Where Is What You're Looking For?

It's kind of funny how when I am searching for something... it is usually right where I have looked a gozillian times. I have actually seen it... looked right at it... and passed right over it because my brain did not connect that it was actually there. Perhaps you have done it too. Looking for the car keys... or maybe a pair of sunglasses... in a hurry to get out the door for work... and there the keys lay... right in front of your face on the table... and the sunglasses are on your head. Yet we cannot see the things we search for because our mind is worried about being late. Our brains are in frantic mode trying to hurry to get to the destination.

That's how I have been lately with my relationship with Jesus. I feel like I have been frantically searching for him everywhere. Almost like looking around everywhere with my eyes closed. Something inside me was saying... "I have got to find him... I have got to hurry... before I am too late... "

I had to literally stop.
To find him.

I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 5 years old. I have known of him all my life. I was taught about God... "the heavenly father"... Jesus... who is God's son... and the Holy Spirit... and all of the wonderful things in the bible since I was very little. I feel like there has never been a time in my life that I have not known. Yet... here I was... stumbling around... looking for something that is right here inside me. In my soul. In my heart. My mind was busy scurrying around... not slowing down enough to realize that the voice inside my heart was saying..."Slow down... Suzii... It's me... Jesus... I am right here."

Today... I slowed down. Today I heard. Today... I am listening. Today... I will not stop listening.

I was thinking about all of the things I have learned about Jesus during the years in my life. I knew what kind of friend he could be when I was alone and friendless in school. I knew what kind of comforter he was when my family was falling apart during my parents divorce. I knew what kind of protector he was for my brothers and I when we spent some time in foster care for a short time. I knew what kind of giver he was when we always had something to eat... we never went without a meal... and a little bit of money always seemed to stretch so far. I knew what kind of healer he was when he was healing up the open wound in my Mama's left side where they took her cancer filled kidney from... even though her body was dying on the inside from the cancer... he showed me the miracle of healing. Her wound healed completely before she died. Don't ask me... "Well... if he is such a great healer... why didn't your Mama get healed of cancer?" Don't ask me that. I have asked that question more than enough times myself. Know what my answer is? It has taken me alot of years to find the answer to that one. I was shown an awesome miracle in her death. Not just in the healing of her skin... while she was yet dying. I felt what it was like to fight for someone else so hard to keep them alive. I was fighting in my soul to keep her alive. I knew Jesus was there the day she died. Call me crazy if you want to... but he was there. As the doctors brought the crash cart in... I saw the nurse climb up on the bed with my mom to give her C.P.R.... and I felt... through all of the chaotic pain of tears and breakage of my heart... I felt Jesus. My Mama was ready to go be with Jesus. I felt her want to go. I felt the urgency in which she wanted to go. I felt Jesus waiting there to take her with him to heaven. It was odd to have all of this going on in my soul while everything was going on in her ICU bed. Sitting in that room that they reserve for family... my husband, daughter, and cousin were there...(the only ones I remember being there)... I finally said out loud... "Jesus... take my Mama in your arms and take her home with you!" I immediately felt her soul leave and felt such an awesome peace. A kind of peace that is indescribable. Just as she left... the nurse stopped C.P.R. It all happened at the same time. Then the doctor came in and told me she was gone. But I already knew. I also knew Jesus was my support when my husband needed a new heart. He became my energy to keep going. There are times I cannot tell you how I got from point A to point B... I just know that I had made it. Jesus was there also when Rich and I decided to save our marriage... that we were worth saving. Jesus was there when we made the decision to pack up and leave the west coast to live here closer to Rich's mom. I know he was there... He is right here... in my heart. He has been there when I needed a job... and he knew we needed a place to live.

He still provides... He still protects... He still comforts... He still guides... He is still my friend.

He is still there... even when my mind cannot see him. I have been too busy to stop and realize. I have been hurrying too fast to try and get to the "destination". I will never make it to the place God intends for me to be spiritually, physically, and financially without Jesus. I know that there are many blessings in store for my family and I.

The bible says.. in Ephesians 4:14-19 "For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Those are the blessings I seek. To be "filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

~*~

When I hear the voice of the Lord... It is like a clap of thunder that whispers. When I seek the face of the Lord... It is like seeing an old friend again for the first time. When I search my soul... I find Jesus... in my heart... my friend... my protector... my provider... my comforter... my savior.

~*~

When things go wrong in my life... it is my own fault. I try to do things on my own. If I were just to follow God's will for my life... instead of being stubborn... I might get a lot farther along with the things I know I should be doing. God leaves me little hints along the way. Usually I am too busy to "get it". There are somethings in life that we need help with. Obedience to buckle down and do what I am supposed to do... instead of what I WANT to do... is the big thing I need help with. The task before me is going to be quite an undertaking. I have to "kill my giant"... BEFORE... I can have victory. I was trying to have the victory party first. I have been trying to ignore the giant... but he doesn't seem to go away.

~*~

If I let Jesus in on it... instead of searching around blindly... perhaps I will find what I have been searching for all these years. After all... he has been there with me through it all... and he is still here with me now. In Deuteronomy 31:8 it says... "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

I know that those words were not spoken directly to me in the bible... but I believe that the bible is full of life for us today. I believe that the words spoken so many years ago are still alive and hold strength for us to live our daily lives by. I believe that the bible... God's Word... holds many promises and blessings for us if we just seek them out.

There sat my bible... right by my bed. Right in front of my eyes. I had to just stop and look. I have looked around in alot of other places lately to find what was sitting right there on the table.

(Untitled... so far)

I sit and watch the world go by
Silently I stare
I watch you watch t.v.
In my mind I am not there

I travel to a place and time
I have not yet seen
A place inside the future
Where I have never been

I try to find the one key
That will unlock all the doors
Solving mysteries unfathomed
In the place I've never been before

No stress and no confusion
No tears and no pain
Only happiness and freedom
Through open doors I'll return again

I'll grasp the blessings flowing
Like the rain falling from the sky
Life beyond all imagination
For my loved ones and I

The time has come to call it in
The prayer of a dreaming soul
It's going to take a lot of faith
And God's hand to make me whole

I am right here inside myself
Waiting for a jump start
To find the person I should be
The dream inside my heart

To be given such a vision
Of a life only God can create
Excitement builds up in me
So why do I hesitate

In God's eyes I am worthy
In His eyes my dreams make sense
The once almost dying ember
With God's breath becomes intense

I search around daily
In my heart I hope I find
The courage to take that first step
To making my future mine

I cannot stand the thought
Of my dreams being given away
To some other seeking searching soul
Who happens along the way

When I get to heaven... kneeling at His throne...

When God asks me what I had done...

With all of the dreams He gave to me...

I want to hold my head up high
Giving Him all the praise and glory
Then I will sit by the ocean's shore with Him
And read to Him my story

Written by Suzii Bunting on December 22, 2007 sitting here at my computer staring at a blank post page

Seek... and You Really Shall Find It....

Once again this year... the wonder of Christmas spirit fell heavy on my heart.

For me... that warm and fuzzy feeling doesn't come from "Black Friday"... It doesn't come from beating the old lady out of the cheapest pair of socks at the department store... it doesn't come from getting the last computer during the 5 hour mad blast sale that only really lasts 10 minutes.

It does not come from putting up a Christmas tree... it doesn't come from the twinkly lights and stuff hanging from it's branches. Even though in my house... each ornament is special... some I have from when I was a child... some from when my brothers were little... some from when my daughter was a baby... I even have a few old crayon icicles left that my Mama made us when we didn't have enough money to buy ornaments. One year... close to when my Mama passed away... I did cry when I found those crayons... two pieces of red yarn were taped to each side of the crayon and tied in a bow about two inches from the top of the crayon. Out of a box of 24... through the years... I only managed to end up with about 4 or 5. Still tied in bows by my Mama's own hands... still hanging on my tree like little colored icicles... symbolizing happiness during sometimes not so happy times. (I think a couple of them got colored with... the tips are not as sharp!)

Working in a store as a cake decorator... kind of takes the fun out of holidays. Holidays in a bakery are alot of hard work! If you have never worked in one... you would never understand it... but it can get absolutely crazy! You would be surprised how many little old ladies come in and say... "I need to order some of my homemade holiday bread... so my family won't be upset that I forgot to bake it!"

I always wonder where I will get my Christmas spirit from. Don't get my wrong... I love the lights and the baked goods and seeing a beautifully wrapped gift waiting anxiously for it's intended new owner to give it a little shake before tearing it open! But... I refuse to let myself forget what the true meaning of Christmas is.

Christmas is meant for celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ... my savior! And how does one get a warm and fuzzy feeling from anything other than something that comes from the Lord?

Every year it happens. I wonder what will happen to make me find that feeling. You know the feeling I am talking about... and if you don't... I pray some day you do find it! It is the feeling that comes over you when something special happens to make you realize that God is wonderful and he has blessed you beyond any monetary amounts in any bank account. You could be the poorest person in the world... and still be richly blessed by his love.

I noticed more about myself and having difficulty finding the Christmas spirit after my Mama passed away. It has been alot harder to find joy in material things since not having her around to give a hug to. She is not gone from my life. I feel her presence in my heart and mind every single minute of every single day... but to know that her physicalness is no longer here to call up and just say Hi to... is hard.

My daughter, Hannah, knows all about my dilemma during this time of year. For me it is a big deal. What happens if the big day... December 25th rolls around some time... and I still have not had that feeling? Something will be desperately wrong! I equate it to eagerly seeking out God with all my heart and soul... because He is the reason to give joy for the holiday!

Hannah always asks me when something Christmasey happens... "Did you find it yet mom?" Usually my reply is... "Not yet... but you will know when I do." This year... being in our new place here in a new state... has been strange... less strange I guess than just being unfamiliar. So... we put up our tree... Hannah said... "Did you find it yet?" "Nope" She bought all new colored icicle lights and put them up on our porch... "Did you find it yet?" "Nope"..... I tell her all the time that it takes something special... and I can't just make myself find it. I never know where it will be coming from.

One year... it was on January 4th. Rich had almost died on Christmas eve in 1996 from congestive heart failure. ALMOST died. God wasn't ready for him yet. Hannah was at my mom's house. She was about 8 years old. I went down to the hospital to get him... but she did not know it yet. She thought he was still in the hospital. She knew we were waiting to have Christmas when her daddy got home. She wanted a bike so bad that year... so waiting... was hard. We hid the bike 15 miles away at a friends house... so she had no clue. Anyways... I had gone down to the hospital to get him. I took him home and turned on the Christmas tree lights. I got him all settled in on the end of the couch that was kind of hidden by the tree when you first walked in the door. Then... I went to my mom's and picked her up. She was tired and it was late... so I told her to go in and get in her jammies and get ready for bed and we would go to the hospital the next day to see if daddy could come home yet. Before I had gone to get him...earlier in the day I had gone to get her bike. I put her bike up in the kitchen with a big bow on it. She walked through the door... looked at the tree and said something about wishing daddy would come home so we could have Christmas with him. She walked right past the tree and headed toward her room. Then from behind the tree... Rich said his famous... "Ho Ho Ho... Merry Christmas!"

The look in her eyes... and the love in that room that cold January 4th night... was the Christmas spirit.

Another year it was on December 8th that I found it. We had just moved to Newport Oregon. I had not seen my twin brothers since my Mama's funeral. Chris had some leave time from the military and he and Don decided to spend some time with me and my family. They only had one day... basically about 24 hours. Don had brought his new wife Jessica whom we had not met yet. It was truly one of the best days of my life! They spent the night... we made the ultimately best vegetarian spaghetti ever... and spent some time on the beach the next day after having breakfast together. I will hold that day in my heart for as long as I live. I have not seen my brothers since then.

This year I wondered and watched and waited to see what would make my Christmas spirit come. It came from somewhere I would have never expected it. That's what makes me love finding it so much! I was at work. I was decorating a white cake with peachy colored roses. We have a group of mentally challenged adults that come in once in a while with their caregiver. They always come back to the bakery to get one of our free cookies that we hand out to the kids. We had iced Christmas trees to hand out that day. I said... "Wow! We have Christmas trees today!" Their eyes got so excited and they clapped their hands and were so happy they were getting special cookies. There was only two men that had come with the caregiver this day. Usually there are about 5 or 6 men and women. I gave them their cookies and they said "Thank you!"

The one man there always asks if Brittany is working. He thinks that Whitney is Brittany. I smiled and said that Whitney was in the back working hard. He said... "Brittany is working hard." Then he said to my other co worker... "You are Mary right?" She smiled at me. I said... "Her name is Donna." He said... "Donna! That's right... Donna!" Then he asked me... "Is your name Brittany?" I said... "No... my name is Suzii" He said... "Suzii" His caregiver said... "Come watch and see what she is doing to this cake... watch... she is going to make a flower out of icing." He came over and was watching from the other side of the glass. I made each rose and then showed him them before I took them off of the rose nail... then I showed him how I cut it off the nail with scissors... and then put it on the cake. Then I turned the cake around and showed it to him. He stood there like a fascinated child... eating his Christmas cookie... and watching in amazement.

Then it happened. I did not expect it. And it brought me to tears. I started to make another rose... and he said... "My mom used to do that" I said... "She did? Your mom used to make cakes?" He said... "My mom used to do that... but she's in heaven now."

I instantly got chills all over my body... yet my heart felt warm just like it had been hugged.

I looked up from my rose and said..."So is mine! My mama's in heaven too!" I had a lump in my throat... I was going to tell him that my Mama used to make cakes too... but I could not talk. I had tears welling up in my eyes and I smiled at the caregiver. She said to them... "Let's go and we will come back again to watch sometime." I heard him tell her as they walked away... "My mom used to do that."

My Christmas spirit was especially warming in my heart this year. I will never forget. I have such a heart for people who are mentally challenged... they are so strong to live life and just be who they are. They have no choice in the matter. Some... like little children in a grown up body... whose excitement for the day might come from the trip to the local grocery store for a free cookie. I wonder if they know that they have touched my soul?

Wanting More Of God...

I want my words to speak life to myself and others. My mind thinks of all of the ways I would say things to come out positive... and my tongue fouls me up all the time. You know the saying... "You are what you eat"? Well... it is more a true statement that you are what you speak.

It is difficult sometimes to hear myself. My mouth just blurts out things... just stuff. I don't know what it is about my brain that I don't think and analyze what I say before I say it. I believe that what we say... the power of words... it is HUGE! If we feel like we have a stuffy nose... and we say... "Oh... I must be getting a cold... I feel so miserable..."....... you will feel miserable. Sometimes you do feel miserable.

But what is all the "speaking life" stuff all about?

I am a simple person. Not simple as in stupid... or unable to learn. Just simple. When I ask God stuff in prayer... I don't fluff coat things. I just talk. I am sure that God likes to just hear people talk to him. I know that the bible says stuff about asking, receiving blessings... etc. There are alot of words around it all... telling a story... a true story of real things that the Lord has for us to receive.

I believe in every word the bible has in it... although I have not read every single word there written.

What brings me to the next level?

I had a word spoken to my heart. Many years ago there were things said to me in prayer... by several different people... all saying about the same things about me and what the Lord has in store for me. I recently had a word spoken... that I have been mulling around in my heart and mind.

This is what it was... give me a listen here a second...

"The deeper things of God come for people that really search for them. The deeper things. You've gone deep but you haven't gone as deep as I want you to go. Sometimes it doesn't work out the way it's supposed to... yeah... but it isn't over yet. I want you to know that. I've heard every prayer you've ever prayed. I've kept every word you've ever spoke to me at my throne. You mark my word... Now I'll speak my word to you... It will come to pass... don't worry about time... time has nothing to do with you."

Ok... so....

How do I seek out those "deeper" things? How do I ask God to help me out here? See... I usually just tell him that he has to show me and tell me things in plain english... right in front of my face... I cannot see through all the "fluff"... so-to-speak. I have been able to speak to the Lord all my life... I feel this is different. It really shouldn't be though. I just don't want to say something dumb and mess up by saying something 'stupid'.

Good grief... that itself... sounds stupid.

I want so badly to have a deeper relationship with the Lord. I want to feel his presence all the time... as I have felt in certain times in the past. I don't want to forget what feeling his presence feels like.

When God is in the house... PEOPLE KNOW IT! I want that high speed connection with the Lord! My friend would tell me... "pray about it."... or "just read God's word".... all good... VERY good advice... but I don't want to say something stupid.

I guess since God made me... he knows that I need simplicity... to be able to discern things easily... he knows I put things right into my heart. He is in my heart. I wish he would just come and sit with me and have a cup of coffee and talk about stuff with me. I miss talking about stuff. Just typing "I miss talking about stuff"... brings a tear to my eye.

Speaking of stuff... I have alot swirling around in my mind. I've done a little more writing. My heart has several books written... my pen seems to be out of ink though. Do I have to know those... "deeper things"... before I can find my ink?

Any thoughts ???