It Is Better To Give... Than To receive...

"Life is God's gift to you... What you do with that life is your gift to God." ~Jesse Duplantis~
I am going to write a book for God. (Maybe more than one!) It (They) will glorify him in all ways. It (They) will touch the lives of others and be an inspiration to them. I will speak to people about how God has touched my life in all ways. I will endure and overcome all my physical ailments and have perfect health. I will be prosperous and debt free. I will keep my eyes on the Lord, and my heart will belong to Jesus until the day I am called home. My family and I will be blessed and we will be blessings to others. Satan will hear my name and my family's names and run and hide from us because we will be standing on the word of God in all ways. I will strive to be worthy to enter the kingdom of God at the end of my days... knowing that in all honesty... that only by the grace of God will I even possibly come close to being worthy. I will fulfill my vows to God. My life... is a gift from God... I give him my soul in return.

Psalm 109:26&27

"Help me, O Lord my God; save me in accordance with your love. Let them know that it is your hand, that you, O Lord, have done it."

My Daughter's "Bwokin Wagun"

I have talked my daughter Hannah into starting her own blog. You can view it at www.mybwokinwagun.blogspot.com She is 17, very funny, and my best of the best friend in the whole wide world. I love it when she shares her "bwokin wagun" with me! She is just getting started... and I am looking forward to her thoughts on life.

Need Some Fillin' Up... Be Back Soon...

I am not sure that I will post anything for a couple of days. My soul needs some "God lovin'." When I sit here and all that come out are tears... I know it's time to take a break. Be blessed.

Why Am I Here?

When I first started my blog, it's main purpose was to heal some inner hurts I had when I was growing up. As I struggled through getting my thoughts out, the healing came, and I was able to move on to other things to write about. What I have realized through this time is... the only reason I have made it through the things in my life that I have... is by the grace of God. I give him all the thanks and glory for every breath that I take. I am not ashamed of who I am in Christ.

I enjoy sharing my life as a Christian with whoever will listen. Even though I am the farthest from perfect, I am in a constant state of learning about God and what he means to my life. God is so good to me. I would never hesitate to call on him during times of trouble.

To encourage others, and be encouraged is a wonderful thing. It always helps to confirm my faith to hear the wonderful things that God is doing in other people's lives.

I need some feedback on some previous posts... just to calm my curiosity as to what others would have to say about them... their opinions... their feelings. The following posts, and a few others, were my main reason for even starting this blog... to heal from past hurts... read them if you feel like it... leave your thoughts if you want... and thank you for coming by my blog to share in my life.

Posts:
4/03/05
4/05/05
4/07/05
4/10/05
4/12/05
4/16/05
4/30/05
5/06/05

These previous posts... were my main reason for starting this blog. To heal and put closure on some of the events in my life that I held deep in my soul for many many years.

I hope your day is blessed. I hope that God touches your day and brings you peace and comfort in all that you do.

Jesus Comforts His Disciples
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in god; trust also in me. In my father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going." John 14:1-4

Is this not the ultimate goal of life?

And I say about my own self... "Dear God, am I worthy? Have I lived my life worthy of spending eternity in heaven?"

I Don't Really Know WHAT To Say...

Well... what do I say? My cousin (Denise)... who's blog can be viewed at http://pharoahstreasure.blogspot.com/ I think she thinks I am personally attacking her for her being a Muslim. I am not. For me, being a Christian, condemning her and her husband for their beliefs would be wrong. Each person on this earth... has the right to believe and be anything they choose. Because of my faith as a Christian, I have the right to pray for people, people who are Christians, people who have other faiths, people who have no religion or faith at all. My heart desires for each person to be happy with who they are... and to be open hearted enough to accept me and my beliefs... just as I should be with them. If my cousin, Denise, feels like she is being personally attacked by the things I write about... then I am truly sorry. Yes, I pray for her and her husband. I pray for their souls. I pray for them to be happy. I pray for them to think of life in every positive aspect that they can. I pray for their success in this country. I pray for the souls of EVERY family member of mine. I have twin brothers, who have been raised as a Christian, who are not practicing any religion at all. I have a dad, and his wife... I pray for them... I don't know where their hearts are. If I were to choose... I would have every single family member of mine... join me in heaven... and I pray that I too, am worthy enough to go there. My cousin Denise, has a brother... who basically has disowned our family. I pray for him and his wife and kids also. My uncle and aunt (Denise's mom and dad)... they are in my prayers. I pray for my step mother's kids... and their children. I pray for my husband's family... his mother, who has been shunned by one too many church... his grandmother, who is close to no longer being here on this earth... his brothers and their families. I pray for all of their souls. When I speak of my beliefs in God and my love for Jesus... it comes from MY heart... where I have MY faith... where I have MY sense of religion. I have founded my beliefs on Christianity. That is MY choice. I love my cousin and her husband, Karim, with all my heart. Just as I do the rest of my family. How they all choose to live and believe is just that... THEIR CHOICE. When the day of judgment comes... AND IT WILL COME... it will not be me asking whether or not their lives are worthy. Each one of us will stand alone... and account for our lives and what we have done with them. I have the right to pray for any and all souls that I want to. We have the rights to disagree... but... we do not have the choice of whether or not to love one another. I do love you, Denise (and Karim), and if you cannot accept me for what I am... then I am truly sorry. I am also sorry if you do not understand where I am coming from. I will never be sorry for being a Christian. I choose not to learn of other religions... that does not make me a bad person... it is simply how I want to be. I am not... and have never... been the type of person to put down anyone of any other faith. As far as my husband goes... he believes in God. It is personal between him and God. He chooses not to speak of it. He is, however, very open to speaking his mind. He is also the type... that if he is put down... he can wash his hands of the whole thing and think not another thing of it. That is how HE is. Each one of us has our own qualities... our own beliefs... our own thoughts... our own hearts... our own souls. So when I ask... Where do YOU stand with God? What does that mean to you?

My cousin, Denise and I, have been the best of friend all our lives. More like sisters than cousins. Nothing will ever change that. If she chooses to have that be different because our religions don't "mesh"... then that too... will be her choice... not mine. My mother taught me a quality that isn't taught by many. She taught me how to love people unconditionally. It may hurt me in the long run... but I do love people... unconditionally.

Denise wrote me an email today. I responded the best I knew how. I hope she does not read into it things that are not supposed to be read into it. Mostly what I wrote was through choking back tears. I hope she will read this post and understand how I feel a little better. I don't know what else to say. Forgive me if I wronged you... love me for who I am... and find mutual respect for how each of us has chosen to believe. I don't have to agree with you all the time... same as you don't have to agree with me all of the time. We have the right to disagree...

There is nothing that you can do... that will change my love for you. Gonna have to try really hard... but it won't happen. If you choose to never speak to me again because we cannot agree on how we believe... then so be it... but I will always pray for you... and Karim.

"No Other Gospel"...

I really have a heart for these scriptures that I am about to post. For me personally, there is no other word of God, and my faith is based completely on Christianity. My love for Jesus Christ flows through every cell of my being. He is the ONLY way to eternity in heaven.

I have family members that I pray for daily. There are actually many people praying for them as well. Some know, and have been raised, by the word of God and Christian beliefs... and are not living by it at all. Some are being misled by other 'gospels' and religions... and are trying... (I feel) to find a peace in their souls.

I am not condemning my family members AT ALL. On the contrary, I am keeping them diligently in prayer.

"I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel - which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even if we or and angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned! As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned!

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:6-10

I know that every individual person has free will to chose and decide for themselves their spiritual following. For me... as a child of God... being saved by Jesus Christ... it is my purpose and desire to stand for them in prayer and keep a constant vigil to the Holy Spirit so that maybe... just maybe... their souls may be touched by the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I know that for some... maybe being born into a different religion is all they know. I believe that their hearts can be opened and touched by Jesus and the truth of God's word will be revealed to them. I believe that the veil of untruth can be lifted and each their hearts can be made willing to accept Jesus Christ as their savior.

Angel Butts...

We have a friend that owns an orchard along the Columbia River in Kettle Falls. We went to her fruit stand the other day... and bought some of the first picks of peaches and angel butts...(apricots). Oh My GoodNess! Talk about sweet! And... so juicy... that you better eat the peaches standing over the sink... or wear a bib... or you will have juice dripping down your chin... all over your cheeks... and from your fingers to your elbows!

Only one thing compares to the freshest of fresh fruit like that... and that was my Grandfather's apricot tree in his backyard and the memories I had there when I was a child. My two cousins and I used to play in his backyard in Southern California as children. We used to run around in his sprinkler with just our undies on. The little Mexican children that lived in the neighborhood... used to hang on the chain link fence and watch us. I wonder if they thought that we were really strange... or if they too wished they could join us in the sprinkler... to be relieved from the summer heat.

The "angel butts" used to get so ripe and so huge on that tree that they would just beg to be picked by our little hands! They were so sweet... and the juice ran like turning on a faucet down our arms and dripped off of our elbows into the dirt by our bare feet. By the time we had our fill of the branches that bowed to us so as to be within our reach... we were covered in a sweet and muddy layer of summer that I will never be able to forget.

Our tummies full... we would resume playing in the sprinkler... (mostly to get clean)... and to frolic in the coolness of water being splashed on our innocent childhood memories.

Wide Awake At 2:30 a.m. (ugh)

I was sleeping so good... until I woke up. Darn it anyways! I really don't like nights like tonight. Bedroom too hot... then too cold... then hot again. Every time the dog moves... his tags "tinkle tinkle" as he shakes the wrinkles out of his ears... waking me up... and his pawing at a blanket to try to find comfort is cute... but annoying.

I decided a cup of hot peppermint tea would settle my stomach... and I decided to put it in one of my mother's old coffee cups... the one I would use, had I been sitting at her house on a saturday morning for a visit. Things always taste just a little sweeter, a little better, in that cup.

I also decided to read some of the postings of those I enjoy reading the postings of. I have not yet ventured into any new blogs of late. It seems I could go on forever... and my family would be jealous of my time being spent staring at a computer screen all day. I am dedicately habitual in reading those I have noticed so far... and enjoy them a great deal.

My tea has cooled off from it's state of boil... so it can finally be enjoyed without putting blisters all over my mouth.

As I sit here in the dark of my house... I am accompanied by the click of the keyboard... the sound of occasional vehicles across the valley on their journey to an unknown by me destination... the humming bubbles of four immaculately kept and beautiful fish tanks of my husband's hobby... the whir of fans from the bedrooms lulling my family to sleep.

I like to think of the distant sound of the cars... like the sound that the ocean makes. It is similar... believe it or not. I miss hearing the foghorn from the bay... but do get to hear seagulls occasionally in a parking lot in town. They must be in transit... or on a joyride flight across country. Maybe they get bored by the seashore and want to spread their wings and see new things.

I laid in bed thinking of my family. There aren't many of us left. I wondered and prayed that they were all okay. I prayed for them to have peace in their lives... and security... and love... and friendship... and prosperity.

I can see across the valley the slight beginnings of what would be the coming of the day. The mountains are defined by an ever so slight tinge of what is going to be a cloudless sunrise. I hope that today won't be quite as hot as it has been. Maybe I should get my requests in early... and ask God for a nice cool breeze to last all day today... so as to find relief in the sweltering heat of summer.

Speaking of sweltering heat... one of Hannah's friends that she has been babysitting for, Christina, went out the other day and bought herself a brand new $200.00 air conditioner. Her old one was "working just fine... but dripping" on the inside of her house. We asked her what she was going to do with her old one that was sitting outside on her porch. She said that she was just going to throw it away... and we could have it if we wanted it. Enough said... it was in the trunk and on it's way to our hot box of a house. Hannah and Rich brought it in the house... we cleaned it up... took the front panel off... and cleaned 100 years worth of dust and dust and more dust off of the coils... and it works like brand new. No "leaking". Do air conditioners leak? Apparently this one did. Maybe it just needed a good cleaning to keep condensation from building up... who knows. ((the dog... yesterday... slept on the arm of the couch... right in front of the cold air coming from it... no more "dog days of summer" for him!)) What a blessing! One mans trash is another mans treasure... to be sure! It goes in the window either today... or tomorrow...depending on time and fundage to buy a support system for it to hang out one of our windows.

Well... my tea is pretty well cool. My leg has got a really wonderful (not!) throb going on... and the sunrise is a twinge brighter. I am feeling the urge to head back to bed to see if I can find a few more winks somewhere left in my pillow. It is now 4:20 a.m. (time flies when you are having fun)

Be blessed throughout your day today. Know that God wants you to spend a little time with him today as well. Thank you for reading this... I hope it doesn't put you to sleep!!! LOL! (ahhhhh.... sleep)

A fellow blogger left a scripture on one of my comments that I really needed to hear... "Be still and know that I am God"... I think those are words to live by.

Good night-ish.

I Say... Play On!

I love it when a good country song glorifies God. It's kind of funny that people are trying to take God out of the "state" of this country... when this country is founded on God. "They" are taking God out of schools... trying to take God out of our hearts and minds... trying to make us forget about who created us... and then comes along something to glorify God... being played on a secular radio station. I love it! A lot of people do not like country music... and that is ok with me... I don't care... you have that right. I do care though... when people are brave enough to stand up for God in a non-christian world.

JOSH TURNER LYRICS

"Long Black Train"

There's a long black train comin' down the line,

Feeding off the souls that are lost and cryin'.

Rails of sin, only evil remains.

Watch out, brother, for that long black train.

Look to the heaven's, you can look to the sky.

You can find redemption staring back into your eyes.

There is protection and there's peace the same:

Burnin' your ticket for that long black train.

'Cause there's victory in the Lord, I say.

Victory in the Lord.

Cling to the Father and his Holy name,

And don't go ridin' on that long black train.

There's an engineer on that long black train,

Makin' you wonder if the ride is worth the pain.

He's just a-waitin' on your heart to say:

"Let me ride on that long black train."

But you know there's victory in the Lord, I say.

Victory in the Lord.

Cling to the Father and his Holy name,

And don't go ridin' on that long black train.

Well, I can hear the whistle from a mile away.

It sounds so good but I must stay away.

That train is a beauty makin' everybody stare,

But its only destination is the middle of nowhere.

But you know there's victory in the Lord, I say.

Victory in the Lord.

Cling to the Father and his Holy name,

And don't go ridin' on that long black train.

I said cling to the Father and his Holy name,

And don't go ridin' on that long black train.

Yeah, watch out brother for that long black train.

That devil's drivin' that long black train.

Trust in the Lord... and Be Blessed...

I haven't written anything in a couple of days. I have actually started posts... but as time failed me... they were saved as a draft... and deleted this morning. I guess you could say that I have had alot to say... but my thoughts on everything have been a little misplaced and unorganized.

I spent two and a half days just trying to get through work. I actually was able to work two and a half shifts this week. Yesterday, my ankle decided to get the best of me. I went to the doctor again. My leg was wrapped in this tight sticky stuff that got tighter as it dried... (some sort of compression thing). The pain stopped me dead in my tracks in the bakery right next to the sinks. So... I am off work again for at least another 10 days... until I see the doctor again. But hey!!! I am alive! I am extremely grateful for each breath I take. And... I am still believing in a complete healing... and I will patiently wait for it!

I would like to take this time off to get my body, heart, mind and soul working all in the same direction of what God wants for me. When someone hurts, it seems like all they are able to concentrate on is the pain. Pain overtakes... and I despise that! Pain can be physical, mental, spiritual, or even a deep soulful pain. Well... I am going to give all my cares to the Lord. Because if I dwell on them, I will go nuts and be miserable. The stresses of this world are not worth ruining your life and making the lives around you miserable as well.

We were stressing yesterday about our finances. It is going to be next to impossible for US to figure out how we are going to make it through me being off work. I do know, however, that with God... ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. I know that we will make it. We have been through alot worse than this, and have come out on top. The Lord has been so faithful in providing for us... and for that I am extremely thankful.

We have had to fight and struggle for years to just survive. We now have the ability to sit back and meditate on all that we have learned during those times. It is quite a blessing to see where we have been and what we have been through. Sometimes people get caught up in misery and they stay there. I believe that the love of God can bring you through any situation and he raises you up, helps you "pull up your bootstraps" so to speak, and gets you prepared for whatever else may come your way. But... you have to be willing to let God take over... and do it HIS way.

His way is perfect... and unlike us... he knows what he is doing.

I believe that we are in the last days... and people are struggling... and are quick to pass judgment on those we don't agree with. I think that is what brings about hate and violence and animosity. It is Satan's way of trying to take over the earth. He is the author of all confusion and evil. He is like a virus in a computer... eating away at all that is good. God is like the ultimate virus protection. Having Jesus Christ as your lord and savior... will bring you through the misery of this world safely and make you able to hold your head high... and bring you to an eternal life... beyond the death of this world... in heaven. Jesus... is the ONLY way. THAT is MY opinion.

May peace and blessings be in your life... and may the love of God penetrate your soul and gently urge you to want what is good and holy. To accept no other God... and believe wholly on his word... so that your name may be written in the book of life.

"Wa Wa WaWa Wa..." (Random thoughts... no pattern)

Do you ever go through your day... and everyone that is talking around you sounds like the "grownups" on the old Charlie Brown cartoons? Today was that day for me.

"Blah... blah blah blaaah... blah blah." "Wa Waa... wa wawa...?" "Blah...blah blah blah.... blahblah.... blaaah blah blah?" "Wa Wa Wa Wa Wa!!!" "Blah blahblah... blahblahblaah... blaaaah... blah blah." "Wawaaaa Wa... wa wa wa... Waaa wa wawa."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... plthplthplthplthplthplthplthplth......ffffffffffffffffffffffpop

I never wrote anything yesterday I see. Hmmmmm. Musta been tired. Made it through two full days of work so far. Had dinner with my Aunt Dorcille last night. (Quite a feat in itself on a work night!) ((Ankle still bothering me... but I gotta keep my household running... so I gotta suck up the pain... and suck down more anti-inflammatory and pain pills))

I think the lady at work who does the cakes 5 days a week does a fantabulous job. I never criticize her work... and there have been some techniques and things that I have actually learned from her. She has learned some things from me as well. BUTTTTT... A couple months ago... she did a display wedding cake...(right before wedding season)... that was horrible. I really think she was in a big hurry to just put something up there. Unfortunately... we had alot of bad comments on it. ((I hope she never heard them))...... so............today... I made a new display wedding cake. Looked so nice. Light peach colored with white lacy look all over the top with ruffles and peach roses. ((much nicer to the eyes than dark red, white and dark blue roses)).... got lots of nice comments on it today... made me feel good.

I've been thinking about the terrorist things that have been happening all over the world. I am not political at all. I don't know much about politics... nor do I understand stuff like that much. I do read other people's blogs about it... try to understand... form somewhat of an opinion in my mind... and never goes much further than that. Today... however... I wanna say something. I dislike all of the fear that terrorists try to put into people's minds. I don't care who you are... or where you live... terrorism can strike anywhere. No one is "protected" from it. I dislike the people who live in this country...(that I love and have a large amount of pride in being a citizen here)... and they complain and complain about the way things are in this country. Why stay here if you are so unhappy? I, myself, feel a little bit safer in a country that at least tries to defend itself when OUR PEOPLE were killed without notice on 9-11. I live thousands of miles away from New York when the planes crashed into the world trade center and all of those people died a horrible horrible death... but MY HEART CRIED. That happened to my family! Honest, hard working, fellow Americans who also had that same pride in this country... became my family the day the towers fell. Yes... bombings in other countries are just as horrible. They should never be allowed to happen. Unfortunately, we have no control over out of control people. Don't you dare live in this country and complain to me about life here. Life is what you make of it! Don't you dare live in this country and play the race card to me... I don't want to hear it! If you live your life thinking that everyone hates you because you "look" different than the average American... then they WILL! There are nasty white people in this country... there are nasty black people in this country... there are nasty people of every color and race in this country. If you are a good person (race and color aside)... then... appreciate what you have... no matter how bad it may seem... stop moaning and groaning and be proud that you live in a country that our young men and women would be more than happy to go to battle at a moments notice...and put their lives on the line... to keep your butt free!

Ok... that said... I hate politics.

We were hoping that my mother-in-law was "the one" in Ohio who one the Mega Millions Jackpot of $170million. *Sigh... she wasn't* So... because I can't tell you that she WAS the winner.... I will tell you about the time she ALMOST WAS the winner. This makes me physically ill every time I hear it... and talk about it. Rich's mom owns mail routes. She employs a man... (who is more like family than anything)... who drives her routes for her. She is a hard core lottery player. She actually has a calendar with the winning numbers written down on it... and she picks her numbers ((by some unknown to me system)) and goes down and buys her lottery tickets. She wins alot of money sometimes... it just totally amazes me. Anyways... Sonny... (her driver)... and her take turns buying the tickets... playing the same numbers all the time. Nanny...(Rich's grandma)... knows what their numbers are... and if they are at work... or busy... she will check the numbers for them sometimes. One night... about 5 years ago or so... Nanny turned the t.v. on and realized that every single number picked was exactly the same as their numbers!! She was SO excited!! She told Marcy (Rich's mom) and asked her if she had bought the tickets that time or if Sonny had bought them. Marcy said that it wasn't her turn to buy them... so she promptly got on the phone to Sonny to make sure he kept the tickets safe because they won!! Sonny... with just a few quiet words... made Marcy's heart sink completely under her feet. "I thought it was your turn to buy them..." he said. 3 million dollars slipped right through their fingers... and they never even had a chance to touch it! My mother-in-law said that she was physically ill and sobbed with her head on the kitchen table for hours and hours. Doesn't it make ya wanna cry?

I hope all of you are having a wonderful Sunday. I sang praise and worship songs to my Father in heaven today while I was "in transit" back and forth to work. I really wish I could have supper at Jesus' house tonight. I bet his house is really awesome!

I'm kinda tired. Having all this time off... sleeping in... staying up late... really takes it's toll on ya! ;-)

I think I will make an apple pie tonight... 'pending on how many apples I have left. If I had them... I would put caramels in it and make a... (you guessed it)... caramel apple pie. MMMMM... diet? NO! No... don't think I have heard of that before.... LOL!!! (Just kidding)

Ok... I hope ya'll have a great start to your week tomorrow. Bye Bye... Come again... please put your empty popcorn containers in the trash receptacles outside the door... bye bye now... bye bye... see ya later... hasta la vista, baby!

Heart's Desires...

If you all have read some of my previous posts... you know that I love clouds and rain and wind and a good storm makes me want to run around outside and play in the mud puddles... get soaked... then just sit out in the yard and watch it all... kind of like being touched by God... in a wet sort of way!!!

You also might already know that I hate being hot. A fat lady like me...(who would hate being hot as a skinny lady)... really enjoys cool weather. The past week we have had dry heat in the upper 90's. YUCK!!! My friend, Thelma, always asks me when we have a good storm... "Did you pray for this again?" I usually reply... "Oh prolly!" (with a sheepish grin slathered across my face).

Well... today... I woke up to those glorious strokes of shaded grays blanketing the summer sky!!! Today... is an awesome day! It is about 70 degrees! It rained a little. Everything smells... SO GOOD!

Hey... what can I say? Someone has to like the rain... right? I know people that despise the rainy days. They want full on hot sunshine. There is nothing wrong with that... if you are in somewhere where it is airconditioned! 5 days of solid heat... is well worth having a couple days of glorious grays! Kind of like God... is sketching with pencils!!

When we lived in Newport, Oregon... I used to love to watch a dense fog roll in. Everything would get so quiet. Like... shhhhh... look at what God made. You could feel the fog on your cheeks. You could hear the foghorn from the bay. I miss that. My family misses it too. We had such an awesome time there.

It is not that I regret moving back to Washington... but I do question sometimes. I believe that God has had a hand in our lives as to where we have lived. There is a reason we were brought back to Washington. I'm not sure what it is yet... but there is one. I was out of a job in Newport... and I have one here. Rich's original heart transplant doctors are here... and that is a comfort to him. Hannah gets to graduate next year in the schools that she started out in.

I know that Rich misses his family. He was born and raised in the southeast corner of Ohio... in a little ((and I mean little)) "village~town" called Beallsville. I say village town... because I don't even know if it is big enough to be called a town! He hasn't been "back home" for about 10 years now. The last time we went back for a visit was when Hannah was about 7 or 8. She was in his brother's wedding. She is now 17. Rich's mom has come to visit us twice in that time. Once was when he was in the hospital getting his mechanical heart pump surgery. The second time was 2 years after his transplant when we lived in Newport.

He keeps talking about how much he cannot stand all of the pine trees around here. I know what he longs for. He longs for the rolling hills of "bushy trees". He longs to see the humidity hanging like a fog over the countryside. He longs to drive down the highway along the Ohio River and see the sights from his youth. He longs to go fishing in that old man's pond... somewhere back behind his mom's house in some farmland... that I have yet to see. He longs to help his mom out with things around the house. To mow her yard...and the field across the "holler" with her big tractor mower so she doesn't have to anymore. To see Nanny before she is taken to heaven. To be an uncle to his nieces and nephews. To be a brother. To be a son. He longs to have dinner with his mom once in a while. To have iced tea on her back porch on a hot summer evening and watch the fireflies and run down over the bank of her yard and watch the evening primrose open up for the night. He longs to watch the planes at night fly over the sky.... there are a gozillian of them because she is under a major air traffic area. He wants to go to the "Fish Market" in Wheeling, West Virginia and get the best tasting fish sandwich thrown to you in a brown paper bag! (kind of an odd thing... but they are good!!) He longs to stick his feet in the creekbeds that trickle through the hills. He longs to drive the long and winding roads that buckle from having tunnels of old coal mines deep below their surface. He longs... to spend Christmases with his family. He has not spent Christmas with his mother since he was about 18. He is 41 now.

I am not completely sure... but I think my heart is telling me that sometime... we may be moving eastward. There are other Supercenter Walmarts around there... I am sure I would be able to transfer. I have asked Rich... when he stares off across the valley... which faces towards the east... "Where would you pick to live if we ever moved again?" He quietly looks off to the east and says... "My home is with you." I ask him if he missed Newport, Oregon. He says "Yes... some things." I ask him if he is happy being back here in Washington. He says, "I am glad you have a good job here that we needed. And my doctors are here." I agree with those two things... but there is something else there that he is thinking... I know it... I can feel it.

We lived here before... because my mama was still alive. He wanted me to be near her. He gave up spending his life with his family... by his choice... so that I could be around mine. Then he got sick... and we are both thankful that he had such awesome doctors to take care of all the things he needed for so many years. Then, we chose as a family, to move to Oregon for a fresh start together... which we all loved... ((but was a huge dream for me because of my love for the ocean)). Here is my dilemma... and I know that I shouldn't think of things this way... but... Rich isn't going to be around forever. ((I know... I know... we could all wake up tomorrow and not wake up))... but... don't you think it would be fair... to be able to spend some time with Rich's family... while he... and they...are still around? Don't you think I should pray about it? My heart feels kind of like I need to get him there. I am uncertain about it all. And... I hate the thought of moving again... but... ???

I'm in need of scripture. Been searching the bible. Been searching my heart. Will be praying.

Ok.. Last picture...

This is a little sketch that has been painted with watercolor paint. Thanks for letting me share. If I can find the one picture of mine that I have sketched that is actually small enough to scan... I will post it. It is probably still packed in a box from moving. ((Some where in the "zone"... the spare bedroom))

The Cottage

I don't know where my mom found the inspiration for this... but I think a real life cottage just like this would be her dream home.

Geesh My Mom Was Good!

This is a picture of... I believe... my mother's sister as a child. It could be my mother... but I honestly think it is my aunt. ((I wish my mother would have signed all of these))

The Brass Bell

This is a little brass bell that my mom had. Seeing all of her drawings makes me want to draw again. All of these have wrinkles and the paper has yellowed. Even with the jagged edges... one day... I will have them all professionally framed... and they will hang on my walls next to the big ones that I can scan and show ya!

The Crock Lamp

This lamp... sits in my living room. It reminds me of my childhood. I used to think the design on the front was a lady's face.

**More to come... gotta go for now.

Candle Holder

The candle holder that this sketch portrays... adorned several of our tables throughout the years. It stood the test of twins even... and now is gently packed away in my Christmas decoration box.

Anything and Everything We Are Able To Do... Is a Gift

Does anyone ever go through their archives and think... "Wow! That was GOOD!" (???) I have found myself going back through mine and doing that. For me the same emotion that I felt as I was writing it then... is still there as I read it. I forgot about alot of the things I have written about. For me... alot of what I have written about certain things... has been a way to validate, confirm, and heal areas in my life. It is really good for me to have this outlet to release and organize my heart, mind, and soul.

This morning... my family and I were going through things... (kinda spring cleaning... only it's summer). I came across some of my mama's old sketch books. I have had them in the same place for a long time. I knew they were there. I have looked at them a gozillian times. Today... just like all the times in the past... I looked at them as if it were for the very first time. She had such a gift and talent. I thank God that some of that was passed down to me. I think I got it... because she shared it with me. She would show me things that she was working on. She would explain to me and answer all the silly questions I would come up with.

"Mommy, why do you have to squeeze the eraser like playdough?" "Mommy, why do you have a whole bunch of different pencils?" "Mommy, why do you rub your fingers across your picture sometimes?"

I flipped through some of the little pictures stapled together... and came across a drawing she had done of her own hand. I got a little choked up. I wanted to touch it... but did not want to smudge the lines that she had so carefully smoothed on the paper.

I miss her. I will see her again one day. Then... she can explain to me all the really cool things she has drawn in heaven.

As I was cleaning... I came across a picture that I saved from a magazine that I have wanted to draw for a friend of mine for a couple years now. I also had a dream about heaven that I wanted to try and get out on paper. I think those feelings of needing a pencil in my fingers are stirring.

There are actually many things my mother was gifted in... that has been sprinkled through my blood. We have both done pictures out of pencil, charcoal, watercolor, and oil. My mother could write... although she didn't much. She could decorate beautiful cakes... I am a cake decorator. She loved the Lord with all her heart, mind, and soul... and so do I.

Some of my "child art" is sprinkled through my mother's sketch book... such a treasure. I am going to scan some of the smaller of my mother's sketchings. As I look through them... I realize they are of simple things that adorned our home. Things that she enjoyed looking at. I hope you enjoy them too.

How Big Is Your Hour Glass?

My first day back to work... ended up being only a half day. I did quite a bit of stuff though... and everyone was glad to see me back. I am thankful that today was a trial day. I wasn't scheduled for a full shift... because they had rearranged this weeks schedule and had enough coverage. They were so good about letting me make the decision as to whether or not I thought I could make it... and for how long. Our weeks start on Saturday. I was going to try and do a few hours tomorrow... but I got home from a trip to town and there was a note on my front door from my department manager (and friend) saying that they want me to stay at home and get rested up... because Saturday they have me scheduled for a full time week. I will be fine next week. I am willing it to be that way... and praying my heart out about it. Walmart may be kind of quirky in alot of ways... but they are really good to their employees that care about their jobs and try to make a difference.

I was being kinda whiney yesterday to God. I was like... "Why... Why don't we receive the things we pray about?... What are we doing wrong?... Why does it take so long for our prayers to be answered?... whine whine whine.. sniffle sniffle sniffle... woe is me!"

Well... did I get myself set straight! God always makes sure I "hear" whatever it is I need to hear! Always kinda makes me feel like a little bitty soldier all covered in armor that is too big and clanky... and my helmet hanging off to one side because it is way too huge for my head... standing in the palm of God's hand... while this great big God towers in front of my face... he raises his hand to lift me up so that we are looking at each other eye to eye... and says... "Lookey here Suzii... listen to me will ya? You know I love ya... now... what is it going to take for you to just trust in me?"

Sometimes I hear from God himself. ((If... by the way... you have never heard the voice of God... and you are thinking..."That is crazy... people don't "hear" God's voice".... well... I have news for ya! When you hear God's voice... you know it could be the voice of no other. I hope daily to hear from God personally. I would love to just sit and have a conversation with him! Let him explain to me the mysteries of the universe... Wow!))~~Anyways~~Sometimes I hear from God... through other people.

I love to listen to Jesse Duplantis preach. I go to his website often. I like to watch his webcasts and his weekly programs. He is so good! It frustrates me so much when I cannot view because of some stupid atmospheric stuff. Sometimes the video will skip... or the voice will play and the video will stop... or the video will play and the voice cannot be understood. On days like that... I yell at the devil! I have actually banged my forehead on my keyboard and prayed for my computer!! Then... there will be days... that the video and voice are clearer than my t.v.!! Yesterday was "clearly" my day to "hear". I really suggest you go there sometime if you haven't before. Go to his homepage... click on television... broadcast center... then you can choose from webcasts or programs. The one I listened to last night was a past webcast from April 24, 2005. I have been trying to see this for a couple months now.

If you don't mind... I would like to post the notes that I took as I watched it. I will just list them in order as I took them. It really touched my heart... but mostly... it answered A LOT of questions I have been asking.

*Luke 7:14-23
*Believe the impossible.
*The devil tries to steal away your focus when you feel defeated.
*DON'T BEND to the pressure of TIME.
*Satan uses "time" as a tool to bring doubt.
*You think you aren't receiving because of lack of faith or an abundance of unbelief.
*Don't question things that don't need to be questioned.
*Is God not working quick enough for you?
*Again... Do not bend to the pressure of time.
*When you understand time... it makes no difference how long it takes.
*God will make you safe and secure after the conflict. A calm is coming.
*Eccl. 3:1
*The sky of spiritual life is not always cloudless.
*Time... waiting... makes you critical of God's word.
*It doesn't matter how long you have to wait... you WILL get what you have asked for in prayer.
*Human nature has great faith in doubt and unbelief.
*Do not lost faith... Do not doubt.
*Don't get mad at God.
*Don't be developed in unbelief.
*Concentration is a must. Concentrate on an answer... not a problem.
*Confuse the devil. If someone tells you "You have cancer and are going to die." Instead of saying... "Woe is me. Boo hoo.. etc." say... "Yahooooooo! I am going to heaven in six months! I get to be with Jesus soon!" That will confuse the devil because his trick made you happy... he doesn't want you to be happy... so he will take his cancer and go home."
*Again... concentration is a must.
*Hebrews 10:23
*Do not accept defeat.
*Hold fast to the faith without wavering.
*Again... DO NOT BEND TO THE PRESSURE OF TIME.
*Ephesians 6
*Don't whine to God when the clouds are around you.
*(The verse that says something to the effect of... run and not be weary... walk and not faint....)
*Faint = fall back on nothing.
*Pray = fall back on God.
*Inward principle must take place of outward restraint.
*((Then he talked about diets...ahemm))... once you're on one... everyone wants to take you out for dinner! (obedience.. key word)
*Power of self command must be developed.
*Things will get easier.
*A man's soul is made up of thoughts, desires, actions, and determinations.
*In the soul lies the power to make it or break it.
*Let not time be a stumbling block... but a stepping stone to your overflow.
*John 20:29
*The recipe of patience cooks out the liquid of time and all that is left are the wants of life.
*Hebrews 10:36
*1 Cor 15:58
*Again... Don't bend to the pressure of time. Sometimes we are not quite old enough for what we ask for.
*Do you know OF God... or Do you KNOW God?
*Is time defeating you?
*Do you need some good joy days?
*Tough times don't last... but tough people do.

My notes do not do justice to the message he preached. I haven't really had a chance to study, pray and meditate on what I have learned... but you can bet my heart is ready!

I am ready! And... I will be patiently waiting for all that God has for me. I will pray continuously in my heart and spirit. I will eagerly wait to hear and learn more about God and his awesomeness! I will continue to try and uplift and encourage others! I will continue to do all that I can for God... until the day I finally get the opportunity to stand in front of him personally!

Thank you for coming to my site. Thank you for allowing me to get this stuff outta my heart and mind. :)

We Really Do Have A Good God...(like there was a question about that)

It never ceases to amaze me... how faithful God is to me. When doubt creeps in... God somehow shows me the truth... in sometimes the strangest of places... firming up my faith. I will praise his name all the days of my life.

I Will Keep Praying and Believing...

Well... I have been released back to work. Tomorrow I go back for 8 hours... just as an extra shift... to see how it goes. I was up walking around today more than I have been all week long. My ankle hurt a little bit... but was bearable. My doctor told me that I had inflammatory arthritis. He told me that there will probably be times that it just flares up and gets very painful. WELL... I love my doctor. He has been my doctor for about 18 years now. I know that he knows what he is talking about. He wrote me a prescription and signed my release back to work and told me that if going back full time was a problem... to let him know. Even though I think the world of him... I want the kind of healing that Jesus gave to that woman instantly when she touched the hem of his garment. I want THAT kind of prescription! I have a lot of years to live yet... I am 36 years old... I do NOT want to live with inflammatory arthritis for the next 50 or 60 (or more) years! I don't want to live with it for another day!! I wish I could just touch Jesus' hand... and have everything that is wrong in my body be fixed. Can you imagine how wonderful of a feeling that would be?.. INSTANTLY! I almost start to cry when I think about how wonderful our God is. I get frustrated when I believe things so strongly and nothing happens. Why is it that we can pray for things... ask for things... and believe whole heartedly that God will "fix" things... stand on the word of God in our beliefs......... and have doubt fill our minds when things don't change? I know that we shouldn't allow doubt in our lives. But seriously... when we pray and pray... AND PRAY... and pour our hearts into believing... and nothing happens.........what are we supposed to do with that?? It's like you just want to say... "But God... what am I doing wrong?" I believe that God wants an overflow of health and prosperity for those who believe in him and love him... so that we can be a blessing to others. We are his children. He wants our lives to be good. I believe that He wants us to receive all that he has for us. Are we doing something wrong in the receiving department? Are we praying wrong? I don't have all of the answers to these questions. I do still have an amount of love and trust and belief in God that is more than my whole entire life. He is the breath of my life. I will continue to pray and hope and believe that things can be a glimmer of what heaven is... here on earth.

Jeremiah 33:6 "Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security."

Just Wanted To Say...

You know what? I just wanted to say that men in my life...(brothers, dad, husband, uncles... etc.)... have never been the type to praise God. I have read some blogs lately that are written by Christian men! I am not dumb... I know there are Christians out there who are not female. My life just hasn't been influenced by men speaking out about loving God. It is refreshing to see the men of God taking a stand for their beliefs! Go Get Em Guys!!! ((Go get em girls too!!))

OOOPS!!!

Hey! Where did this guy come from? I don't remember him showing up for Christmas dinner! Maybe he is one of those "long lost relatives"??? :) tee hee hee!!! Thank you for putting up with my all my pictures! It was so much easier to let "get them there" this way! ((Dad & Donna... I hope you enjoy them!))

Sissy the Baby Sitter...

Close as Ever...

*Before I Realized I Could Style My Hair*

We Really Ustacould Tellem Apart!

Bright Eyes!

"Gully Gully Gully..."

HEY!!! BROTHER SAID IT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD!!

MY TURN!!!

My Mom and the Boys... A Sight I Remember Alot!

Oh NO! Not the Nakey Pictures!

His Brother Skinned His Nose...

Sissy and One of the #1 Sons...

((Both Boys Had #1 Son Shirts))

My Kitty and Me...

My Dad... ((Where's That Belly?))

YEAH! Right On!

Sissy and One Brother...

Double Time Feeding Time...

Side by Side

Please Bear With The Pictures...

I have decided to post the rest of the pictures to my blog. Please bear with me! They post here faster than they send in an email. I was trying to email them to my dad and his wife, Donna... but they were taking FOREVER!!! So... Ya'll enjoy em!

Cuz Jesus Said So! So There!

I am almost afraid to say anything... but my ankle... doesn't hurt this morning! I am praising God for that! Tomorrow I go to the doctor... hopefully to be released back to work... and hopefully a blood test will show me having NO indications of having gout at all! I am done with that business! I am sick and tired of Satan attacking my body with a whole bunch of junk. He can just take his diseases and return to the darkness in which he came. I want no part of them!

It's kind of funny really... Satan tries to use the same things to attack God's people. Almost like he is running out of things to try. Well... we are wise on him! We know his dirty tricks... and we know our God is much bigger than he is. By the blood of Jesus... we have been saved... by his stripes we have been healed. I am believing it! I am saying it! I am living it!

I suffered for a long time with sinus problems. I mean... big time suffered. I have been healed of those problems. It really is a wonderful feeling to be able to breathe through my nose... clearly! I keep in prayer now my friend. She recently has been suffering... you guessed it... from sinus problems. I say Satan has no rights there. Same thing with her husband. Last winter suffered severely from gout. Hmmm... for some reason... Satan thought he could keep me down with the same thing. I THINK NOT!

We must be getting really close to what God wants for us in our lives for Satan to think he needs to attack us like this. Lately for me... it has been one attack right after another. Well... I am done with it! I have a bigger God with a bigger s"word".

I think of my mother during times like this. She fought so hard for her very life... right until the end of her life. Satan attacked her and he was relentless. There was no reason for it. My mama had every right to perfect health here on earth.

Matthew 6:10 "your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven."

I don't know about you... but I have heard that there is NO SICKNESS in heaven. And... if it is God's will that there is no sickness in heaven... "your will be done on earth... as it is in heaven"... means that there doesn't need to be sickness here on earth.

Matthew 21:21-22 "Jesus replied, 'I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also can you say to this mountain, "Go, throw yourself into the sea," and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.'

Ok... simple enough. I am believing! I am receiving!

What about you?

Sleeping Angels...

"Don't let go of me... I wanna know you're still close."

Chris <--- & ---> Don...

Watchin' Tooneys...

Awww...

OH MY GOODNESS!

My Mama and Her Boys...

Me Watching "Tooneys" With My Brothers....

My Dad and Well... I Wish I Could Tell Ya Who With!! :)

Don is the Cranky one...

Popeye Yawn

Remember The Little Treasures?

We finally got our scanner working! Remember when I spoke of some little treasures that my daughter Hannah found? Well... these are them! We found some negatives of my twin brothers when they were babies! I was about 10 years old when they were born. They were our gifts from God. I loved them so much... I took them to "show and tell" in the 4th grade!! I am not going to post them all... but here are a few good ones I wanted to share. My mom carried Christopher and Donald full term. She was flat in bed the last trimester of her pregnancy. Total poundage of babies was around 14 pounds. She used to say that she could feel them playing... and fighting... before they were ever born! I hope you enjoy the treasures from our past. Chris is the one leaning on the couch arm... Don is the one leaning on Chris' arm!

God's Diet Plan... 101... First lesson is... "Obedience"

Isaiah 30:21 "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

I have seen this verse in two different places this week. It touched my heart the first time I read it. The second time... I saw it in an out of the ordinary place... and I stood up to take notice. I figure it must be time to be alert and listen to what God might be trying to tell me. Well... last night... he told me.

I had that cup of coffee I spoke of yesterday. I was absolutely miserable the whole rest of the day after that. Last night was even worse. I had a festival of sorts... in my bathroom... all night long. I was physically ill. The coffee itself did not make me sick... (that I know of)... but the disobedience. My body is in a place that needs me to listen to it. Obviously what I am eating and doing right now... is not good for me... and my body is suffering... BIG TIME!

Well... during the middle of the night... I heard that voice behind me. That ever-knowing strong yet gentle voice that I know so well. God spoke to my heart. He basically laid out my eating plan for me. He explained to me... in great detail... and I will obey his wishes. I will be writing it all down in a paper journal. It is time to take complete care of myself. From the inside... out. I will also be telling my doctor on Tuesday about it when I go to see him about my gout problem. When God was done explaining this process to me... (two hours or so)... I had the most comfortable and peaceful sleep. I remember thinking... (in my sleep)... "Wow... I can't believe how comfortable I am! Nothing hurts! Everything feels so soft! My fingers are even comfortable!" I felt weightless... almost like every part of me was laying on the softest of clouds. It was nice.

Romans 14 "Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters. One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him. Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.

One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. he who regards one day as special, does so to the Lord. He who eats meat, eats to the Lord, for he gives thanks to God; and he who abstains, does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. For none of is lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living. You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat. It is written:

'As surely as I live,' says the Lord, 'every knee will bow before me; every tongue will confess to God.'

So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.

Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way. As one who is in the Lord Jesus, I am fully convinced that no food is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for him it is unclean. If your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother for whom Christ died. Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken of as evil. For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by men.

Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a man to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall.

So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves. But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin."

I have faith that what God has told me to eat... and the process in which I should do it... will be richly rewarded both physically and spiritually.

YIPEEEE!! HOORAY!!!

Please take a moment to "look" around! I did it! Yipeeee! I figured out part of that "template" thingy! It has taken me months... but I did it! Perseverance is one of the keys of life. Hope you like the changes.

"Javaholics Anonymous... How May I Help You?"

I am doing something that is going to be very very hard for me. I am weaning myself off of coffee.

:( Sadness fills my heart.

Coffee. Coffee helps make the world go around. I love the smell... I love the look... I love the taste...(Only if it has the right color~and I know you coffee lovers know what I mean!) I could open a package of coffee... and smell it so hard that I lose my breath! I love every aspect of coffee. I LOVE the conversation that mulls around a good cup of coffee. If the whole world was a coffee shop... everyone would be able to relax and enjoy talking to everyone else. As I sit here and write this... I hear my heart saying... "Don't give it up all together... just have a cup... ONCE IN A WHILE". It is honestly going to be extremely hard for me to give it up completely. One of my dreams in life... is to own my own coffee/espresso shop. How can I possibly consider quitting? I feel like an addict. "Hi. My name is Suzii. I am addicted to coffee." Is there such a thing as javaholics anonymous? If there is... don't tell me! I don't wanna know! When I have a cup of coffee... I actually have a half of a pot. (or more) My cup actually holds a half of a pot. I know exactly how much cream and sugar to put in it to make it the perfect color and perfect flavor. It is a known science. Yesterday... I begrudgingly had a small... regular sized cup of coffee. It didn't taste as good. The color wasn't quite right. (I was depressed kinda... and I put a mental block up to enjoying it)... half of the cup actually got knocked over and spilled all over the kitchen table. I haven't had alot this past week. I am really tempted... really really tempted... to having my great big Tigger cup full of the perfect coffee ever. I may suffer for it later. But... I believe that if someone quits something cold turkey... they have trouble with resentment. I don't EVER want to resent coffee... or myself.

What is your favorite coffee/espresso shop? What's your "usual"?

Mine is: 24 ounce triple shot praline twist udder delight from "Ritzes"
((three shots of espresso... (this number is negotiable)...praline, white chocolate, and caramel syrup... blended into a slushy form)) MMMMMMM

Pray for me. That I may be able to endure the "weanie beanie" process. ((Pray tomorrow... today I'm having a cup))

*SIGH*

I have just recently started reading other people's blogs. I guess you could say that I was "shy". Like people will actually "see" me sneaking around taking a peek at their blog! I have spent most of my time just learning what makes mine work. ((and I am still frustratedly learning)). Trying to figure out the complete gibberish in my template is at times laughable. You should see me just sit there... "looking" at it. Almost like if I look at it long enough... it will turn into english. NOT!! Believe me... I have stared at it for hours... and it only gets worse! The "help" section in that area is just as bad. They must think that you actually understand that gibberish... and they tell you in english how to "fix" it. **crazy hysterical laughter inserted here** I just wonder who "they" think I am???

I have decided that I like reading others things. It gives me something to do while I sit and have a mental blockage with my own blog. I have so much time on my hands right now. I can't even begin to think about going back to work until I see my doctor on Tuesday... then... we will see. Even having all this time on my hands... and I can't seem to get anything done. I did figure out how to change the "words" above my link section... and my archive section. ((Don't tell anyone... but that took me several days)).

Getting comments on my blog posts... lemme tell ya... it's like gettin' snail mail! I get so excited! The only snail mail I get anymore is bills. Comments are like getting a handwritten letter or "paper" card in your mailbox! WOOOO HOOOO !!!! "I gotta comment... I'm gonna read it! I gotta comment... I'm gonna read it!"

I love it when I read other people's things and they are "wondering what to write about". BEEN THERE... AM THERE... WILL BE THERE AGAIN. (Can't ya tell? I'm there now!)

I promise I will get inspired. "After all... tomorrow is another day." *SIGH*

Poetic Boredom

Here I sit
All broken hearted
Wanted to write
But only "brain farted"

All day long
I thought and thought
The wheels were churnin'
But they got too hot

So instead of writing
some jibberish babble
I figured I'd try
some poetic dabble

I bet you're thinking
That I have lost my marbles
Ok... hmmmmm...
(What rhymes with marbles?)

TEE HEE HEE!!!

Catch ya tomorrow... maybe!
~Suzii~

We Learn From Our Mistakes

Remember the rainbow and what it symbolizes in the story of Noah?

Genesis 9:12-17 "And God said, 'This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.' So God said to Noah, 'This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth.' "

This picture that I posted... Yaquina Head Lighthouse~at sunset~Newport, Oregon... reminds me of the covenant I have with my husband.

We have been back in Washington state for a year now. 3 and a half years ago... our lives together as a family... almost came to an end. I am going to tell you about something that is extremely hard for me to talk about. It is very hurtful to me... and my family... to remember.

A few years prior to three and a half years ago... stress took its toll on our lives and marriage. We had been struggling to keep my husband, Rich, alive. He suffered for several years from congestive heart failure. During a time when he actually started feeling "a little better"... I struggled to keep my mother alive. She lost her battle to cancer... within 3 and a half months after being diagnosed. Then... Rich became very ill again. He then needed a mechanical heart pump... a heart transplant... and emergency surgery for a strangulated bowel (which was a complication from the removal of the heart pump). During this whole time... we had a car repossessed because we could no longer afford it... we racked up alot of medical bills... our financial situation was spiraling downward completely out of control.

We forgot how to love each other during this time. Rich and I both did things... that were really wrong. We never physically cheated on each other. We did cheat on each other emotionally... and immorally.

The internet can be a very good thing. But... it can be a tool of the devil as well. Rich started talking to other women on the internet. He told those women all the things I longed to hear. I started talking to other men on the internet. Trying to find what I needed my husband to give me. Love, compassion, understanding, acceptance, friendship. Rich and I grew apart in a very big way. We tried talking about our issues... and it always ended up in silence... months and months of complete silence. The only words we spoke to each other were just enough to keep our lives barely afloat. What hurts the most about the whole situation... was the fact that our daughter, Hannah, witnessed and went through the whole thing.

I kept trying to fight for my marriage. Then... I just gave up. I decided to hurt Rich back. This person I was talking to on the internet wanted to meet me. I agreed to pick him up at the airport. The whole time during this situation... my heart and mind "just wanted to get back at Rich". I never had any intentions of cheating physically. ((and I never really ever wanted to hurt Rich... deep down)).

The whole entire way down to the airport... my mind kept telling me..."I should just turn around and go home." But I felt like the atmosphere at home was hopeless. I felt like whatever I said would not be heard. So I kept going. I picked up this awful excuse for a person. I could feel God all around me... his protection. He was probably thinking..."If you are intent on being stupid... then I need to at least keep you from danger." I met this person. Drove around showing him the town. Got a diet coke at McDonald's. Went to a mall. ((staying in very public places)). I kept hearing that everknowing, firm, strong, yet gentle voice of God. He kept asking me... "Is this really what you want?" The entire time my stomach was physically ill. I was sick. My emotions were completely void of existence. My heart was at it's lowest point in my entire life. My soul felt completely empty. Yet I still felt God around me... and all I wanted to do was to get home to my family... that I realized I loved more than I thought I did. I found a glimmer of hope through my stupidity. The person was promptly returned to the airport. It was now time to face what I had done. I went home. My husband... to my surprise... was still there. I thought for sure he would be gone with my daughter.

That night was the hardest night in my entire life. Rich and I talked. Lots of tears... lots of emotions. We decided that we were going to try to make a fresh start.

The place we had such a wonderful time together as a family... before my mother passed away... was Newport, Oregon. As a family... we loved that place. It is, in my mind, the most beautiful place on this entire earth. We collectively decided that I would try to find a job online in Newport. If I could find a job there... we would move there and try to start over. I did alot of praying through this whole time. Rich made a conscious effort to spend less time in chatrooms. And I stopped talking to everyone on the internet.

We were very close, at this time, to losing the mobile home we were buying. We decided to sell it to pay off what we owed on it and to have enough money to rent a uhaul and enough for rent and a new start... IF I could find a job.

Within two weeks... I found a job at a sister facility to where I was working so all I had to do was transfer.... we sold our home... and were in Newport. Truly a work of God... to happen that fast. We lived in Newport for two and a half years. The first year still had a lot of hard feelings and silence in it. Slowly we learned how to have fun together as a family. Slowly we remembered how to love each other. Slowly... but for sure... we came together as a family unit as friends. God is so faithful and so loving and so compassionate... but mostly... he is so forgiving.

James 1:12-18 "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, his is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created."

We moved back to Washington a year ago. To the same town we left. We came back as whole different people. Wiser, more loving, and most of all... we came back home as best friends. I love my husband with all my heart and soul. I regret the circumstances that almost tore us apart. I have asked my family for forgiveness... and I have also forgiven my husband. It feels so good to have the love and companionship that we have found in each other.

There are times when I think about this all with shame and disgust. When those feelings spring up... I ask God for forgiveness... and I thank him for being with me... and for his faith in my family.

When I look at this picture of the lighthouse... I remember the promises that Rich and I made to each other. I remember the love we have for each other. It is kind of like our covenant to each other. Every sunset... even non-coastal sunsets... confirm in my heart and soul that God's love travels deep and pure... and to be touched by just one drop of God's love is to truly be blessed.