brian Clough. I loved them before they were born... and I love them even more now! Don lives in Seattle Washington with his wife Jessica. Chris lives in Germany now... just moved there from Russia... and he is newly married to his wife Katya. I miss them and think about them every single day. I pray that their lives are successful and happy and safe all the time. When they were little... they used to call each other "Fiffer and DaDa". I love you guys!... ~Sissy~

So Much Lost... Yet So Much Gained...

Recently I have been stressing out about things. Finances... or lack there of. Worries about things that we need... and things that we have lost. Not lost in the sense of..."Gosh darn it... where did I put my keys?" But lost in the sense of the years that have gone by... the hopes and dreams that a once 18 year old woman thought she could achieve... the time that was put on hold during all the illness and 'stuff' that we have been through in the past 8 years. I know that I should not worry... but I do. God knows that I do... and in the back of my head he tells me..."Knock that off Suzii... you know that I can handle things better than you can!" So why do I still worry? Well... because I am living in the moment of the stress. It is hard sometimes to "see the road ahead of you" and not know which way 'things' are going to go.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to this life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow? They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~Matthew 6:25-34~

According to my bible... these are words from Jesus himself! Yet I still worry. It is hard to live from paycheck to paycheck... and sometimes from paycheck to NO paycheck.

I am very thankful for the "things" I have in my life. I know that there are many more people in this world that have ALOT less... and some have nothing at all. We still desire to live 'just a little better'. Or... 'if we only had a little more money'. Or... 'how many more meals do we have left until payday?' Or...'how many more trips to work can I make with the gas that we have?'

When Rich had to quit his job because of his heart failure... we spent 8 months just struggling without money. I look back on it now... and I wonder how we did it. Rich's co-workers had set up a little fund at a local bank that we used for paying some of our bills. And... Alot of the bills just didn't get paid. Our credit went down the tubes REALLY fast! It is sad that this world revolves on credit. There are so many people out there that don't have any... or they have had a really bad run of luck... but they have jobs and are trying to make it.

Rich and I, when we first got married, would make "5 year goals". We would go for a ride and just talk about where we would like to see ourselves in 5 years. One time our goal was to own a nice reliable car. We worked really hard. The next 5 years we wanted to be buying, or own our own place to live in... and have enough money to pay all of our bills with some to spare. When Rich got sick.... our "5 year goals" came to an abrupt stop. We started living day to day... hour to hour. Rich's favorite saying... and his life motto is "live life one day at a time".

I remember sitting in our mobile home that we were buying before he got sick and saying to myself..."We are finally living a comfortable life... our bills are paid... and we have money left over!" I was so proud that we had done what we wanted so badly just a few years prior. I regret saying that now. I regret ever getting that comfortable and feeling that secure. Not long after that our world was sent into a downward spinning spiral... kind of like when you see a funnel cloud come out of the sky... and it destroys everything in its path.

Even though we struggled so hard... fighting to live... scraping to survive... I still would thank God for what we did have. I used to cry to him and pout and ask him... "Why us?... What did we ever do to deserve this?" I can honestly sit here today and say that God wanted me to learn how to be sincerely thankful for the tiniest of blessings that he has given us... and he wanted me to realize and learn that the "things" of this earth... mean nothing when you are gone. It is the fragile and precious gift of life itself that he wanted us to appreciate.

After my mom passed away... I got all her "stuff". Some of her "stuff" went to my brothers... and some of her "stuff" went to a community closet for those less fortunate who might need wheelchairs, or a hospital bed, or a bedside commode. All of the "stuff" that went with being sick... we gave away... we wanted no part of it. But what made me realize that the things of this world don't matter? I will tell you. I have some of my mother's things in my house. Little nick nack type things. Things that my mind has memories of us buying together. Memories of how she used to display all of her little treasures around her house. All of those things... that are now in my house collecting dust... are full of thoughts of her. But I would throw all of those things into a great big bonfire to have just one hug from my mother again.

It is really not the things of this world that matter. I am very thankful that I have been blessed with a job ever since Rich has become disabled. And I am thankful that he is allowed his disability. Without that... our financial situation would be even worse. I am thankful that we have been blessed with a reliable car ever since all this has happened. We have lost several cars.. but have been blessed with another in its place. I am sad that the house we were buying that we had to sell to keep it from being taken away from us is no longer ours... but I am very thankful we have a place to rent. It is the biggest place we have ever lived in (not counting base housing when Rich was in the Air Force). I am thankful for the community food bank. We don't go there all the time... but there are times when we really do need it. I am thankful that we do not have to be on welfare... we have used it in the past... and it is there for those who really need it. I am thankful for the fact that Rich and I figured out that we really do love each other still. We almost lost each other a few years ago. I remember how close we came to him taking Hannah and moving to Ohio with his mother without me. At the time niether one of us cared. We had gotten so caught up in the funnel cloud... it was hard to focus on what was really happening around us. We were so busy trying to deal with the "stuff" of this life that had been thrown at us... we forgot how to love each other... we forgot how to live beyond the tornado. I am thankful that even though I am severly overweight... I am able to hold down a full time job on my feet every day. I pray to God every day that my health gets better and am able to enjoy a full long life with the family I have struggled so hard to keep!

The most important thing I am thankful for... is God himself. He has carried us through some rough waters (so to speak). I look back on it all now... and all I can say is "Thank you Lord... whewwwwww!"

I used to hate the fact that Rich changed his motto to "live life one day at a time"... I wanted another 5 year goal. But I have come to the conclusion that every day is a good day... and I am glad to wake up and have my family with me. We get behind on all of our bills... but somehow we make it. I pray for our finances to get better and have enough to have money left over. I love to share all of the blessings that God has given us. I give my life to him day after day after day. God is the reason we are still here... He is and always has been the protector of my life.

THE COOKIES... mmmmmmm

I promised my cousin Denise that I would give her "the cookie" recipe. This recipe is for shortbread cookies ((the best I may add))... and a wonderful dip icing that is the best ever! We used to bake these cookies in the bakery that Thelma and I had worked at... and we sold gozillians (another one of those bakery words I have spoken of) of them! At the end of the poor bakery's life... before it closed... the local hospital in town made a record cookie order. The hospital used to hold a fund raiser every year for the Children's Miracle Network every Valentines day. They would charge a dollar for each cookie... and the money went to the Network. (at least they did for the last few years that I worked at that bakery.) They were not the only ones who placed large orders on holidays... but valentine's day always seemed to be the worst next to Christmas. Well... on valentine's day the last year I worked there... the hospital called way ahead of time to "start" their order. I don't know how they did it... but they kept calling periodically and raising the amount of cookies they needed. That last valentines day... we started cutting out the shortbread cookie hearts a week or so ahead. We would let them cool... and box them up... and freeze them until the day (or two) before the order was to be picked up. The last order I ever participated in was over 2000 cookies. The manager at the bakery and I would take turns every day cutting out the cookies...(so one person wouldn't get sick of them). The day they were to be iced........ I was scheduled for an 8 hour shift..... just to ice the cookies and help package them... if I had time. Now... keep in mind... we had tons of other orders too... plus all of the tons we had to make for just the bakery. These cookies were very popular and very good. So I'm gonna share it. Why keep all the good stuff locked away in an old crusty cookbook somewhere... I say "share the love!"

Ok.... so here it is. Now remember... this cookie recipe has already been cut from a 5X or 6X batch down to a 1X batch... you will have to do some division and adjust all ingredients accordingly for just a small "homestyle" sized batch.

1X SHORTBREAD CUT OUTS

3 pounds sugar
4 pounds all purpose shortening
6 pounds pastry flour
1 ounce salt
1 pound 8 ounces whole eggs
1 ounce vanilla

Mix all ingredients in mixer until well incorporated. Roll out the cookies about 1/4 inch thick. Cut the cookies out with your favorite shaped cookie cutter. Bake at 350 degrees until slightly (only slightly) golden on the bottom egdes on parchment paper. Let them cool before moving them... and it works better to ice them if they are frozen.


WHITE FUDGE (COOKIE ICING)

10 pounds all purpose shortening
9 cans evaporated milk
50 pounds powdered sugar

*place shortening & milk in bottom of bowl
and sugar on top
MIX VERY LITTLE...1O SECONDS IN 3RD

This icing is best if kept in an air tight container in the fridge. To ice the cookies... warm the icing in a double boiler... or put it in the microwave and "watch and stir" often until it is thinner and easy to stir and it has a shine to it... do not get it too hot however. ((If you take the icing out of the fridge and it has a hard crust on the top... gently sprinkle with water and dump off excess... just to moisten the top layer slightly before heating it)). When the cookies are cooled... or frozen... stir the icing and dip the cookie top into the icing and use a flat spatula or knife edge to ease off the excess. Let the cookies stand so the icing will set up for a bit... them eat em!

I told ya they were large bakery sized recipies. Do a little of that math that you never thought you would ever need so the amount will fit into your bowl or mixer.... and make ya the best cookies in the world that will melt in your mouth!

My friend Thelma's husband, Butch, was craving some of these cookies and she needed the recipe. I have it somewhere in my spare room full of partially unpacked boxes... but I went 30 miles today to get it. The manager that I used to work with now owns his own bakery in a little town called Chewelah about 30 miles from where I live. **It is called "Go Nuts Donuts". It has a little painted donut man with red converse type sneakers on the window. Well worth stopping by if you are ever in the area.** I knew he would give it to me if I asked. My poor little toesies needed some time out... so we went down there to get it. Of course you know... I then needed one of his very delicious finger lickin good best in the entire universe apple fritters once I got there. So there Rich and I sat... each enjoying a cup of coffee and fritter... and visiting with an old friend. Not only that... when I asked for the recipe... he brought out the same old books... with the same old crust still on them!! EWWWW! His books need a clean up... but... they sure hold some of the best things inside! This is one time that the old saying is true... "Never judge a book by its cover!"

Time On My Hands...

Well... I am off from work for four days. Yesterday after work... I went in to my doctor's office and had two toenails... one from each foot... removed completely and he also killed the nailbeds chemically so they wouldn't grow back. These two toes were very bothersome. One had been damaged years ago by an evil looking toolbox full of big heavy tools that was accidentally shoved right into my bare foot and it originally ripped the toenail off... but the nail eventually grew back in strange and it hurt and was just weird. The other one was a nasty little blessing from birth that I inherited from my mother... who by the way had toenails that were just the same... only she never had trouble with hers. Anyhooo... they are gone now... and they hurt bad... but in the long run I will be happy! ((here is where I would flash a cheezy little fake teeth clenched grin!))

So... I am sitting here with time on my hands..... AND I LOVE IT! I have been looking for that cookie recipe and icing recipe for my friend Thelma... and I had to go on a 30 mile quest to get it.... and it was worth it!!! Now on payday... since she has my mouth drooling for them... I will make some for us. Yummm!

I have also been looking through all of my notebooks full of stuff I have written in the past. I came across an interesting little poem that I wrote. It's kinda neat. (cuz i wrote it... hehehe). So I thought I would share it.

Untitled

You created the universe

And all things in it.

You gave the world colors.

You decided to spin it.

You knew all of the people

From day one to armagedon.

You knew before they were born

Which way, when they die, they'd be headin'.

You thought up our memories.

You made new... all the past.

You can hear all silent voices.

You've seen our beginnings last.

You knew how we would choose

To live our own lives.

You knew who our children would be.

You knew our husbands and wives.

You gave us our hearts...

You touched them with love.

You gave us tears

Like the rain from above.

You gave us hope

Like a beacon of light.

Your Son says to you...

*They are precious in my sight.*

*Please Father, can't we just keep them all?*

*Our mansion is so grand*

*And their earth is so small*

*I would give my last dying breath*

*To make sure each one had the chance*

*To spend eternity here with us*

*Together we all could laugh, rejoice and dance!*

You wiped your tears and said to your Son...

***So be it--It was meant to be done.***

***You've suffered for all of them***

***Up there on that tree***

***You have honored all of those people***

***But moreso you have honored me***

written by: Suzii Bunting on September 9th, 2000

I have always enjoyed writing poetry. I keep a pad of paper and a pen or pencil beside my bed... (sometimes eye liner, hightlighters, crayons, markers)... and one time in a bathroom stall... it was pencil on a stream of toilet paper. I never know when the urge will hit me... but when it does... I HAVE to get it down before I forget it.

When I was in junior high and high school I went to an activity called "The Young Writer's Conference". We would submit our writings in a handmade bound notebook type thing. Writer's and teachers at Eastern Washington University would hold a conference and get us all divided into little groups... all different people from different schools in the area... and we would read our stuff and get comments on it. It was fun. They would give us advice on technique and all that technical writing stuff. I am strange. I just write what is in my heart. I cannot go by some preformed outline.

Our high school had an english teacher who realized there was an outreach for kids there... and he started a little writing contest in our school. Students would submit poetry and there would be a first prize of $30.00, second prize of $20.00 and third prize of $10.00. All the poems would then be copied and bound together into a little booklet that the students would put together and they would be handed out to other students in the school... and people in the community who wanted them. I am proud to say that I won a prize in the very first contest they had. And in the next few years that I did it... I won prizes as well. I won a first prize the first year they had it... and the lady writer from the community that had sponsored it... wrote me a letter. It was kind of cool. I don't think that I have the letter anymore... all the moving around I have done in my life... I think it got lost in the shuffle. I do still have the poems that I wrote. When I am able to dig around in my spare bedroom full of unpacked boxes...I will look for them and post some of them.

Here is one more that I would like to share with ya.

STEP INSIDE... VISIT ME HERE

I live all alone in my quiet place...

Shadows of my heart I tenderly trace.

No one understands why I speak silent and stare...

For they cannot see my thoughts when I'm there.

Deep passion and renewal come flooding my way...

Like the sweet breath of April on a breezy spring day.

Standing guard over treasures growing value with age...

My heart aches to spill on an unwritten page.

With the passing of days that turn into long years...

Time reflects hollow places that have filled with my tears.

Storing up deep inside me... I fear I may burst...

I cannot share with just anyone for fear I'll be cursed.

So for now I'll be here in my sweet quiet place...

Searching my soul... while my shadows I trace.

written by: Suzii Bunting on February 24, 2002

(my mother would have been 57 years old on feb. 28, 2002)

From the time my mom passed away... 8-9-2000..to... 6-16-2001... we had alot happen in our lives. June 16th of 2001... was the day my husband had his heart transplant. By the time July 2001 came around... Rich had three major life threatening surgeries... and I was still mourning severely for my mother. I didn't know who I was anymore. I just basically functioned through life. Rich and I didn't talk alot... just existed together in all of the turmoil that was going on around us. We fell apart from each other emotionally... yet we were close. It is really hard to explain. But inside my heart... I felt all alone. There were days at a time when I would not speak to anyone unless I absolutely had to. I cried myself to sleep every night... and alot of times during the day as well. I am so thankful now that God made Rich well enough physically to help me during my mother's death. I could not have handled it if they both had been ill at the same time. I think God knew that... because for several months before my mom died... Rich had a small burst of health... which I am very deeply grateful for and I thank God for it. I also thank God for my friend Thelma. During the emergency surgery that my husband had a month after his heart transplant... I had been experiencing SEVERE nose bleeds. I was in and out of the emergency room several times with bleeders that would NOT stop. One time even at work the ambulance had to come and get me. Thelma was not only my friend... she was my angel. She drove me down to Spokane to not only visit my husband at the hospital... but to get the veins in my nose cauterized... (I believe I had to get it done twice... but cannot recall for sure). Thelma had given up so much of her own busy schedule just to help me out during a very very stressful time in my life... and I thank God for her! She has been a blessing to me every day since I have met her. She even spent the day with me in Spokane when Rich had his Mechanical heart pump surgery... ((we sure spent alot of time in the oddest of places... didn't we Thelma?)). I have poured out my heart to her during all of that time. She willingly made herself there for me. We both now are so busy... we have to schedule time to even visit for a short time... but even tiny little emails back and forth are precious to me.

There are alot of people... and my family members... church family...(my cousin Denise... who is more like my sister)... and others in the community who have been so supportive to us. God Bless you all.